May 28, 2021

  • I hate everything I've ever written here.

April 11, 2019

  • I have some old Xanga eprops hanging around here you go everyone

    eprop eprop eprop eprop eprop eprop

February 9, 2019

March 11, 2018

  • I think all my subscribers died by now and I am the only one left standing which makes me the greatest and best person of all time.

February 8, 2017

  • I spent the last 10 years fighting gorillas in the Congo with my bare hands so if you were wondering where I was, that was it.

September 7, 2013

March 4, 2012

  • I need a cig.

    If you've ever met me in real life, you'll find out quick that I have a reputation of punching jerks and breaking things. Guitars especially, and mostly over your head. But since you're my friend, I have to tell you something personal: I hate you. That's a pretty bold statement to make since I basically don't know who you are. But believe me, after almost three decades of life in me and maybe five more to go I've drawn a conclusion about you. You're not basically decent, you're basically an asshole. Also you masturbate too much. Or not enough. Either way, you're still an asshole.

    I'd go as far as to say that you're an elephant's asshole. Elephants take giant shits and have big assholes. The diameter of the thing is like a hubcap. That's a huge asshole. Quote me on that. It's pre-packaged for your fucking blog. Like those Hallmark cards with shit already written in them. Laziness is what I call it. Also: what is with little kids having giant buck teeth? I hate that.

February 29, 2012

  • Bite me, quote boy.

    "Fuck off with your fucking shit quotes. People are stupid. They're getting fuck-all from those fucking things. Inspiration my ass. Damn Internet. Don't quote me on that." - Sir Kenneth, PhD

    Awful Xanga of the Week
    @trunthepaige (thanks Mega Church) - Relies on shotty information in charts and graphs from informal studies. She's like a human wikipedia.

    "Damn it I am the authority on beer. :)"

    Just No. No you're not. Not ever. Not in a million years. If you've ever double fisted two Steel Reserve's and chased it with a fifth of vodka followed by a six rounds of beer pong than I'll consider. I know what you are an authority at: not shutting up.

    "Atheists in general are less inherently healthy than those with a faith. They are less likely to survive major medical procedures, than those who have a faith. (They also like to kill themselves) If it looks like a link, it is a link, click it and cry."

    Where the hell are you getting this information? Who tells you these things? Bigger question: who tells you anything? Where do you get your ideas? Why do you come to these conclusions?

    "If you think that the Mayo Clinic is just not trustworthy. I have so many more studies that say the same thing, it is mind boggling."

    "Mind boggling" isn't the word I would describe it as.

    "I married a virgin, he had no practice at all, our honeymoon was physically and mentally spectacular. The fact that so many could not understand how this could be true, is so sad. What they don't know will leave them far less than satisfied."

    Of course it was spectacular. He's never had sex before. Like throwing a starving man a cookie. It was the best cookie he's ever had. Until he keeps eating the same cookies everyday and he realizes he just got some fucking bland wafers sitting on a plate. I fucking hate wafers. But I love Eddie Murphy.

February 8, 2012

February 2, 2012

  • People wear me out.

    I'm not much for small talk. I can't stand it. Everyday there are people flapping their gums as if it will fill the tired void of awkward silence that happens to pop up. I enjoy awkward silence. In fact, I encourage it. How is this done you've never asked? By not talking when people think I should. I like to see people shuffling in their seats, pretending to text on their phones, and sighing relentlessly.

    It snowed out the other day. In spite of the weather man telling the planet that the snow was coming, people still acted surprised when it actually came. To put a cherry on top, they had the arrogance to ask me if I had actually seen it. What are you trying to tell me? I've never been outside? I live in a cement block with no windows? Yes, I'm such a shut-in that experiencing the sheer joy of coming out of my hobbit hole would put me into an epileptic shock as the fresh winter air hits my virgin lungs.

    What's with that guy on Law and Order: Criminal Intent? His head is always sideways. And why am I always eating the same damn thing when I watch it? Bacon. Bacon and murder: coming soon.

    (This post is dedicated to Joe Paterno, who had the audacity to die and flood my Facebook feed.)

    Awful Xanga of the Week
    @michaelmyersrocks (thanks non-horror Xanga search) - 15 years old. Gay.

    "I wasz talkinqq too my babe on the phone and he says everytime he talks to me, he qets hard.! ;) hehe awwwwwwww iloveit when a quy tells me i make him horny!"

    Gross.

    "Face down,ass up, thats the way i liked to be fucked.!!! Lmfao ;D"

    I'm Chris Hansen with Dateline NBC. Why don't you have a seat right over there?
     

January 12, 2012

  • Beastiality.

    Sex with animals: I encourage it. They're everywhere and can't say no. Like YOUR MOM WHO'S A VICIOUS DROOLING BULLDYKE. OOOHH SNAAP GONG DUDE I AM THE MASTER OF JOKES also: hyper galactic star ship cruiser navigated by swearing gorillas with wheels for feet.

    cutekitten2
    Cute? Yes. Asking for it? Yes.

    Awful Xanga of the Week
    @Ambrosius_Augustus_Rex (thanks Liberal Feminist Jew Run Media) - Two phrases come to mind: too long, didn't read. This is the type of guy that never shuts up and lived under a rock his entire life. A regular conspiracy theorist. A guy that makes you think: I hate Terminator 2 now because this guy has a T-800 as his background. Ass.

    "Yesterday I saw something disgusting on TV. ABC news was on and as I was passing through the room they suddenly showed two women making out. It was the most disgusting thing I had ever seen on TV. Of course my dad changed the channel immediately but it was too late, the image was already burned into my mind."

    Damn, I saw two chicks making out. The horror. How can I live with myself after this? Oh wait, like everyone else. Push down your boner and head on down the dusty trail.

    "Penis size: There is a pop culture rumor that Asian men have small(er) penises. I personally believe that this is just a rumor which may stem from the fact that Asian men have less facial hair than other kinds of men. As far as I know no actual studies have been conducted on relative penis size. I don't believe that Asian men have smaller penises on average any more than I believe the rumor that black men have larger penises on average. However, it really should not matter as any woman worth having is not concerned with penis size. Why? Because a proper woman has no personal experience with penis size so it cannot be a factor for her. The only time it's a factor is when the woman is a whore with a broken stretched out vagina.

    So I don't get how you connect a rumor about facial hair to another rumor about penis size. Hell, my penis must be gargantuan by those standards since my beard is eating my face at this point. And I know plenty of whores with tight, unstretched junkspaces that would be more than willing to see how clean shaven your face is.

    "I am not interested in extramarital sex, and that is the problem with the majority of white women. The concept of marriage and family has been destroyed in most white cultures, and white women tend to spread their legs before they get married. A woman who isn't a virgin has no worth to me, at least not as a wife. I am willing to associate with a non-virgin woman as a friend, or as a work associate, or have one wait my table at a restaurant, check out my groceries, etc., but such a woman is not wife material for me. And being a virgin because one is not physically attractive is like never having stolen anything because one was born without hands.

    Well, good luck finding a virgin woman well into your thirties that isn't an annoying bitch. Oh wait: BORN: 1981.

January 4, 2012

  • Goodbye Cruel Year.

    Yeah I didn't bother posting this on time because I was being trampled to death all New Year's Day by drunk chicks and popped-collars.

    New Year's Resolutions:
    1. Don't get punched by a big black guy.
    2. Not to die.
    3. Booze.
    4. Dat ass.

    THE END OF THE WORLD IS COMING ASSHOLES. YOUR LAST YEAR ON EARTH (FOR ALL TIME). NEXT YEAR, YOU'RE DONE! YA HEAR ME? IT'S OVA FOR ALL YOUSE!

    amazinggraphics
    "cool story bro" - internet

    End Time Prophecies will all come true. Believe you me bro man, some guy on the moving pictures told me. A very trustful man that told it with a lot of sweaty, concerned wincing and hand gestures. He also was waving a Bible around and patting its cover talking about some Mexican level 30 magic user named Jesus. I hope it does. I hope the glaciers melt, flooding the Earth, causing the spread of rare, incurable disease and raw sewage. I hope it shorts out the nuclear facilities causing a mass explosion and nuclear fallout encasing the Earth in darkness. Ash coats the sky and the rivers run red with blood.

    Awful Person of the Year
    Me (thanks vodka) - I did a lot of regretful, horrible things that I barely remember. Just a horrible blackhole of cigarette smoke and destruction. But man, is it funny.

    Eat shit, drink more, chain smoke, I hate you all, see you next time.

December 8, 2011

  • Copy this weblog and post it as your original idea

    It amazes me reading some of these things on this corner of the Internet. I didn't know it was possible to look at text on a computer screen and simultaneously get a headache and a toothache. Xanga.com was once infested with horrible copypasta layout sites with horrible coding. Now the big thing seems to be photoblogs made up of unoriginal content lifted from Tumblr, a stupid hipster site that I hate with a passion. The passion is so deep that I literally punch myself in the balls to help me think about something else when I am unfortunate enough to click a hidden link to one. Now I can't have children. That's a plus though because I hate kids anyway. Those little pieces of shit are always drooling, needing food, and wanting their diapers changed. GUESS WHAT KIDDIES, REAL BABIES CHANGE THEIR OWN DIAPERS. WELCOME TO THE REAL WORLD BITCH.

    How it is.
    Notice the strong contrast on this crying child. Must be a Tumblr baby.

    People use weblogs as an excuse to vent. I use it as an excuse to write down my ideas because I won't remember them later and so I can show my friends I already came up with the idea years ago. That's what my site is about: to take all the ideas I think are good before they happen in spite of my friends. The answer to not getting caught up in this little Internet world problem is simple. I'll just encrypt the answer with simple cryptography:

    NLEBNW SINO YRRZYUOR JOIC XZW RWYX YLK RZNXIJJ

    You should note that I used to read your posts outloud and post the audio on my shitty website, but then a more famous site ripped off my idea about six months later and ran with it. I might start doing it again. I got revenge in my own little Internet world by ripping them off on Xanga.com.

    Awful Xanga of the Week
    @idolsandanchors (thanks me) - Surveys? Check. Tiny font? Check. Photos lifted from that FUCKING SHIT SITE TUMBLR (ITT butthurt). Check. And since when did div-boxes become the big thing? There's like a million of them everywhere all over pages. Simplicity people. Do people have any concept of design? If your so artsy, you should have a grasp of it. Make another note, write this the fuck down on your hand for later, I hate art. I don't understand how some cardboard tubes made up to look like a man could be in a famous museum. Now I can draw pretty decent comics, which barely qualifies as art, but yeah.

    "i've learnt to not worry about what others have to say about me and not to get close to people because they just fuck you around. this is my space where i can be me so don't be a dick and ruin it."

    Lucky for you I have more things to say, like how 16 year-olds don't know anything, but I have diarrhea IRL so I'm cutting it off.

December 5, 2011

November 30, 2011

  • Can I have the breast of the night off?

    “I’m tired. Can I have the breast of the night off?”
    “Sure, just cock out and sneak through the black.”
    “Will you cock me black in later?”
    “No. I’m gonna clit this job so I won’t be here.”
    “What? I cunt believe you!”
    “Believe tit. Talk like that again and I’ll hit you in the black of the head.”
    “PARDON ME GUYS BUT WHAT DID YOU JUST SAY?!”
    “Are you making fun of my blackcent?”
    “KOBE.”
    Not even mad, bro.

November 29, 2011

  • Rush N' Attack for NES

    rushnattack

    This is an old school Nintendo Entertainment System game you losers have never played. It was exclusively released to the United States under this name. The rest of the world came to know it as "Green Beret". Of course, saying it enough times, you could pronounce it as "Russian Attack". Some say this is because of America and Russia doing non-NES related things back during its release in 1987.

    rush-n-attack

    Anywho, in the game you start out as an hardened soldier wearing bright blue (or bright red if you're player two) who moronically parachutes into enemy grounds with just ahunting knife. I guess his balls are so huge that he doesn't even need a gun unlike those douchebags in Contra. All he needs to do is go around and stab faces off. Luckily, barely any of the enemies in the game use guns either which doesn't make any sense considering some appear to be toting rifles on their backs.

    rushnguy    rushnattackyaargh

    The occasional weapon does pop up but if you're like me, you don't even need it because you're so awesome at video games. Even with the amount of enemies that come at you non-stop. And when I say non-stop, I mean they come at you even when the game is paused. In fact, if you leave it paused, the enemies just build up without moving in some sort of pixelated pile. 100% FACTUAL INFORMATION.

    The lives are skimpin'. You only get 4 lives without continues. You Contra buffs couldn't handle this game. You'd be, like, crying and throwing the controller because you'd think it's "not fair" or some stupid crap. If you're not good enough to handle all the baddies, you can team up with someone in its co-op mode. Then you and a friend can console each other when you are both losing horribly at it.

    If you really do need a weapon, these POW's dressed in Yellow will give you some guns n' ammo for your rush n' attack. They'll hook you up with everything from Bazooka's to Grenades to the power of what I call "laser skin", a term I dubbed when you get a star-man in Super Mario Brothers rendering you invincible. If you see one of them, gut them with your knife and weaponry will spill out of their bodies.

