June 17, 2006

• How to Impress Everyone

  If you're reading this right now, you're either a guy or a girl who pretends to be a guy on the weekends (butch lesbian). I know my audience and this audience is an unimpressive bunch. You're constantly breathing through your mouths or using a humidifier because you're so fat and stupid. Don't assume that by reading things I write you'll level up. That in some mysterious way you'll be a better person. This assumption is so wrong that it feels so right. Like a lovely woman (or in some cases: man) massaging your nether realm with baby oil or some kind of non-toxic motor oil with the same viscosity. I don't know what any of that means. I feel that I don't know what anything I type down means.

  Just follow these simple-yet-complicated set of rules/regulations/procedures and you'll be on the offramp to Impressionville that eventually leads to the Road of Winners that connects to the town of Unfailureatlife.

  WEAR LOTS OF BODY SPRAY

  Nothing is more important than wearing gallons upon truckloads of body spray. "Axe" and "Tag" are two popular brands that can be smelt from a distance of over 300 yards! That's MAD impressive! If you're a woman, wear that body spray that comes in those clear bottles. Nothing impresses men more than a lady who smells like stale jello! I wish I could just turn my nose inside out to get the full effect! In fact, I called a doctor today and he said that he would give me the special surgery so I can do it! It'll only cost me three easy payments of $35.27 (and that's on the C.O.D.)!

  TELL LONG STORIES THAT HAPPENED WHILE YOU WERE DRUNK

  The longer the stories, the more impressed everyone will be on just how impressive you are during your impressive story. Impress away!

  Dude this one time I totally got smashed at this party, right? So this hot chick comes up to me and she's totally bombed like radically drunk off her ass, kay? So like she talks about how she likes to be shit on her chest and since I'm totally up for anything I take her up to my car. She unzips her blouse and I'm like WHOA BRAH because she totally has a huge amount of nipple hair! But since I haven't got any titty in a long while I dove in. Dude, that shit got in my teeth! It was totally nasty and tasted like grilled cheese but I was as horny as hell. So I whip out my good wood and start humpin' the shit out of her, right? So I'm gettin' ready to blow my wad when all of a sudden my Aunt Clara knocks on the car window! Talk about a boner kill! So I roll down the window and, not knowing what I'm doing because I'm totally blasted drunk, she sees me with my pants down while I'm on full purple alert! It was embarrassing bro like totally buzzkilling! For sure man yeah man totally! But get this, she just smiles a little and grabs my skin dynamite. Before I could ask her what she was doing my Aunt covers my mouth and finshes me off! Dude, it was sweet! I'll never look at my Aunt the same again bro. That's without getting a huge pecker in my pants!

  BECOME A WIGGER

  Have kids when you're twelve. Fail school. Burn out in your shitty car while exiting the McDonald's (girls will be impressed). Blast music from said vehicle to project the feeling of partying 24/7. Pretend to be high when you're not. Listen to Kevin Federline. Step up to everyone's grill and generally act like a raging doofus.

  

  I don't know about you, but I'm pretty damn impressed.

  MAKE A THOUSAND PENIS JOKES

  My good friend John_Q_Normal likes to suck some mean cock! An ANGRY cock that has a mind of its own! It knocks you in the face HARD and burrows into your nosehole wear it lays eggs for months at a time until one day it explodes out of your head in a festive display of semen and skull fragments. One would be proud to host such a cock in their brainstem.

  What did the one penis say to the other? I don't know, but I had sex with a guy because I'm gay! This is a true story that I once recorded for personal use.

  DRINK A LARGE DIET SODA WHILE ORDERING FAST FOOD

  I mean, you're just watching what you take in, right? You don't want to throw off your diet! You're trying to enjoy a double cheeseburger and the last thing you want to worry about is gaining those extra pounds by drinking a fattening regular Pepsi! Damn Jewish media has it all wrong! Diet sodas WORK!

  WRITE HOW-TO GUIDES ON THE INTERNET

  Writing a brief "how-to" guide will let everyone know that you're a condescending douche bag that thinks he knows everything about everyone and everything! Oh yeah? Well how about a "how-to" guide to commiting suicide HARD TIMES TEN?! Take that to the bank and cash it!

  - Awful Xanga of the Week

  xxanime_prefecturexx (thanks me) - This week's article was about being impressed. And dammit, this site impresses me. I'm not even kidding. In fact, it impresses me so much that my eyelids start to close and I eventually fall asleep! Probably because it's so good that my body can't handle it and my brain ceases to function after reading it. I am actually in a coma as I type this and I'm using the same keypad and eyewear that Stephen Hawking used to make sentences, whatever that shit is called.

  The person who runs this site is a 15 year old anime dweeb. When I look back at when I was around 15 years old I can't believe all the stupid stuff I used to do. Most of it is on video for me to look at and laugh. If I could go back in time I would change it all: I would create anime layout sites! That's right! I would amass a following of retards that can visit my site daily to get updates on my "PrOducshUnz" company news! I won't tolerate any "jocking" either! What is "jocking" you ask? Welp, it's when one retard copies another retards bad idea! It's like what happens on this site only on a different medium of stupid!

  It looks like he goes on the computer 24/7 like seriously, all he seems to be doing is leaving people thees stupid comments about them or their site and they would leave him a comment telling him to mind his own bussiness. And I guess he can't even do that. *sigh* And basically he said somethin about people who loves anime is nothing but grease and cheese, sumthin lke that, and what I don't get is, he likes anime himself so iono why he saying all that for.

  Kids say the darndest shit! I am going to go slice my wrist up with Japanese lettering *sigh* /___/.

  • 7:59 PM
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