    There are many obstacles to avoid too. Like landmines, dogs, and bullets that move so slow you'd think a baby could catch one. I knew a guy named Sanchez that ran into a bullet moving that slow. It eventually was fully inside of his body in four hours. That's awesome. After cutting through the enemies, you complete your mission to destroy a nuke with your knife. What I say is true. If you've never played this game, you really should. The predecessor to the Contra genre is for people who like to stab pixelated "Rush'n" guys and blow up shit.

    Play it! Or die in a fire. I don't care.

November 28, 2011

  • Awful Entry of the Week

    I was going to post something about my runny farts but this is too important to pass up. Introducing Ted: Jesus Christ GOD. He is the creator, the infinite. The ALPHA and the OMEGA. You can watch over 1,000,000 hours of footage of him uploaded onto youtube.

    "I am the Ancient of Days."

    Awful Xanga of the Week
    Ted Jesus Christ God (thanks me) - It's not a Xanga, but holy shit, what a teddamn bad piece of shit.

    Ted DOES NOT like NAME GIVEN with ADOPTED due to Ted is MAXIMUM JEWISH THING what EXISTS NOW In and or On and or Around WEvild Earth where then Name Given was Ted Ralph Kurts a GERMAN Last Name! When Ted did TRY to CHANGE IT LEGALLY BEFORE THIS … Ted HAD TO HAVE PERMISSION from EX WIFE in Phoenix, Arizona BELIEVE IT OR NOT therefore Ted REALIZED THAT EX WIFE to EX STRIFE would NOT do it therefore Ted stopped then to even try to LEGALLY CHANGE NAME! Ted IS USING LAST NAME of More BECAUSE Ted is MUCH MUCH MUCH SO MUCH More! Therefore Ted is Ted and DESCENDED FROM Adam-David-Solomon and SO MUCH MORE this is NEARLY TOO UNBELIVABLE TO BELIEVE!

    Best thing I've read posted on a Xanga so far. I'm gonna pat myself on the nuts for that one.

    TED_RIGHTFIRSTwithWEDDINGBANDorRING_1

    "Ted Has Now Years LEARN MANY THINGS to SO MUCH I CANNOT BELIEVE IT."

    WHY ARE YOU NAKED.

    "With this Ted HAD BROKEN RIBS and a SEVERLY PUNCTURED LUNG and HIT HURT from Ted KNOCKED DOWN to GROUND then KICKED MANY TIMES HARD with a TRAINED ATTACKER WEARING LARGE STEEL TOED BOOTS! Ted COULD NOT find Photos Showing WHERE Ted WAS ATTACKED by 4 ATTACKRS ALL WITH KNIVES and this and CUT Ted's Scalp and this where Ted had to have about 50 Stitches and NEARLY DID BLEED TO DEATH! ALL WEARING WHITE LIKE WERE IN RIGHT AND Ted WAS IN WRONG! A Down of Those were ALL HISPANIC! I Ted do NOT think I even have these Photos With Ted Now Currently! SOME WANTED TO COVER UP EARLIER FOR REASONS!

    It was a TRAINED ITALIAN what WENT AFTER Ted in PORTLAND ORGEON, USA and NEARLY ASSASSINATED Ted!

    Then ANOTHER ITALIAN NEARLY ATTACKED Ted TO DEATH in San Diego, California, USA and this! "

    TedAFTERNEARCOMPLETEASSASSINATIONofATLEAST3ATTEMPTS-ProcessedWithGIMP2-6-Photo3

    First the Jews, now the Italians. WHAT KIND OF TOPSY-TURVY WORLD DO WE LIVE IN?!?!

November 22, 2011

  • How to Tell if your Roommate is Jerking Off.

    happy-man-looking-at-computer
    "Haha! Porn!"

    1. He keeps lotion in his bedroom for his "dry skin". Whatever buddy. Jerking off.
    2. He locks himself in his room, you can see the tv shining through the door, but hear no sound. Jerking off.
    3. He has tissues by his bed. Jerking off.
    4. He always has new condoms but never leaves the house. Jerking off.
    5. You come in the room and he's on the computer playing solitare. Yeah right. Jerking off.
    6. He has a blanket in his car. Why? Because he's in public jerking off.
    7. Where the fuck are the paper towels? Jerking off.
    8. Picture of his family by his bed. His mom is pretty hot. Jerking off.
    9. Invites a girl over. They're just friends. Jerking off.

    How can you tell? Unless your roommate is a chick, then by all means go ahead.

    Awful Xanga of the Week
    Frost_Velisser (thanks Top Blogs) - White knights, take heed to arms! The village ahead is rampant with goblins and trolls!

    I know I sound like a snob right now but I'm sick and tired of having people like this ruin sites again and again. Some of my best writing friends have left blog sites because of trolls like this one.

    I once rage-quit Call of Duty because some guy kept calling me a fag.

    I'm growing. At college, at work, and with every new person I meet, I'm becoming a more mature person who can actually hold her own in general conversation. I work hard because I like to work. I am good at the things I do and the new people around me acknowledge that, which makes me want to do even better. I love life.

    I'm good enough, smart enough, and dog-gonnit, people like me!

    Favorite Artists: Nickleback, Evanescence, Shinedown -

    Shinedown, more like put a gun down my throat.

November 17, 2011

  • How to be Lazy: Part II

    1. Never Shower
    Showering takes time and money. All the buying of soap and shampoos isn't worth it. In fact, hygiene altogether costs money. Just use lots of body spray. If you can't afford body spray, just wipe your armpit and ball sweat off in a gas station bathroom. Two-for-one special: you can also steal the toilet paper. When that toilet paper runs out, just wipe your ass with the snot rags in the trashcan.

    2. Smoke Cigarette Butts on the Ground
    Why purchase cigarettes when they're out there for free, for the taking? Go inside of a bar and empty the ashtrays into your pockets. People also leave their drinks unattended so you might as well finish them off. What are they gonna do? Fight you? Yeah right. People are wimps. Tips are lying around too, so take them. The busier the bar, the easier it is to do. Then go home and empty the butts onto a table and roll all the contents into one giant cigar using the want-ads in the newspaper. Don't let "The Man" push you around!

    3. Eat Out of the Trash
    The garbage cans outside of your local Taco Bell are a goldmine of delicious, almost-eaten food. Tacos always taste the same no matter how rotten they are. Plus, eating this will build up your immune system. The sicker you get, the more it is working.

    4. Piss in a Bottle
    Who needs to get up and go all the way to the toilet anyhow? Is it so wrong to just store your piss in a two liter jug to empty out later? If you get a giant bucket you can just make your own little toilet in the room! You don't even need water! You can just use your own urine! It'll fill up eventually. When it does, just push it into the hallway.

    5. Kill Yourself
    If you die, you won't have to eat or talk or anything. It's the way to go, I think.

    Awful Xanga of The Week
    less_calories (thanks White Pride Worldwide) - Anorexia. Remember that? Now I do, because of this:


    "I've got a flu as well. Great!"

    I understand the need to vent on the internet to complete strangers. Actually I don't. Hopefully that new Internet bill passes so I'll be banned from the Internet forever.

    Think you're lazy? Read part one.

October 20, 2011

  • I'm a superhero.

    I've come to share with you today a reality. I am the whole damn idea of reality and I have sharp teeth in which I can "bite" you from time to time. A well-known fact among my associates is that I am secretly a super-hero, defending the planet from invasion of outwardly creatures. You pathetic humans don't see any aliens visiting this planet because they're all scared of me. Also: I'm part of the Illuminati. I'm the founding member of the FBI, CIA, MIB, XFL, and pizza where the cheese just slides right off, leaving you with a burnt piece of flap and glob of mozzarella.

    Some of my superpowers include:

    • Supersonic speed: I can run backwards so fast I travel forward into time.
    • Laser vision: I can see lasers that aren't there.
    • Extreme body odor: you can taste it.
    • Flying: I fly so much that the Three-Six Mafia wrote a song about me.
    • Eating: I've beaten every eating contest ever. Even that skinny asian guy has nothing on me.
    • Multitasking: I can simultaneously play video games, eat two cheeseburgers, and divert a nuclear war.
    • Rock-like skin: I've been in so many space battles that my entire body is calloused. Especially my gooch.
    • Internetting: when arguing on the web I say things like "mindless drivel", "infantile", "latent homosexuality", "tripe", "whilst", and other words and phrases nobody gives a shit about in real life conversations. I also feign interest in an argument and block the shit out of everyone, acting all butthurt. Then I sit back and watch my ego literally form into a small baby.
    • Photogenic: I appear aesthetically or physically attractive or appealing in photographs. Except when my photo is taken.
    • Super Strength: I have the physical strength of 3,000 old men.
    • Telekinesis: the remote has never been so far across the room. I taught myself this.

     Here is a graph that explains everything I just said:

    Questions? I think not.

    Awful Xanga of the Week:

    @YouKnowItQuotes (thanks me) - I've got a quote for you from the late George Carlin: "Blow it out your ass". What mindless drivel. What latent homosexuality and tripe this person spews from their infantile mind whilst making me want to punch the computer screen because of all this artsy-fartsy stuff.

September 28, 2011

  • Welcome.

    So it's come to my attention that you all have severe brain cancer. It's due time I come out of retirement. Just let me clean up a bit first.

April 14, 2008

  • Moment-to-moment description of a droll day (thanks DMV).

    Wow, do I have a story to tell you today. Man, it is such a great and good story. Wow. Just incredible. Justin Credible? He was a wrestler in the Extreme Championship Wrestling League.

    Welp, I was getting gas at the gas station when some lady lit up a cigar right there at the pump. Number one, ladies don't smoke cigars unless they're made of meat. Number two, we could of exploded if her burning ash dust got on the gas. So I was like "hey lady, don't you want to put out that cigar?" while I itched my dandruffy head, and she was like "no". So I talked to the manager who happens to be Hungarian and I couldn't understand what she was saying so I tried my hand at Hungrian or whatever and she was like "and I don't understand what you are trying to say in my native language/tongue" and I was like "so" because I was trying to speak and she what what all over my and but not and and not and what. Now I think you know where I stand in that subject.

    Then I dominated one in the bathroom and the shit crystals got everywhere I thought my face was covered in them I washed and washed and washed but to no avail so I called Steve but he didn't help he just laughed at my current situation so I called the police and put my shirt on inside-out but that didn't work what should I do? Wear a crazy hat?

    As you can see, I am so random and unpredictable. I had a hamster. I listen to Mushroomhead and Slipknot and Tool and watch Foamy the Squirrel. I have a tattoo of an ancient symbol on my arm. It is of the Omega because I am the Omega and you are the Alpha. Meaning, I am Jesus and you're a lonely pissant washing you're clothes in a river that is brown in nature. Possibly a slight hint of green.

    - Awful Xanga of the Week

    belladonna_of_night (thanks me) - This post was dedicated to those who are out on the streets everyday, working hard to express themselves by means that are unnecessary. I guess. As you can see, my new friend Belladonna (who is of the night) does it this way:


    All people from Ohio look like this.

    "i found a penny on the ground so i colored it black w/ sharpie and then
    i named it Penny. i also had a match named Ricky i found on the ground
    (he had a little face i drew on him) but im not sure where he went."

    What a crazy card! I too color all of my pennies black as to confuse the cashier at the 7-11 into thinking that I am from a distant planet where we use smooth rocks as currency.

    "weeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee ive been screwing around on here 4 a whiles and i think i got it all figured out pretty much i guessi am kinda proud of myselfyay go self go self"

    You go girl. You go.

March 31, 2008

  • Get on the bus 'cuz I'm taking you to school.

    Hello you home schooled shut-ins, John Q. Normal here with a news update.

    Fellow blogger theblackspiderman has recently introduced the entire Xanga community to "Xang-Stas", which is a collection of window licking retards riding a small bus to idiotville.

    What these buttoned-down striped-shirt wearing knuckleheads don't know is that the "Xangstas" already existed as an extremely popular, blockbuster rap group right here on Xanga.com! Founding members included cockedandready, steve_knife, and Reverend Omar "Carbomb" Araz.

    myspace.com/xangstarecords - The realest, most illest motherfuckers on the Internet, ever.

    Awful Xanga of the Week

    theblackspiderman (thanks black superman) - Feel free to display this on your page if you participated in the blog...or if you're a Xangsta in spirit. :)

    Certified Douchebag (brought to you by PBS)

    Damn it feels good to be a Douchebag.

    I'm out like like Hillary Clinton should be dammit woman give it up already u r reely pising me off i wish u wuld DIE lol j/k lol thats the sound u'll be making when u bob on my knob lololololololololol

March 19, 2008

  • hi lookin for sex today

    hi fred here looking for 14-16 yo ssbbws within the wabash/huntington area wanting a good time now no funny stuff no cops please im a retired custodial engineer 33/m/wisconson that enjoys long walks on the beach n candleligt dinners n cookies i wuz on to catch a predator ONE TIME so plz dont hold that against me im a really good guy not a perv at all willing to drive up to 4 hours to meet up to you i drive a brown work van that doubles as my bed we can have good times in it lol ;) willing 2 do 3somes

    i work mon thru wed. so call me after then ill be on aim we can chat and have good times i have a webcam for extra fun ;)

    series inquiries only please email me at trucking4jesus322@netzero.com and ill get back to u kindly

January 6, 2008

  • Chooseth thine own adventore! Just kidding. (Part II)

    Greetings anime-con marauders! In your last adventure, your anus was ravaged beyond repair by a man calling himself Tom with unsightly feets, and he left you to die in some kind of pit! The hands of Hades grab your lifeless body as the blood drains out of your pulsating anus. Luckily for you, your adventures have not ended here you ugly goat! Unless you haven't read the last adventure! Nevermind that, because your avatar has a plan up his textual sleeve! And by textual, I mean corduroy, because he enjoys the smooth yet subtle texture of the most underrated of fabrics! Let the adventure continue!

    YOU WAKE UP AND YOUR BUTT HURTS. PROBABLY BECAUSE YOUR FAT FOLDS OVER YOUR RECLINER LIKE SO MANY OCEANS OF VISCOUS LARD. MY GOODNESS, YOU COULD BENEFIT FROM DROPPING A COUPLE. BY THE WAY, YOU WAKE UP IN YOUR APARTMENT. I DON'T KNOW HOW YOU GOT THERE. I'M GUESSING EVERYTHING YOU JUST WENT THROUGH BEFORE WAS A DREAM AND YOUR ASS PROBABLY HURTS FROM A GIANT CRAP. WHO CARES. YOU GET UP AND MAKE A SANDWICH. TUNA ON TOAST, I BELIEVE. YOU PUT OLIVES IN THE TUNA. I THOUGHT THAT WAS GROSS, UNTIL YOU DECIDED TO ALSO PUT SALT IN THERE AS WELL. NOW YOU'RE JUST GETTING OUT OF HAND. IT MUST TASTE LIKE ANCHOVIES. IT DOES. YOU CRY A LITTLE. JUST THEN, ONE LIFE TO LIVE COMES ON. YOU SEE MCBAIN. HE ANSWERS A CELL PHONE ON THE SHOW:

    "MCBAIN. YES, THIS IS MCBAIN."

    MCBAIN'S DEEP AND GRAVELY VOICE MAKES YOU IMAGINE YOURSELF MELTING IN HIS UNFORGIVING, MUSCULAR ARMS. YOU DECIDE THAT YOU SHALL ALSO ANSWER THE PHONE WITH YOUR NAME ONCE ANYONE DECIDES TO CALL YOU.

    SPEAK OF THE DEVIL YOUR PHONE RINGS!

    *RING RING RING*

    chub04

    "(YOUR NAME)."
    "UH YES, IS THIS (YOUR NAME)?"
    "WHY YES. THAT WOULD BE MY CORRECT NAME."
    "WELL, I HAVE A SURPRISE FOR YOU..."

    BAM! YOU'RE THRUST INTO AN INTERDIMENSIONAL GALACTIC HYPERCUBE THAT IS FAR BEYOND THE SCOPE OF HUMAN COMPREHENSION! THE LAWS OF PHYSICS DO NOT APPLY FOR ALL BUT THREE SECONDS! MAN, IT IS SO CRAZY INSIDE OF HERE, IT TOTALLY VOIDS OUT EVERY AWESOME SEXUAL EXPERIENCE YOU'VE EVER HAD! IT'S EVEN MORE AWESOME THAN THAT MOVIE CUBE 2: HYPERCUBE! THAT MOVIE IS AWESOME! YOU SHOULD SEE IT! NO YOU SHOULDN'T! YES YOU SHOULD! DAMMIT! ALL THE COOL STUFF IN THIS HYPERCUBE IS CAUSING ME TO LOSE MY MIND! IT'S LIKE TWELVE AMUSEMENT PARK RI...

    HyperCube

    "HOLY SHIT!! THERE IT IS!! THAT IS SO COOL!"

    AS A SMELL OF SULFER FILLS THE AIR FOR SOME REASON, POSSIBLY BECAUSE YOU SBD'D, YOU SPIN UNCONTROLLABLY IN THE HYPERCUBE. STRUGGLING TO FIND DIRECTION, YOU LOOK DOWN AT YOUR FEET TO SEE IF YOU CAN POSSIBLY GET ANY FOOTING. THE ROOM SPINS AROUND YOU FASTER AND FASTER, SEEMINGLY IN NEVER ENDING CYCLES, HURLING YOUR SHOES OFF OF YOUR FEET AT AN ALARMING SPEED. YOUR OLD "N" SHOES GO STRAIGHT THROUGH THE HYPERCUBE WALLS AND BEGIN TO MULTIPLY RAPIDLY ON THE OTHER SIDE. THE MATHMATICS OF THIS PLACE TEST YOUR ACUMEN UNTIL IT BOILS YOUR BRAIN INTO A MINTY TOOTHPASTE WHICH CAN LATER BE USED TO BRUSH YOUR TEETH WITH IN AN UP AND DOWN FASHION. IT IS ONLY THEN DO YOU REALIZE THAT YOUR SOCKS ARE SO CRUNCHY THAT THEY CUT UP YOUR FEET. YOUR SOCKS ARE ALL PURPLED WITH BLOOD. IT'S REALLY GROSS. THE WALLS OF THE HYPERCUBE BEGIN TO YELLOW LIKE A DISEASE AS THE FOUL STENCH IS SPUN THROUGH THE AIR. SERIOUSLY DUDE, DO YOUR SOCK LAUNDRY ALREADY. I SHOULDN'T BE ABLE TO SMELL YOUR FEET THROUGH YOUR SHOES. I SWEAR THAT SOMETIMES I CAN TASTE IT A LITTLE BIT. IT'S GETTING OUT OF HAND. I MEAN, WHAT'S SO HARD ABOUT DOING YOUR LAUNDRY? BETTER YET, WASH YOUR FEET. I BET YOU JUST ASSUME THAT THEY GET CLEAN IN THE SHOWER IF YOU WIGGLE YOUR TOES IN YOUR SOAPY RUNOFF. NO. YOU GOTTA GET DOWN THERE AND SCRUB THE BOTTOMS AND GET IN BETWEEN THE TOES. YOU NEED PROFESSIONAL HELP WITH THOSE THINGS REALLY. IT HAS SERIOUSLY COME TO A POINT WHERE I DON'T WANT TO BE SEEN WITH YOU ANYMORE. I AM STRAIGHT UP EMBARRASSED BY YOUR FOOT ODOR. I CAN'T EVEN LAY ON MY COUCH BECAUSE YOU INSIST ON STINKING UP THE ONE SIDE WITH YOUR FEET. C'MON MAN, IT'S DISRUPTING LIFE. I ONCE HEARD A STORY THAT YOU FOLDED YOUR CRUSTY SOCKS TOGETHER AND GIANT CHUNKS OF FROSTED SOCK FLAKES CAME OFF AND YOU ATE THEM.

    JUST...YOU KNOW WHAT? I'M DONE. WHO CARES ABOUT SOME HYPERCUBE ANYMORE OR WHATEVER THIS IS. DON'T TALK TO ME EVER AGAIN. SERIOUSLY. IT'S OUT OF CONTROL! WHAT IS YOUR PROBLEM? JUST WASH YOUR FEET! OH MY GOD, I'M LEAVING. THIS IS RIDICULOUS.

    CONTINUE?_

October 22, 2007

  • Doth not choosen thine own adventore!

    YOUWAKE UP IN THE DARK. IT IS AS QUIET AS A TOMB. YOUR EYES AND HEAD HURTSAND YOU FRANTICALLY SEARCH FOR A SOURCE OF LIGHT. ALL OF A SUDDEN, ALOUD, GASTROUS NOISE BREAKS THE DEAD SILENCE AND A MAN APPEARS IN ABLINDING BURST OF LIGHT. THE EXIT APPEARS TO BE BEHIND HIM.

    knight1
    [ SIR KENNETH ESQ. OF THE INTERNET ]

    "Comeforth Knight of the Round! And I do mean round, for your girth hasswallowed whole the view of your shiny soaring eagle belt buckle! Mygay and jolly ways shall rule over on this computer screened adventure!You think to crush me with naught but a sad, sad frown and a sack ofcoal? Tisk, tisk! Your incorrect in assuming I, Sir Kenneth Esq. of the Internet, could be moved by the talliwacking which you hathbrought forth to me at first sight! I am here to tell youse tats aboutthe great land of butterflies and rainbows which I defend upon sunsetand sunrise! This land is also known as the land of Hamiltonia. I havegazed upon many an Internet weblog and have discovered that itsdwellers are nothing but broken men of befallen whores! You must be oneof these unsightly pigs! I can tell by the skinny Internet fingers forwhich you bequeath upon mine eyesockets! For thine insolence alone mustthou be punished! I send you to the deepest, darkest pits of theInfernus! BEGONE!"

    zap

    ZAP!A BLINDING LIGHT APPEARS OUT OF HIS NOSTRILS AND YOU ARE SENT INTO ANINTERDEMENSIONAL SPACE AND TIME RIFT THAT HAS NOTHING TO DO WITH FIREOR HADES! YOU ARE NOW STANDING IN A ROOM THAT SMELLS LIKE LINT. AN OLDMAN WITH GLASSES IS STANDING IN FRONT OF YOU. PANTS TUCKED UP UNDER HISCHEST, HE SWEATS AT THE VERY SIGHT OF YOU. HE BEGINS TO SPEAK IN A VERYQUIET TONE WITH HIS LIPS PURSED LIKE A TIGHT ASSHOLE.

    "Goodmorning. I'm Tom. Tom Sueyer. You must've been the one I ordered fromthe catalog. How come you're not a small, Asian boy? Doesn't matterthough, because I'm going to lick your feet like a pudding pop. Bite atthem as though my life depeded on it. I am going to tie you up now. Iwill bound your feet into a triangle and then lower myself onto themwith this harness. Get naked now before I slit your throat."

    YOUHAVE BEEN TURNED ON SEXUALLY. YOU BEGIN TO UNDRESS. YOU ARE NOWCOMPLETELY NAKED. YOU THINK ABOUT HOW COLD IT IS IN THERE AND YOURNIPPLES GET HARD. WAY HARD. YOUR NIPPLES FALL OFF. HE STARTS RUBBINGYOUR FEET GENTLY AND SNIFFING THEM. THIS EXCITES YOU TO THE POINT OFORGASM. HE TIES YOU DOWN AND STARTS WRAPPING DUCT TAPE AROUND YOURFEET. "MAN, THIS IS TOTALLY AWESOME" YOU THINK TO YOURSELF. MORE LIKE,TOTALLY GROSS, YOU GROSS FAG. ANYWAY, HE STRAPS HIMSELF INTO THEHARNESS ABOVE YOU, LEGS UP IN THE AIR AND STARTS LOWERING HIMSELF ONTOYOUR FEET.

    "I'mgoing to lower myself onto your virgin feet now. I haven't been thisturned on since I sat on the balls of my feet while sucking on a oldcrunchy sock."

    YOUFEEL HIS HOT, BURNING ASSHOLE COMPLETELY ENGULF YOUR BIG TOES. HERAISES THE HARNESS AGAIN AND TEASES HIS OLD MAN BALLS ON YOUR FEET. HISEYES ROLL INTO THE BACK OF HIS HEAD. OH MAN, THIS IS GROSS! WHAT AREYOU DOING HERE ANYWAY?

    "Stopstruggling. It only turns me on more. I love feet. I love the smell andtaste of feet - human or animal. I cut my feet this morning on my largetoenails. I never cut them because I love the sight of blood coveringmy never washed feet. I haven't cut my toenails in over five years."

    tomtoes

    HELETS GO OF THE ROPE AND HIS WEIGHT PULLS DOWN THE HARNESS. HIS RECTUMSWALLOWS YOUR BOUND FEET WHOLE. TOM SOUTHERLAND STARTS JERKING IT ASFAST AS HUMANLY POSSIBLE. HE THEN PULLS OUT A RAZOR AND STARTS CUTTINGHIS OWN FEET. YOU TRY TO ESCAPE BUT YOUR WRITHING ONLY MAKES TOMSOUTHBRIDGE OR WHATEVER YELL LIKE AN ANIMAL. YOU SCREAM FOR THE BRAVEKNIGHT WHICH YOU ENCOUNTERED TOWARDS THE BEGINNING OF YOUR ADVENTURE,BUT IT DAWNS ON YOU THAT HE HAS BEEN DEAD FOR SEVERAL HUNDRED YEARS NOW.

    "I'vekilled my mother 40 years ago. Her bones are underneath my mattress.She has her wedding dress on. Sometimes I take it out and wear it withlipstick. I stick her bones in my ass and sniff her old underwear. Theytaste so good, it makes me want to sit on her feet again. She used tobounce me on her knee when I was little. Up and down. Up and down. Thenone day, she was bouncing me on her knee in the bathtub. The soap onher leg caused me to slip and I ripped open my asshole on her feet. Iliked it so much I did it every night up until I was 23 years old. Shethen got sick and didn't want to give me what I wanted. I slit herthroat that night and stuck her feet up my ass. I later took them outand ate them. Ever since then, I've been obsessed with feet. I work ina shoe store where I can suck on the heels of small children. I tellthem it helps put the shoe on better."

    THISGUY MAKES ME SICK! I JUST BARFED IN MY MOUTH A LITTLE. YOU STRUGGLE NOMORE BECAUSE YOU GIVE UP HOPE. HE PULLS OUT A BOX CUTTER AND SLICESYOUR NECK. AS THE LIFE IN YOU FADES AWAY, TOM SOOSENS BITES YOUR SHITCOVERED TOES AND FISTS HIS OWN ASS. GROSS. ACE HARDING WOULD BEEMBARRASSED BY YOUR LACK OF SKILL!

    shadowgatepolice
    IT'S A SAD THING THAT YOUR ADVENTURES HAVE TO END HERE!!

    CONTINUE?_

September 28, 2007

  • LOOK AT ME! I AM A STUPID JERK!

     LOOK AT ME, I WATER MY GRASS! I am better than you! I hydrate my fucking lawn! I don't paint my grass green because I can't afford the luxury of plumbing! I'm too good to hook up my neighbors sprinkler system up to a trash can full of brown paint so that we match! Oh no no - I'm just a rich asshole!

    LOOK AT ME, I EXERCISE! I am better than you! I exercise on a daily basis! Did I happen to tell you that I just exercised? What? I didn't?! Well, it must have been five minutes then! What? You don't care that I just completed a full blown mile of speed walking in less than an hour? You sir, are insane for not caring! Maybe if you exercised with me your life would be straightened out!


    Gun show: sold the hell out.

    LOOK AT ME, I REFUSE TO DRINK ALCHOLIC BEVERAGES! Cannot you hear my speech on what's wrong with the sauce?! If you consume a beer, you could possibly explode into a thousand pieces! I am almost fairly certain that as soon as the booze hits your lips, you instantly get into a car accident! It, in fact, crashes right onto the top of your head from the clear blue sky! I am making healthy lifestyle choices here people! The only adult drink I've ever had is an Appletini! The last time I drank I barfed up my coke and rum with extra, extra ice!

    LOOK AT ME, I SMOKE WEED! Guess what I did last night? You'll never, ever guess! The same thing I told you that I did last night and the night before! Did you guess yet? Just take a guess! Give up? Well, guess what? I smoked up! You're a boring asshole if you don't toke, c'mon man! I'm not trying to justify my actions by acting like I'm the shit with a condescending douchebag tone or anything, you're just a boring old bitty! I'm on the edge of living in my car, but you are extremely boring! Did you ever here the story about when I drank some cough medicine? I can't believe how awesome that is! All the ramen and cereal bars I've eaten in the past week have tasted like Robotussin!

    LOOK AT ME, I ENJOY THE COMPANY OF ANIMALS! Did I tell you the one story where my cat walked on my keyboard? How about the one where he peeked his little head up onto the kitchen table and batted at my cereal bowl this morning? I didn't? Well, you're in for quite a treat this lunch break! It was so funny! Can't you tell by the way I'm laughing until my eyes water?! Tomorrow, I'll tell you about the one time when my dog slept on his back like human, then about when and where I will give all five of my dogs a bath. I take care of five dogs so Jesus forgives me for the one I accidently killed by leaving him in my hot car last summer!

    - Behold: possible inventions of tomorrow!

    • Sprinklers that spray sugary syrup during the winter months yielding a yard full of sno-cone.
    • Giant plastic soda-can rings that can choke even the largest of whales.
    • African music that doesn't suck!
    • Potato flavored ketchup. Or better yet: potatoes grown with ketchup and/or cheese in the middle. 
    • A shirt made out of jeans and vice versa! Oh wait, we have jean jackets. BUT THEY'RE NOT IN SHORT SLEEVE! Are they? I don't care.

August 2, 2007

  • I Am Quite Boss.

    I am incredibly boss. I am so boss that it actually exceeds normal bossness levels to "EXTREMETLY RADICALLY BOSS". Being the boss on boss, I know what is and is not boss. If you have to ask yourself "am I boss as well?" then the answer is no. You are not boss. People who are boss are born boss, conduct themselves in a boss way, and only through the hands of a fellow boss can they die. Preferably in a boss ass manner. You must be told that you are boss in order to be boss. For example: my boss at work thinks I'm boss. He's always saying stuff like: "hey bossman, can you do this for me?", then I'm like "yep". He either doesn't remember my name or he can feel from one boss to another that I am the supreme boss of all bosses (even more so than Boss Hog or the end boss in Contra).


    This picture is in direct correlation with just how boss I am.

    My girlfriend is boss as well. And by "boss" I mean "bossy" because she's always asking me to get her purse. I swear that she puts it a football field away on purpose just so she can ask me to go get it. Seriously girls, get your own damn purses. Next time she asks me to get her purse, this is how it's going to go down:

    "Can you get my purse?"
    "No."

    Pwnd.

    - Awful Vlog Of The Week

    fatman3141 (thanks me) - If you enjoy sitting inert for eight minutes so you can watch a fat man eat an entire bag of chips in one sitting whilst jiggling his blubber, then this is the video Internet blog for you!

    This post is dedicated the the memory of the word "boss" circa 1994.

July 24, 2007

  • How to Be Funny In Several Easy Steps.

    While I'm not the greatest writer in the world, I am the greatest writer in the current town that I live in. Just ask my jealous friend Chad. With that being said, I have a little leverage when it comes to telling people what's funny and what isn't. If you haven't gathered already by my implications and the title of this Internet blog, I'm about to tell you how to be funny. Now, as you read these words through your thick coke-bottle glasses, you'll turn from a sad, sad clown into an even sadder one - because sad clowns are pretty funny if you ask me.

    STEP ONE: ENGAGE A PROPER AUDIENCE
    Let's say you're sitting in the living room watching Judge Christina Lopez with your grandmother. A commercial break appears for douches and you feel an uneasiness in the room between you and your grandma that is almost equal to the time that your mother found out you accidentally slept with your cousin. To lighten the mood, a knock knock joke spills out of you much like your fat grammy's gut spills out of her purple flowered sweater. You finish the joke as she finishes her fifth olive loaf sandwich and she doesn't laugh. You readily assume that the joke was either really, really bad or your grandmother is too busy drinking a tub of melted butter and she couldn't hear over the sound of her own swallowing.

    Grandma isn't exactly the best audience in the world. I mean, the only way to find out if you're funny or not is to tell a joke in front of a large audience. In a room where your voice can really resonate like your grandmother's gut when she gets hit with a rubber band. Let's say a church. Churches are massive and everyone is
    real quiet in there for some reason - I think it's because they know a
    really good joke or fart is coming on and they want to hear it real good.
    Like Dolby Surround Sound or something.


    Everyone here is falling asleep because there are no jokes in the Bible. You must remedy this situation.

    STEP TWO: GET READY TO BLOW
    Stand up and
    moisten your lips almost to the point of slobbering. If your lips are
    chapped they could split in the mid-sentence and everything would go down the crapper. Put on your best "game-face". Coincidentally this would be your regular face because you look much like a skinny Rosanne with a neckbeard. Like the scars on my "game-penis", your face leaves much to be desired.

    STEP THREE: UNLOAD
    Take a deep breath (a loud one because that's pretty funny when people
    do that) and tell, no SHOUT, your joke. Comedians like Chris Farley and
    Sam Kinison have proven time and time again that yelling makes jokes
    funny. There are exceptions to that and it's not for everybody. Like that guy with the scruffy basketball head and double chin, Carlos Mencia. If that is the case, then use your regular lispy voice.

    There you have it. You can go from zero to hero by following these easy steps. From Pre-comedian to regular comedian. "Pre-com" to "Com" for short.

    - Awful Vlog of the Week

    narutoismybrother (thanks me)

June 24, 2007

  • I Invented Everything (No Really, I Did).

    Many moons ago I wrote one of a bunch of articles that defined
    who I am as a writer. This was about three years ago. Now all my ideas are gone and I've grown lazier which brings me to re-hash old ideas. Much like a Fox Sitcom.

    One particular article was entitled "I
    Invented Everything
    " which gives you a little snippet on the hows and whys of my inventing prowess. Now, for the first time ever, I
    shall reveal to you some of my many "inventions" which I may or may not
    have argued about with my friends in a drunken stupor.

    1. THE DOG FOOD FACTORY IDEA

    People say that I'm crazy for this idea, but these people
    aren't geniuses like I am. I'm putting my brain out there inventing
    these great things and these naysayers are out to get me. You are like
    stagnant puddles and I'm a giant ocean of thunderous waves. You're
    Thomas the Tank Engine while I'm a mother fucking BULLET TRAIN.

    Anyway, here's my idea: through an interconnected series of
    pipes distribute and supply thousands upon thousands of gallons and
    pounds of wet and dry dog food to millions of homes across the Nation directly into specially installed dog food bowls
    via readily built and maintained dog food factories at a low, low price. Like so:

    Dog Food Factory Idea: Figure A
    click to
    enlarge

    The main pipeline running under the city is actually comprised of two separate pipelines. One for dry dog food, and one for the "wet" dog food. The food itself is made from a common formula but, when added to water, it forms a mushy like substance that can be defined as "wet" dog food by current available scientific dog food recipes made using science (and COMPUTERS). The main pipeline is connected directly to the city's main water supply or reservoir. The one half of the valve will open up four times a day to let water into the "wet" half of the pipe so the food stays moist all year round. The.other half remains water tight until, once a year, both half of the valves will open up full blast so that the entire system is flushed out. Kind of like reverse-sewege because it would be possible to eat what's coming out of your pipes. Not that I would recommend eating dog food because only and idiot would come up with a stupid idea like that.

    Not only is this invention feasible by all means, it is cheaper and
    more reliable then, let's say, going to the grocery store. Gas prices
    are sky rocketing right now and the last thing you need is some lazy,
    good for nothing mutt eating away at your pockets instead of the curb. You'd save a whole lot of monies this way because dog food sold directly out of the factory has to be cheaper than the store bought stuff, am I right? And since it's shipped (or pumped) directly into your specially installed dog food bowl cemented in your house, it's crazy convenient.

    Don't even ask about how I'm going to fund this idea. Well, stupid jerks, the answer is as simple as the idea itself: people will just give me money for my services now and then, when I've collected enough money, I can start laying down thousands of feet of pipe! This idea is so hot that I'm betting you're already researching my address so that you can give me access to your bank accounts! Thanks guys!

    The main concern people have i with this invention is that I will pollute the groundwater and dig up tons upon tons of Earth just so I can feed a dog without moving. Well Einstein, I've come up with a solution so that I don't dig up your precious stupid Earth: I'LL JUST GO OVER AND AROUND.

    Dog Food Factory Idea: Figure B
    click to enlarge

    All the pipes will reach far into the sky high enough to not be seen like giant monkey bars. Out of airspace, of course. We don't want another plane crashing into a building. The dog food distribution pipes will be held up by those giant dog food transmission towers. Sounds like a "sound" idea to me. Man, that was a "sound" joke. No really, it was.

    This was just my first idea. As you can see, I've literally thought these through before discussing them with my disappointed friends. Go ahead, try to naysay because I'll totally shoot you down with my mind bullets. So stick that in your bank and cash it.

    2. GROW YOUR OWN TOILET PAPER

    You see, you'd plant these special trees that shed a slimy skin. What are these trees? They weren't invented yet. But the skin is removed and let out to dry after it reaches adulthood. Within an hour or so, the slime forms into a paste which you must dry with another invention of mine: The Dry Air Hose (which I will tell you about in the next bit). After the paste cools it becomes hard and papery like paper mache. Then you simply slice this block of whats-it into sheets which you can later use as toilet tissue. Since this tree sheds a little everyday and is convenient enough to place next to the toilet, you'll never have to buy toilet paper again!

    3. THE DRY AIR HOSE

    I was outside and I saw a neighbor cleaning his car with his garden hose. Then it hit me: his car would dry much faster if he'd own a hose connected to a generator that blasts blistering hot air!

    The Dry Air Hose is the opposite of your standard garden hose. It would work much like a hair dryer, but on a much, much larger scale. The generator itself is diesel powered using approximately nine gallons a minute. The force winds generated by this device are so powerful that they need to be contained in a special gravity field. Once you unravel the hose, the generator snaps on forever and you can never turn it off for some reason. You also cannot re-ravel the hose back into it's original position. It is forever filled with air just waiting to come out and will stick out straight like a boner. If you were to squeeze the trigger and your closer than one foot away from this thing, it would cause serious injury or even DEATH. So don't do that.

    The Dry Air Hose also comes in a fashionable portable case so you can carry it around in the trunk of your car just in case you're on a road trip and the car needs a quick run through. It also doubles as an exercise machine because it would have to be at least a couple hundred pounds. Not to worry though, eventually it'll be so compact that you can carry it in your wallet. Imagine that! A wallet sized air hose that can storm out incalculable wind streams that exceed 230 M.P.H.! Sounds like a plan to me!

    4. SUPER NACHOS

    Everyone loves nachos. Especially weed heads and beer drinkers. My "SUPER NACHOS" would be, in short, almost like those 3D Doritos, but with giant chunks of sharp cheddar cheese in the middle. First the dough or "shell" of my Super Nachos are prepared by kneading the dough into tiny bowls. Then a small chunk of cheese is placed into these tiny bowls. The tiny bowls are then pinched shut and then placed in a dough-proofer (which can be bought online for a low, low price of $2,000-$9,000) for around 20-30 minutes.

    Once that time period is over, they're immediatly placed into a hot oven on a baking sheet and pan for around 12 minutes. Bake to a crisp. They can't be soft because you want that nacho crunch. Once that's over, inject melted cheese into the middle with some sort of device. Cheese normally starts melting at around a minute so I'm sure the cheese in the middle will be crunchy as well. I still haven't perfected it yet but this is what it pretty much looks like:

    SUPER NACHOS
    MMM! SUPER NACHOS! DE-FRIGG'N-LISH!

    5. EGGS THAT COOK THEMSELVES

    Using my vast scientific knowledge, I will devise artifically grown eggs that work much like instant hand warming pouches. You crack the egg, some molecules go crazy, and BOOM, the egg starts to cook itself once it hits oxygen. You don't even need a pan! Oh science, you're the answer to everything. Science folks, SCIENCE.

    Ken: What do you think of the idea of eggs that cook themselves once cracked open? It would work much like one of those instant hand warming devices, only edible.

    Daniel M Vac(c)erelli: I would think that'd be interesting. Although how would make eggs over easy? It'd be eggs over impossible! Oh thermodynamics, how could you do this to me.

    Ken: You'd flip it over real quick in the pan so that the - I have no idea.

    Daniel M Vac(c)erelli: Yeah, that could be trouble. Trouble with a capital T. Like toast! Hey, toast that cooks itself. But what if you did it by accident? The loaves would explode on the shelf. Kill soccer moms.

    Ken: Don't you mean bread that cooks itself? I mean, toast is already cooked. Unless toasting is different from cooking. I'm not sure.

    Daniel M Vac(c)erelli: Say. You're right. Toast that cooks itself would be redundant. Then the only people who would buy it are either retarded or charcoal fetishists.

    I spelled Detroit wrong in the pictures but I don't feel like editing them to be correct. Feel free to do it yourself and show the world just how great you aren't.

    - Awful Xanga Time (This is a Happy Time)

    Hawny_Dude (thanks me) - I seriously don't know what to say anymore. I hate the world.

    I like knowing that I'm making a girl halfway across the nation
    cum. Makes me feel kinda powerful, you know.

    You know what makes me feel powerful? My ability to lift buildings out of the ground and hurl them into other buildings. Other than that, booze makes me feel powerful. I'm like Popeye, only with beer. And by "beer" I mean "soda" and by "soda" I mean "Spring Water" and by "Spring Water" I mean "Distilled Vinegar" and by that I mean I'm kind of interested in feet now. Like when you look at a foot, don't you just want to lick it all up? The dirtier the feet, the better. I'm talking Fred Flinstone style dogs. HIT ME UP ON AIM IF YOU WANT TO TALK ABOUT FEET AND HOW SEXUALLY ATTRACTIVE THEY ARE

June 14, 2007

May 31, 2007

  • I have nothing to say.

    Life throws you a curveball sometimes and it makes you wonder about the following things:

    • What if I accidently swallowed more than used for rinsing? Should I call poison control? Fuck it, I drank three 40's the other day crunk crunk so I should be fine.
    • What the fuck is that song about lip gloss? Are the brains of humans melting into primordial ooze? Are we actually devolving back into single cell organisms? Some say yes. Others say no. Fuck it, I headbang to the opposite type of music so what does it matter.
    • How the hell can you tip a tractor trailer? Aren't those things several tons with millions of wheels? Wouldn't it be awesome if you were the Incredible Hulk then you could like totally throw a tractor trailer at a building? Fuck it, too much exercise. I'd rather be The Blob.
    • Why do people insist on going two miles per hour under the speed limit? Why don't you just drive a bike already? Fuck it, I'll go around.
    • Why didn't P.Diddy get an answer? Why did he "curl up like a child"? I'm going home to spoon with a child. Fuck it, I'm not finishing the rest of this one.

    Hello.

April 18, 2007

  • OLD MAN KENNY

    Many of you don't know this, but I am not, in fact, a young man who enjoys wearing clown makeup on every holiday. I am in fact a surly old man who's age has riddled his face with bed sores. Bed sores form on my face because I sleep on my stomach naked with many, many pillows covering my head in hopes that I will suffocate in the night. I eat a lot before I go to bed so that when I die my bowels release all over the sheets. There is nothing more satisfying than leaving a big mess for people to clean up.

    As an old man I am strong. So strong I can lift entire buildings with one mighty heave and chuck them into school buses (because I hate children and there noise). Whoa brah one time I was dancing and I accidentely ran into a building and they thought it was the Uni-Bomber but I was really doing this hip new dance move called the "shoulder lean" because I wanted to impress this chick but she didn't buy it and I tried to call her but she didn't answer so I left 46 messeges on her machine why won't she call back?????!!!!??? I bet it's because I'm so handsome her brain can't handle it and she shits herself like every day trying to figure me out.

    old
    This is how it is.

    The other day some dude was like "hey dude brah how much can you bench?" and i was confused because it is a well known fact (scientific) that i can bench approx. 1 gazillion pounds like fer sure no foolin'. F-F-F-FOOLIN'. Man, I hope my grandkids read this (assuming I live that long).

    Awful Xanga of the Whenever

    Dangerous_And_Cool2 (thanks myself) - Anyone know where I can find Corn Nuts? Nobody seems to sell them around here. I mean, what's up with that? I've looked maybe five, ten minutes for these things and not a single damn store had them.

    I hate essays! They suck! I have to do a stupid Frankenstein essay that is due tomorrow and I haven't even started even though I am doing it now. It sucks!!! Augh!!! Ever had to do an essay and you hated it so much, you just wanted to scream your heart out to the world...yeah thats how I feel right now. *burns essay in a fire* thats better.

    Welp, that's it. Yep, that is the first site I came upon in five minutes. *burns hopes and dreams in a fire*

March 12, 2007

  • Gross.

    So I logged onto the computer at the library here in the backwoods town of Middletown, Pennsylvania and this is what I see:

    gross
    click to enlarge

    Nothin' like hittin' on little girls through the library computer! Log out before you leave assholes.

    - Awful Myspace of the Week

    Kristin (thanks Erica) - lol internet

    remember when i had ideas yeah those were the days

March 8, 2007

  • How To Be Lazy

    Food Is Fine Just How It Is

    • If you're eating soup and wasted all that energy opening the can, you might as well just drink it straight out of the can. If you're eating leftovers, never re-heat. Who cares if yesterday's meatloaf is icy cold? Who wants to wait around for an extra two whole minutes? I don't have that kind of time to waste.
    • Let's say you're Jonesin' for some cereal and there are no clean bowls. Instead of washing a bowl, always go for a cup. A cup is just like a bowl in everyway only that it got squished in a tube or something. In fact, buy plastic cups and utensils so you don't even have to do the dishes. If you're like me, you never do the dishes because you never cook anything with you're diet of sandwiches and cereal.
    • Never use any condiment that is non-squeezable. If you insist on getting mayonnaise out of the jar, use plastic knives. Don't eat peanut butter though because plastic knives sometimes break in it. You might as well just scoop the bread on the inside of the jar like I do.

    Never Wash Your Clothes

    • Never wash your shirts if you didn't sweat in them. Especially if you've only worn them once. I mean, what's the point? A little bit of microscopic dead skin cells? Stop being such a wuss. Just spray Axe cologne on! I mean, it covers up the smell right? You need not wash! Just like when people spray Febreeze on top of shit and not clean it. You need not vacuum the filth right? As long as it smells good: that's the new policy.
    • Only do laundry when you run out of underwear.
    • Never wash your pants unless you've got bad gas and the ass part smells. Yes in fact I do smell the ass of my pants.
    • Only wash your socks when they're good and crunchy. You know, like when the dirt flakes off in huge pieces of dandruff/brown Corn Flakes. Or just never take them off so they never get that way.

    Never Put Away Groceries

    • Never put away groceries, especially if you're single. I recommend, if it's cold enough, to let the shit sit in your car until you absolutely need it so you can just bring in what you want after you get home from work (assuming you are energetic enough to hold a job).
    • If more than one person is there (which is usually the case), just take the groceries out of the bag and place them on the table. This inadvertently "assigns" people jobs. You know, you take out the groceries while they put them away. It works almost every time and saves you from the hassle of actually moving your legs more than you need to.
    • When all the groceries are out, take something that needs to be placed in the bathroom. Go into the bathroom and NEVER RETURN until about a half hour later. I mean, you needed to go to the bathroom at that exact moment in time, right? And it took just as long as it would take to put away $900.00 worth of groceries, am I wrong?

    Never Answer The Door When People Knock On It

    • It's ok if I've been standing outside in the frozen tundra for 45 minutes because you decided to stay up late playing Paper Mario, right? It's awesome/acceptable that my nuts are ice cubs and my dick is an icicle because you're too tired to let me into the welcoming warmth, correct? AWESOME BRAH MAN LET'S HAVE A SLUMBER PARTY.

    On an unrelated subject I just dominated a galactic one this morning because of all the Fiber One I've been eating lately. My hole burns a little and I don't think it'll heal properly without proper lotions. It was like total, WORLD DOMINATION in there and the air is slightly brown when you go near the toilet. I gotta go dominate another one. Holla back dawgs.

February 12, 2007

  • Schizophreniac - The Whore Mangler

    Possibly the greatest horror film of all time (in the history of man), Schizoprheniac: The Whore Mangler is a delightful romp about a young fellow named Harry Russo. This is the name you should learn to FEAR because he is so CrAzY and, according to the box for which the VHS comes in, his brain throbs with HOMICIDAL RAGE.

    Notable quotes from the movie:

    • Die! Die...TONIGHT!
    • I gotta get strong so I can KILL THE WORLD!
    • I'm gonna carve ya LIKE A PIZZA!
    • Cut your belly open - so I can see all the BLACK STUFF YOU GOT INSIDE!

    I strongly recommend purchasing the special edition DVD for the low, low price of $14.99 on cutthroatvideo.com, home of the greatest horror films of, like, ever.

    Watch the trailer:

    - or -

    Awful Xanga of the Week

    xEmoxAna_isda_way (thanks me) - Now I know that the whole anorexic thing has been done to death but what can I say? I just think it's funny when the only thing a person has all day to eat is sip of water and a dab of dirt on the tip of their tongue.

    B- nothing (woke up at 2:30) haha
    L- 1/2 bologna sandwhich. water (4:00)
    D- key lime yogurt && water. (8:30)

    That's cool. All I had today was like my nails because I was biting them. Sometimes I save them in a little baggy so I can snack on later.

    Today i went to my friends house she was throwing a party! it was pretty lame though. so me and kenny left. She called me and got all pissed off to see why i left. so im like it was sooo boring. so now she is mad but she can get over it! haha.

    Most Kenny's are either like me or Asian. This one is one of the freak flukes that deserves to be shot in the face part of his head. Not the skull area because I would like to wear his hair on top of my hair so I have hair on top of my hair. Wouldn't you be jealous?.

    i am so fasting this week until i about pass-out. i am sick of being fat. god. i need help this is getting so hard. but its worth it.

    You know, Ms. xEmoxAna_isda_way is right, she is a fat tub of lard! What are you a stick? Well, you're the fattest stick I've ever seen! Why, I bet you weigh almost as much as a gust of wind you disgusting bag of muddy goo! Gross!

January 27, 2007

  • SHINY NEW POST!!

    Hey kids! What's happening? No really, I want to hear your life stories right now. Like yesterday I asked some guy "what's happening" and he totally told me his entire life story right there. Seriously folks, small talk is called small talk for a reason. Cut to the chase already, Jesus. Yeah, I said JESUS because Jesus is holy and when he sees shit he dubs it to be so. I know this is true because I went back into time and asked him and then went back to the future. The trip costed and estimated 4.3 billion dollars.

    I don't even have to be here for shit to be stirred. I'm pretty good at doing that because I was the five time world heavyweight stirring champion. I could stir molasses in January, that's how good I was. No chocolate milk was hard enough for me. Even that Nesquick stuff that clumps together on the bottom. For serious. For real. I'm really serious. I'm seriously for real.

    A battle of non-epic proportions went on in my comment section of the last entry. My comments are in emphasized in slanty font:

      My nominations for "Awful Xanga of the Week" are: just_to_browse and adorkable_asian
      - BadnarikChick

      My nomination for dumb fat ass bitch of the year would be BadnarikChick =) Since she is oh so obsessed with me, the person that simply told her to stfu when she pettily tried to start drama on xanga.
      - adorkable_asian

    I once tried to start a Monopoly team on Xanga but it never came to be. Wouldn't you agree that the shoe is the best Monopoly piece? Y/N

      ^^^ grow THE fuck up badnarik. do you not even realize how stupid YOU look blathering on and on about me every chance you get? pre-school much? but yay for having my very own stalking fucktard.
      just_to_browse

    I've never seen the word "fucktard" used outside of the Internet. Is this true Y/N plz answer asap.

      ^^^How the hell can I stalk you when I'm blocked from your site? I'm sorry to have brought this whole idiotic thing to your site. I've got two real losers for you to put up in your post for next week. I'll be right back with the links. And the bitch zero'd you, too.
      - BadnarikChick

    Oh darn, zero eprops. That equivalent to being cancelled on TV. So what are you trying to say? If I was a tv show I'd be cancelled? You know what, YOUR FACE is about to be cancelled FOREVER.

      you should be sorry meghan. YOU are the one who keeps running your mouth about me to whoever will listen. you're a boil on the ass of humanity that is in dire need of lancing.
      - just_to_browse

    So that's the end of that chapter. Well folks, it's time to go and do the things I will be doing. I'll be doing them one thing at a time in a timely manner some time in the next time-frame of near time with Father Time while listening to the band Time.

    - Awful Xanga of the Week

    httsystemofadownrox01 (thanks me) - Like Myspace, Xanga, and unnecessary scrolling boxes? Then this is the site for you!

    ONLY love rock music. Not that stupid hiphop or rap stuff. Remember, COUNTRY+RAP= CRAP. hahahah! The bands I HATE! : MCR!!! ARRHH!! I CAN'T STAND THEM! Fallout Boy, Green Day, Red Hot Chili Peppers, Taking Back Sunday, Blue October, and so many more. Sorry if i offend anyone. I dont mean to, i just cant stand these bands.

    Your taste in music is like my taste in porno: shit.

    On Thursday(12-21-06) was alicia's late b-day party. That was also sooo much fun. What sucked though was that i was the last one to arrive. oh well, haha. Cindy, Daisy, Gina, Anthony, and Carlos were all there. It was so awesome! hahah, i was last because i went to the store to buy alicica her gift. The b-day bag thing i got her was sooo awesome! It was shaped like the backpack from Dora the Explorer. haha, it was kewl! yeah, i got her a Blink-182 cd and another Dora thing. I got a pic of all of us together. Yeah, so i was also the last one and the only one to hit the pinata since everyone already did it before i came. They told me to hit it like if it was my sister. Lmao!!! After that, we all went inside and talked and stuff. We ate pizza and Diana was being a retard like always. haha, she sucked helium from the balloons and made funny noises!!!! she sang the spongebob theme song with her funny voice. It made us all laugh. Then it was time to serve the cake and Diana shoved alicia's head the in the guitar cake. lol!!! she got really dirty. Then somebody else shoved alicia's sister in the cake. That was so hilarious! We all had a good time talking and laughing and what not. Then Anthony and Diana had to leave early which really sucked cuz they couldnt go to the mall with us. When they left, we went to the mall and of course, went to Hot Topic first. I brought 2 buttons, one was Atreyu and the other one was a picture of a little kitty. lol. and i got a Story of the Year patch thingy. So yeah, we were walkign around and then me, gina, daisy, and cindy went to the spot where they have those little rides where u stick quarters in them. hhahaha, me and gina got in this little ice cream truck and stuck the quarters in. Daisy took a pic of us and made a video of us in it. hahahah. Then we all started playing tag!!! Omg, that was so fun!! hahaha, we got tired quickly though. Then me and gina saw this really hot guy there and it was so embarassing cuz we were still in the truck. then we got out and kinda followed him to where alicia was at. Then we talked to alicia for awhile to decide what movie we were gonna watch. Then that guy left again to that other direction. Then me and gina told alicia that we would be right back and she said ok. Hahahah, so then me and gina tried to look for him but we lost him. we went into this circle thing with chairs and there was rednecks there. We were looking at to where they were at so we can see if that guy was there. But i guesss those stupid rednecks thought we were checking them out. Then Cindy and Daisy just HAD to wave at them. And after that, they started chasing us!!!! That was soooo scary!!!!! we went down the escalators and they were waiting for us down there, so then we ran up and they were coming up to. They even ran after us. Then we ran even faster and went into Macy's. So we lost them for a little while. heheh, then Daisy put on a disguise. She put on a Huge hat and a scarf and was making funny accents. Then me, gina, and Cindy did the same. lol. man, we should of taken pics but we didnt. ok, so then we called alicia to tell her where we were at and we met up with her. Then we told her everything about those guys and she started laughing. Then we bumped into those guys so they came running towards us and started cussing us out. That was so mean!!! Like we want to check out those ugly boys. EEww!!! and they were like 5th graders. So thats pretty much it. comment me!!!

    Did you read that? Neither did I!

December 4, 2006

  • hey guys whuts going on OH WAIT NOTHING

    Hello idiots. What the hell happened to this place idiots. Stop being a bunch of retarded idiots, idiot. I am typing to you from the confines of a cubicle at a local library. I haven't updated my site with stories about grandmother's getting raped because I don't have the internet at my house. So sit back and relax as I yell at my computer screen.


    I hit the following animals with my car this year:



    • 2 Ducks (at the same time)
    • A Deer
    • 5 Birds
    • Like 8 squirrels. I don't know. Who cares.

    I'll probably get the interweb back soon, so don't shit your damn pants just yet. Whoops I said shit on the library's computer so now they'll probably ban me forever. That's a shame. Once that happens, I can take the time to understand all this new crap on here that looks like a waste of time anyway.


    - Awful Xanga of the Week


    Xanga.com (thanks me) - I guess my stupid Awful Xanga of the Week is ruined now that this internet website bolog has implemented a bunch of unnecessary security programs. So screw that crap. I could take screen shots of the sites but that would involve extra work that I don't feel like putting in.

October 2, 2006

  • Pain is Pleasure!

    Yesterday I punched my friend Hamilton in the nuts like five times and each and every time he groaned. Upon hearing these groans I just assumed that he was having an orgasm each and every time I was hitting him in the nuts. The last balltap I gave him made him keel over onto the ground and tear up a little. I was kind of grossed out at first about how much it pleased him. I got so pissed I kicked him again the next day with my steel toe shoe. He cried a little (probably in pleasure).

    He then went into the bathroom and checked his sack. The left one was a little blue.

    So ladies, the greatest way to please a man is to knee him right in the testicles! He'll probably o-gazz right there almost immediatly! Those aren't screams of pain, but ones of pure pleasure! OH MAN I AM GOING TO GO CUT MY PENIS WITH A POTATO PEELER NOW AND WATCH THE FLESH CURL BACK LIKE PENCIL SHAVINGS AND AS THE BLOOD RISES SO WILL MY SEMEN AND O-FACE.

    Please don't look at this entry.

    - Awful Xanga of the ???

    oOPiNzAnDNeEdLezOo (thanks me) - So I see other sites are gankin' my shit by showing awful xangas. Of course I ganked this shit but to have someone gank the shit that I ganked is uncalled for DOUBLE UNDERLINE HIGHLIGHTED i do say so myself good sirs please leave some money for me now.

September 2, 2006

  • #10

    The Philidelphia Eagles are a bunch of stupid jerks. Why would you get rid of your BEST PLAYER KOY DETMER #10 THIRD STRING QUARTERBACK AKA BEST PLACE HOLDER/PLAYER/QUARTERBACK IN THE NFL WHAT THE FUCK DUDES GET YOUR SHIT TOGETHER RIGHT NOW I AM SO PISSED I'M PROBABLY GOING TO CALL UP THE EAGLES AND SAY HEY GUYS STOP BEING DUMB YOU DUMB HOLES

    Visit my friend's official Koy Detmer Fanpage and you too will be part of the "Koy Detmer Krew".

    - http://koy.thereverendag.com

August 27, 2006

  • FATALITY

    Dear people,

    What is your opinion of the following picture:

    KTHX U GUYZZ

    Your friend,
    Kenneth Esq.

    P.S.
    These are not my friends.

June 27, 2006

  • ATTN: NEW YORK POST

    SHUT THE FUCK UP

    YOU

    ARE

    NOT

    FUCKING

    FUNNY

    Your friend,
    Kenneth Esq. of the Internet

    - Awful Xanga of the Week

    xbabi_vx (thanks the_great_walrus) - This, my friends, is the future of America:

    yu r the furst wun that make ma heart in lub when i'm in 6th grade........7th, and 8th, since i noe lyft iz bein hard now ..... and everywhere i go... [jux say it the skool stuff]..... it iz gettin harder and harder........... i noe i been tryin but not that much hard as i think i did......the most thing in lyft that i really hate iz y i meet yu???...... when ma eyes furst saw yu ....... i knew that yu were the wun that i would lub........... i know that yu donz eva reconize that i have givin ma wun n onliee heart for yu.......... some pepo that i have meet..... well see them at that time or mab 2 or 3 month lata but some how ........ i meet yu ova n ova n ova again ........... seem like i cann't for get yu.......... der a lady near ma house said that

    I don't know what any of that means but I'm sure it was important and dramatic judging from all the unnecessary ellipses. Also: using my spell check on this paragraph made my hard drive melt, explode, and then melt again.

June 17, 2006

  • How to Impress Everyone

    If you're reading this right now, you're either a guy or a girl who pretends to be a guy on the weekends (butch lesbian). I know my audience and this audience is an unimpressive bunch. You're constantly breathing through your mouths or using a humidifier because you're so fat and stupid. Don't assume that by reading things I write you'll level up. That in some mysterious way you'll be a better person. This assumption is so wrong that it feels so right. Like a lovely woman (or in some cases: man) massaging your nether realm with baby oil or some kind of non-toxic motor oil with the same viscosity. I don't know what any of that means. I feel that I don't know what anything I type down means.

    Just follow these simple-yet-complicated set of rules/regulations/procedures and you'll be on the offramp to Impressionville that eventually leads to the Road of Winners that connects to the town of Unfailureatlife.

    WEAR LOTS OF BODY SPRAY

    Nothing is more important than wearing gallons upon truckloads of body spray. "Axe" and "Tag" are two popular brands that can be smelt from a distance of over 300 yards! That's MAD impressive! If you're a woman, wear that body spray that comes in those clear bottles. Nothing impresses men more than a lady who smells like stale jello! I wish I could just turn my nose inside out to get the full effect! In fact, I called a doctor today and he said that he would give me the special surgery so I can do it! It'll only cost me three easy payments of $35.27 (and that's on the C.O.D.)!

    TELL LONG STORIES THAT HAPPENED WHILE YOU WERE DRUNK

    The longer the stories, the more impressed everyone will be on just how impressive you are during your impressive story. Impress away!

    Dude this one time I totally got smashed at this party, right? So this hot chick comes up to me and she's totally bombed like radically drunk off her ass, kay? So like she talks about how she likes to be shit on her chest and since I'm totally up for anything I take her up to my car. She unzips her blouse and I'm like WHOA BRAH because she totally has a huge amount of nipple hair! But since I haven't got any titty in a long while I dove in. Dude, that shit got in my teeth! It was totally nasty and tasted like grilled cheese but I was as horny as hell. So I whip out my good wood and start humpin' the shit out of her, right? So I'm gettin' ready to blow my wad when all of a sudden my Aunt Clara knocks on the car window! Talk about a boner kill! So I roll down the window and, not knowing what I'm doing because I'm totally blasted drunk, she sees me with my pants down while I'm on full purple alert! It was embarrassing bro like totally buzzkilling! For sure man yeah man totally! But get this, she just smiles a little and grabs my skin dynamite. Before I could ask her what she was doing my Aunt covers my mouth and finshes me off! Dude, it was sweet! I'll never look at my Aunt the same again bro. That's without getting a huge pecker in my pants!

    BECOME A WIGGER

    Have kids when you're twelve. Fail school. Burn out in your shitty car while exiting the McDonald's (girls will be impressed). Blast music from said vehicle to project the feeling of partying 24/7. Pretend to be high when you're not. Listen to Kevin Federline. Step up to everyone's grill and generally act like a raging doofus.

    I don't know about you, but I'm pretty damn impressed.

    MAKE A THOUSAND PENIS JOKES

    My good friend John_Q_Normal likes to suck some mean cock! An ANGRY cock that has a mind of its own! It knocks you in the face HARD and burrows into your nosehole wear it lays eggs for months at a time until one day it explodes out of your head in a festive display of semen and skull fragments. One would be proud to host such a cock in their brainstem.

    What did the one penis say to the other? I don't know, but I had sex with a guy because I'm gay! This is a true story that I once recorded for personal use.

    DRINK A LARGE DIET SODA WHILE ORDERING FAST FOOD

    I mean, you're just watching what you take in, right? You don't want to throw off your diet! You're trying to enjoy a double cheeseburger and the last thing you want to worry about is gaining those extra pounds by drinking a fattening regular Pepsi! Damn Jewish media has it all wrong! Diet sodas WORK!

    WRITE HOW-TO GUIDES ON THE INTERNET

    Writing a brief "how-to" guide will let everyone know that you're a condescending douche bag that thinks he knows everything about everyone and everything! Oh yeah? Well how about a "how-to" guide to commiting suicide HARD TIMES TEN?! Take that to the bank and cash it!

    - Awful Xanga of the Week

    xxanime_prefecturexx (thanks me) - This week's article was about being impressed. And dammit, this site impresses me. I'm not even kidding. In fact, it impresses me so much that my eyelids start to close and I eventually fall asleep! Probably because it's so good that my body can't handle it and my brain ceases to function after reading it. I am actually in a coma as I type this and I'm using the same keypad and eyewear that Stephen Hawking used to make sentences, whatever that shit is called.

    The person who runs this site is a 15 year old anime dweeb. When I look back at when I was around 15 years old I can't believe all the stupid stuff I used to do. Most of it is on video for me to look at and laugh. If I could go back in time I would change it all: I would create anime layout sites! That's right! I would amass a following of retards that can visit my site daily to get updates on my "PrOducshUnz" company news! I won't tolerate any "jocking" either! What is "jocking" you ask? Welp, it's when one retard copies another retards bad idea! It's like what happens on this site only on a different medium of stupid!

    It looks like he goes on the computer 24/7 like seriously, all he seems to be doing is leaving people thees stupid comments about them or their site and they would leave him a comment telling him to mind his own bussiness. And I guess he can't even do that. *sigh* And basically he said somethin about people who loves anime is nothing but grease and cheese, sumthin lke that, and what I don't get is, he likes anime himself so iono why he saying all that for.

    Kids say the darndest shit! I am going to go slice my wrist up with Japanese lettering *sigh* /___/.

June 11, 2006

  • Weird is Subjective

    Things to do before I die:

    • Go to the library and hide behind the stair case so I can cut people's ankles with scissors.
    • Burst a colostomy bag over my face.
    • Pop an eyeball with my thumb.
    • Crush glass into a fine dust and put it into baby formula.
    • Blow my nose in the mouths of sleeping children.
    • Rub thin layers of feces all over sink handles.
    • Save my shaving scum for personal use.
    • Mutilate my penis with a lighter.
    • Record nine episodes of the Weather Channel.
    • Ride dirty.
    • Study traffic patterns while recording the Weather Channel.
    • Start a bread collection in my attic.
    • Burn my testicles with a hot iron.
    • Sand the tip of my penis down.
    • Make more penis jokes.
    • Entice bums to fight each other for money
    • Have sex while listening to Chris Gaines.
    • Sell samurai swords to underage children.
    • Shoot heroine directly into my ears.
    • Collect anime figurine dolls, lube them up, and then yiff myself to sleep (that's some hardcore yiffing).
    • Orgasm HARD while listening to Rush Limbaugh.
    • Punch a dog in the face.
    • Strap a landmine to a little girl's face and then throw her into a gas truck.
    • Tar and feather a child and then cut off their arms. Break their legs with a sledgehammer. They will look like an ostrich (mirror image of one almost).
    • Help and old lady cross the street.
    • Ask out an old lady.
    • Make love to an old lady.
    • Dump an old lady's corpse in the river.

    Wouldn't you just like to walk down a street and stab people with a syringe you found on the ground? That would be so much fun. Oh man, the fun you could have doing that. They'd probably get AIDS! AIDS is funny because it can kill you. See, that's the joke! A knee slapper if I say so myself!

    I am the most violent person on the face of the soon-to-be-smoldering Earth! Sometimes I wish the blood of a million children would be dumped right on top of an orphanage while I drink tea. Preferably lemon tea. Not that green tea shit. That tea is pure shit. It's like a fat man is taking a shit directly down my throat hole when I'm choking that shit down.

    The orphanage would have screaming children inside. I would just jam broken glass into their throats and then they'd shutup! I hate kids. Every time I see a baby having fun and being excited I'm like "stop being a baby" and I sucker punch it right in the bloated stomach.

    Oh I'm just so crazy and kooky! Let me go masturbate to my collection of knives with animals and/or American flags carved on them. I once saw a Rusty Wallace pocket knife. My face then exploded because I couldn't handle it.

    - Awful Xanga of the Week

    Gucci_Man (thanks everyone in the world) - This site sucks almost as much as any skinny tanned girl who wears those ugly ass fade-to-clear designer aviator sunglasses that are way too big for their goddamn stupid skinny heads. Seriously, I hate those glasses. Some of them come with tiny screws on the side. I hate those screws. More like, screw you! Get my scew jokes? It was like a play on words! How about a designer PUNCH IN THE FACE?

    Rudeness is the WEAK mans interpretation of strength.

    OH YEAH? WELL, YOUR MOTHER IS A HO AND SHE'S GOT TO GO! HUH? WHO'S LAUGHING NOW? A CLOWN? BECAUSE I DON'T SEE ONE!

    *HERE IS WHERE GUCCI_MAN WOULD POST A BUNCH OF UNNECESSARY PICTURES*

    Blah blah blah blah blah.

    I've heard crazy stories about this guy in the past so if you remember any of them feel free to share.

May 27, 2006

  • Jack Bauer is Bisexual

    Who is Jack Bauer? He is the main character on a TV show called "24" portrayed by actor Kiefer Sutherland. Some old lady that I was talking to said that the next season of "24" will feature Jack shifting into the first male bisexual action character on a television show. This will be a hard transition for Jack but he eventually runs train on a black guy in a five minute sex scene.

    Jack Bauer? More like Jafag Bafagger! Jack Bauer is the stupidest person in the world. Who would win in a fight between Kiefer Sutherland and Jack Bauer? Kiefer Sutherland because Jack Bauer is such a raging noodley-armed wuss!

    My friends think that Jack Bauer is like Jesus with a gun and that he could defeat anybody that crosses his path. What?. Jack Bauer is on par with the following people in terms of manliness:

    • Pee Wee Herman
    • Steve Urkel
    • Comically scrawny character from comedic television show with timely jokes about how he can't get a girl.
    • Chuck "Chuck 'Mother Fucking' Norris" Norris
    • Steven Segal

    Everyone who likes "24" is a keen supporter of being/becoming a douche. I'm talking a big douche with extra room for like five gallons of water (which is later used for the act of "douching" your vagina). Then you drink the water afterwards because you're a gross pig that likes a nice tall glass of bloody douche water for breakfast, lunch, and dinner. Or should I say "brunch" because you're gay and eat a slice of melon with that water. You probably heat up the water in the microwave and then put a tiny umbrella in with it. Then you chew on the umbrella in a festive manner and twirl it with your tongue in hopes of created sexual tension between you and your colleagues (because you're gay).

    All this is true to the 100%.

    - Awful Xanga of the Week

    SaraS_BabY_BoiI_16 (thanks Lancaster County Educational System) - What makes this worse is that I've actually met this guy in real life. Let me tell you this: he's dumb, slow, and always wears his hat sideways in an amusing manner that makes me giggle like a school girl. I'm sure after reading he'll crap his stupid diaper in anger and probably go WHAT THE FUCK DID I EVER DO TO YOU? Well, you typed in a computer screen for one and made it public. I'm doing the public a favor by trying to erase you forever. Everyone meet Dave Thomas:

    I SUCK AT LIFE. I FEEL I MESS EVERYTHING UP . IM A HORRIBLE PERSON .I WISH I COULD TAKE BACK EVERYTHING IVE DONE TO U AND MAKE IT ALL BETTER.

    Yeah? Are you sure you don't listen to Papa Roach? I bet this guy has Papa Roach stickers all over his room and carves the lyrics into his arms when he's cutting himself. Then he goes home and cries to Walker: Texas Ranger.

    Expertise: im takeing classes at thompson insitute to get my high school Diploma that will be cool when i get that .

    Note to self: prevent anyone from going to Thompson Institute. Look on the bright side SaraS_BabY_BoiI_16, one week you're taking classes there and then the next week you're cleaning out the toilets as the janitor! Walker: Texas Ranger calls it the "circle of life". This reminds me of that one Creed song which I heard once on that radio station one time back at that one area in that one place. Creed is for Bible humping dickfaced mullet sporting assholes by the way. Walker: Texas Ranger is not amused by Creed.

    YOUSE BETTER STOP TALKING SHIT ON ME BEFORE I GET SOME ONE TO TAKE U OUT...IM TIRED OF PEOPLE TALKING SHIT ON ME AND MY GF WHAT THE FUCK HAVE I EVER DONE TO HER OR ANY ONE ELSE??? SHE STARTED THE DRAMA BUT IM GOING TO END IT SOON....FUCKING PEICE OF GARBAGE,HIPPY LOOKING SHIT FACE WHORE.

    Haha, this idiot said "YOUSE". You'se guys better knock it off, I'm getting red! Don't make me call you "hippy looking"! I'll give you what for, yes I will! I'm going to end it soon with the STONE COLD STUNNER LIKE "STONE COLD" STEVE AUSTIN (who is from Texas like Walker: Texas Ranger).

    Interests: I back yard wrestle on saturdays.


    chea son, dave "big-d" thomas in the mutha fuckin' hizzouse! errybody go into walsmart and steal dey bitch ass smiley balloons. i'm a real hord ass nigga. nigga step up and get they shit messed real quick. maybe i shouldn't post my picture on random publicly accessed sites so people can use them in their half-assed articles! aight, i gotta split. my hat needs to be starched so it looks like i juss bought it! peace out nigga!

    This guy takes everything on the Internet seriously and may block you from his Internets if you leave him zero eprops. More like he needs a proper salve for this total third degree burnination I just gave him. Clear the burn ward! Here comes a code blue patient! His name is Dave "Big Duh" Thomas!

    Oh Dave Thomas, you're a real classy son of a bitch!

    Hopefully a giant black dude won't punch me in the face by next week. Oh well.

May 17, 2006

  • What I Do In My Free Time

    I go into K-Mart, purchase one watermelon flavored Ring Pop, and then promptly throw it away:


    click to enlarge

    I'm kind of busy and this one is kind of dumb so that's about it.

    - Awful Xanga of the Week

    i_c_dumb_ppl (thanks me) - This is a joke account, right? If it's not I will promptly push my fingers into my eyes because its the only way to stop the ache jesus was never meant to push his way inside cut myself and want to die

    slipknot rocks!!! say otherwise and ill have to jump a table and beat yer ass....lmao...COHEED SUX ASS!!!...and death to all fuckin posers that think they know reel music!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

    Well, then I guess I'm dying like a bajillion times over because I know real music.

    barbizzle i done told u i was yer nigga and you know i wont tell...wtf you do nigg??

    Get it? It's funny that she says "nigg" when she is in fact a white person! The humor levels are off the charts!

    today in global studies mrs. bentz was talkin bout a gothic tribe and ppl look over at me...and i was like its cuz im black huh???...lmao.....

    That's pretty funny! You're such a crazy card you're like the Joker Card! You make me look like the instructional card with the tiny, tiny font because YOU'RE SO FUNNY! MOVE OVER CARLOS MENCIA AKA NED HOLNESS! HERE COMES I_C_DUMB_PPL!

May 9, 2006

  • Everything I do is on Purpose

    I never make mistakes. If it looks like an accident it's because I wanted it to look that way. I think before I do everything which, in turn, makes me mistake free. If I slip on the ground it's because I wanted to test the velocity in which my body would fly through the air. All on purpose. If I spill something it's because I wanted to conduct an experiment on liquids hitting different surfaces. Purposefully doing these things (on purpose). If I run into a wall and bump my head - it's on purpose. Everything I do has a reason behind it and the reason is that I want to do things on purpose. If that didn't make any sense then I have confused you on purpose.

    Just the other day I ran over an old lady on purpose. She was blocking the roadway and was probably stealing some orange cones (because all old people steal). I had to stop her! A cop pulled me over minutes later and I resisted arrest on purpose. I went to jail and was slammed in a cell with a big dude named Sanchez. I shit my pants as soon as I saw him. I shit them on purpose so he would avoid me. Not because he threatened to blow my ass out while I was sleeping. Everything I do is on purpose, remember?

    In my free time I like to quote different movies and authors. It makes me feel smart. "I'm in a quoting mood" I'll say as I quote myself saying my own quote using quotation marks. This "quoting" time lasts from several minutes to several hours depending on which book or movie I pull quotes from. I'm too lazy to think up or build my own sentences so I'll just use someone else's. It's like the fast food of the English language. I like to quote obscure authors so nobody could possibly know if I actually made up the quote or note. Sometimes I'll quote whilst furrowing my brow. I like to furrow my brow a lot. It makes me look like I'm thinking. Or shitting. Either way I look totally awesome while doing it. Sometimes I furrow my brow so hard that I shit myself. Save for the arid smell of human feces floating in the air, it's a win-win situation. With my pants shitted and brow thoroughly furrowed, my popularity levels up +6,000 and flies right THROUGH THE ROOF.

    - Awful Xanga of the Week

    Miyavi_LoonyLG (thanks AndrewGurn) - Ugly and incomprehensible. Yay!! I am SOOO Morman! *man gets his nuts shot off for real*

    i m a mormon and its really ace being one wow soo not what i expected wow we actually can dance which is ace though we arent allowed to see R rated movies ... i will have to get used to it although i dont see R rated movies that much ... the passion of christ ... i cant see that ... well the thing is that i cant drink caffeene i m still getting usdd to that one but i can have chocolate ...and well they keep stressing i must marry in the church... well i wouldnt mind to get married in utah...oh what a beautiful thing would it be to have not only a companion for this life time but for all eternity ....

    This person is a popular fixture on my Internet forums. For more information, click here. Or not. Either way I still get to see your boobs later.

May 2, 2006

  • What If

    I have been deeply concerned the past few days over a handful of things:

    • What if a big black dude punched me in the face?
    • What if a dead body fell on my car and I didn't have insurance?
    • What if I went to put on my shoe and a giant wolf spider was in there?
    • What if my penis touches the toilet when I'm taking a dump and I catch an STD?
    • What if I choke to death from drinking a soda because my idiot friends put toothpicks in the straw?
    • What if I was locked in a safe and had to go to the bathroom real bad?
    • What if while I was in stuck in traffic on the highway a nuclear bomb explodes in the horizon like in that one scene in Terminator 2: Judgement Day?
    • What if I crash my car while browsing radio stations and it so happens to end up on CAT COUNTRY 96.1 on impact and everyone thinks I secretly listened to country music when I die?
    • What if those off color crumbs in my cereal are actually dandruff chunks and/or dust particles?
    • What if my TV explodes and glass shoots towards me?
    • What if white supremacists surround my car while I'm at a red light?
    • What if my friend pops a pimple in my mouth while I'm sleeping?
    • What if I snap my neck or back while cracking it?

    These questions are largely rhetorical but feel free to give me answers to them. I can't come up with anymore questions so here's something else.

    CarrotTop CarrotTop2 CarrotTop3

    Here is Carrot Top.

    Words words words. Words words words words words. Some words. Words words. Words words words. Words. Words words.

    - Awful Xanga of the Week

    lsex_return (thanks last second search) - EWW! WHAT THE HELL?

    hey all. this is gonna be short cuz im currently in a guy's ass and i need to finish and go to missy's for another fuck. the guy is zach and hes 16 and we've been fuckin since like august. his big, 9in. im only about 6in. hes cut like me. mmmmmm oh sjit im cumming!

    If anyone needs me I'll be hole punching my scrotum.

April 25, 2006

  • Short Stories

    I was making some deviled eggs over Easter. I ran out of paprika so I just used red glitter. The room was dark so it looked the same. It's really all just crap if you think about it. Everyone was pissed because glitter was in their teeth. I told them all to leave my property for being such whiney assholes.


    I was sitting my basement crying and playing with my anime figurines. I was slamming them into each other so hard that I grew a boner. I eventually settled on lubing up the figurines and humping them with much vigor and velocity. I cried some more but these tears were ones of passionate joy. I passed out on the stairs leading up to the real world.


    Some people say I'm boring. When I'm at a restaurant, I only order water. Not cold water. Hot water. A nice, refreshing mug of hot water on a summers day is the only thing that keeps me from killing myself. I can't go one day without my daily five glasses of hot water. My friend suggested I add a tea bag or sugar. He's not a very good friend. He even interrupted me while I was trying to watch the Colin Quinn "Best of Joe Blow" special. I couldn't take anymore of his malarkey so I immediately defriended him and moved him to the bottom row of my Top Eight on Myspace.


    Brett was anxious. After recently typing a sweet ass "your mom" joke in large, capital letters in a chat room, he furrowed his brow in anticipation of a response. Minutes later, the response came flickering upon his computer screen in giant capital letters. The response said "shutup faggot".

    Brett chuckled at this knowing all too well he had sealed victory over his unruly opponents in the chat room. Satisfied with what he has accomplished, Brett sets his collar to "Abercrombie" and gratifies himself all over his cell-phone stand application.


    - Awful Xanga of the Week

    Redthrax (thanks me) - Wanna have sex with your mom? This guy does. This one is kind of boring actually. Only one post. I might as well post the whole thing just in case it's erased:

    Sweet, Xanga is a cool thing. well i guess i'll tell some little true porn stories, if you dont mind. to start off i'll tell you that i live alone with my mom, dad past away when i was 7. my mom is pretty attractive, i see guys looking twice when she walks by, she has dark red hair, a nice tan, slim and a little muscular( she works out regularly), long legs, Hazel Eyes, no freckles, a nice ass, not too big, but not small,and c-cup tits. I would always admire her when she couldnt see me, and since the bathroom was across the hall from her room she neva wore a towel to and fro, i would drea of her and jerk off to her. we always got along and did things together. she is tom-boyish and would play vid-games with me, watch cool movies, all that. i admit that i fell in love with my mom, Autumn,ut it wasnt wrong to me, i didnt care.

    will post more if enough people leave comments.

    You heard him folks. Post more comments and he'll write more. Luckily that's not true for me.

April 19, 2006

  • Front to the Past

    It is documented that a man by the name of Sir Johnathan Quincy Normal Esq. of Falmouth invented the time machine. This is because in 1993 I stumbled across a time machine in my backyard and went back into time to claim that I invented a time machine. It's not like the time police were going to catch me by going back into time themselves. For all they know, I could've went back to 1997 and stopped the creation of the game Diddy Kong Racing 64 (forever ruining the lives of millions of children). The clock guy was the best in that game by the by. That's if you were good enough to get him. I was. I'm good at video games because I have skinny nerd fingers that move at the speed of 3.26 light years/one entire parsec.

    I guess that story did have a couple of holes in it. Like the whole thing was documented. Time police could just read these said documents and ballpark where I was. This is why I'm not writing for newspapers. I'm just plain unprofessional by golly! That and I write under these stupid nicknames which don't look too good on resumes. One time I was filling out an application and it asked me if I had any nicknames. "Jesus" is not a good answer. What can I say - a lot of people tend to call me Jesus for some reason. They were not amused.

    Important businesses don't like it when you sign your name backwards either. Fitting time to try and sign your name with your other hand? No. Putting an "Esq", "PhD", or both in a row when you're neither of those things tends to get your documents ignored. Enough about me. Now it's all you.

    Let's say you won a free Corvette. Cool, right? OH WAIT THERE IS A CATCH YOUNG LADDIE: the keys just so happen to be in a cloudy ten gallon bucket of 350 degree cooking grease. Go elbow deep in boiling death? I asked some people and they said yes. I believe that they are retards.

    - Awful Xanga of the Week

    xO_HuGgEz_nD_kiiSsEz_Ox (thanks Scott) - WARNING: COMPUTER FREEZE ZONE. You know, this is probably the hugest mess I've ever seen in my entire time on the Internet. I should stop doing these right now because I don't believe it can get any worse. I am going to sit in the corner and quietly sob to myself as I contemplate the future of AXOW. This is where it peaks folks.

    Scott talks about this one on his site. You should read what he wrote instead so I don't have to type stuff. In the meantime, check out a Xanga called Retro_Playback. It's awesome because it is video games. I would link it but two links in one sentence is too much work.

April 14, 2006

  • Welcome to the Gun Show

    I am the strongest person in the world. I can lift anything on the face of the Earth. I have fucking Jurassic fucking arms. My guns are so damn huge that they're not even guns - they're asteroids. One Kenny = Thirty Incredible Hulks. Example of my strength: I once carried FIVE MILK JUGS at once. No, they WEREN'T empty so don't even start. Don't even begin to start. Don't even begin to begin to start or begin. There was so much milk in them that milk was flying everywhere and people were drowning in the milk. It was like a waterfall of milk coming out of the jugs but they still stayed full. Almost "busting at the rafters" even. I can't even begin to explain how much milk was spilled that day.

    When I blink, veins and shit fill my forehead. It almost looks like an old Ren and Stimpy cartoon when they show the close ups of the characters. Except this is real life. I was chewing a granola bar the other day and I popped a vein. Not only did I pop a vein but I broke some of my own teeth. My whole jaw just broke off. I have to feed through a tube because I refuse to become less muscular. Scientists are trying to get me to remove some of my unnecessary muscle but I say no. I say no to this and drugs. Except heroine. Too much muscle? That's like too much money or air. Why would you want less?

    Chicks look hotter when they're muscular. I like a chick to crush my face and stomp out my balls with her huge feet when I get near her. When she smiles I want to see VEINS GALORE! The more veins the better. So what if she has more chin hair than me! I like a little stubble every now and then. How about a unibrow that connects to her hairline. A nice low forehead. No forehead would be nice. Just eyebrow to hairline. And a lastname resembling Munchausen.


    Yes please.

    I even have a strong smell. I constantly erupt an unpleasant aroma of sheer manly funk. When I exercise I sweat in actual gallons (that can be used for measurement). I sweat more in one workout session than any regular human does in five lifetimes. It smells so bad in the room after my workout that a thick haze is in the air and a warm, viscous goo is dripping from the walls. One time a woman got so sick from this goo she needed to be hospitalized. I took her purse. There was a check in there. It was a reality check made out to the good folks at the exercise plant or whatever you call it.

    - Awful Xanga of the Week

    B0TtleCAPS47 (Thanks MAF) - I know some other submissions were made but man - this one takes the cake! In fact, I think it just invented a whole new form of cake using some kind of undiscovered science only known to aliens. I'm not talking about those retards Mork and Mindy either. Real aliens like from The X-Files (yes, the REAL ones). C'mon Mr. CAPS, get your head in the game. One time he linked eBaum's world. I don't like that website. That and he's from Florida. Not to hold that against him but people from Florida are usually dumb. I mean I would be dumb too if I worked at Disney Land, lived in a swamp, had sex with alligators, and smelled like oranges.

    Also: butt cheeks.

April 7, 2006

  • Title (Remove)

    Why is this here?

    Hello information super highway pals! Would you kill and eat your cat for a million dollars? I would. I mean, with a million dollars you could buy an RV and live in it. That'd be pretty sweet. I'd just park my RV outside of work and live there. I asked this chick Michelle the cat question and she said that her cat Tommy "was like a person" to her. Man, she's so gay! That's right - a GAY. I even offered her one billion dollars and she said no. F that S. I bet if I backed up a dump truck full of money she'd be like "where's the fork and knife dammit, I want to jam it straight into Tommy's eyeball and twist". If I was offered a million to grab a puppy's jaw and tear its head in half - I would. Maybe for free because it would be quite comical to watch it's little head flap around like a limp penis. I'll just stick to kicking dogs in the nuts for now. I hate dogs.

    I'll give you a dollar if you:

    • Ask that chick for her number and then tell her you have AIDS.
    • Drink a cup of grease.
    • Make a list on the Internet.
    • Walk through a crowded mall backwards with your hands behind your back.
    • Buy me a 95 cent chocolate milk (resulting in an astonishing profit of five cents for you).
    • Kiss my asshole right in the pink.

    You can buy a lot of things with a dollar. That's 100 cents stupid! Hey stupid, are you done being stupid or what stupid? Stupid needs to be used more in sentences stupid. So c'mon stupid get stupid with stupid, stupid. Now some Weather Channel fan fiction which I have written.

    "Looks like it'll be cloudy and breezy all day, Sandra. Back to you."
    "Well Bill, my panties are all cloudy with my juices because I'm just looking for a hard storm front."
    "Come here and measure my atmospheric instability."

    Bill raised his thermograph with great thunder. They traded winds and Bill made sure Sandra's Palmer Drought Index was in the negative as she was usually quite the haboob. Bill slammed his derecho through her diffraction and it caused a hurricane warning in the southern hemisphere. Bill whipped out his weather vane and sprayed his heat index all over Sandra's nautical mile.

    Oh what a terrible, terrible life I lead.

    - Awful Xanga of the Week

    DeltaMedic (thanks anth0nyc) - Everybody knows that the Internet is serious business and nobody takes it more seriously than DeltaMedic.

    I take everything seriously and therefore I only associate with those who shares the same mentality--hence the common wavelenght that wisdoms are only said when they can make a GOOD difference. (not to infuriate one who knows how to truly deliver wisdom with conviction of compassion).

    It is not my wish or desire to sound condescending my good fellow, but just considering you impose the word "hence" amongst a plethora of spelling errors does not mean your acumen levels are reaching far beyond where humans hanker to adorn.

    I'm reading a story by Mark Twain called "HuckleBerry Finn". And I am at the point where the story is spoking me out with some twist that can literally flip the contents in my stomach--that was my dinner--upside down and wut yu migh call'it, oh yea, vomit.

    Yeah? Well one time I was also reading a fourth grade level book called "How do You go to the Bathroom in Space" that literally made me gasp and my monocle blew straight off at lightning speed and broke my lamp. I guess I'll just take nude pictures of myself in a mirror sans pubic hair and holding my crotch and post them on my Inter-njet. Oh wait, this isn't Myspace.

    Discussion or debate is over. Any further comments will be promptly deleted, same applies for all previous comments, as enough time from all parties have been wasted and there shall be no more.

    One time I went to a ball game during the fifth inning and said "alright guys, game is over because I said so". Everybody agreed and then left the stadium.

    In short: Delta "Thesaurus.com" Medic is kind of like the retarded Carlos Mencia with a weblog. Except take away the jokes, jam a stick up his ass, add more boring rants, and more answers to questions nobody is really asking. He also listens to Linkin Park. Discuss.

    Carlos Mencia is not a very good comedian. Click this once.

April 2, 2006

  • This is an Article About How I Am As Funny As Timothy Allen (With a Long Title to Boot)

    I'd like to start off today's family fun circle with some jokes! Are we ready? Get ready to laugh because I'm as funny as any black woman who liked Star Wars!

    • What's up with white people having world records in obesity? Is it because they eat a lot of fattening food and then not move for hours at a time? That was some "observational humor" for you comedy layman's out there.
    • Hey partner! Oh, your great grandma is died? Well, if she's so darn tootin' great then how come she's DEAD? Some giant words were here.
    • Women! I mean, why won't they talk to me for more than five seconds? Is it because they're all vicious bulldykes? Eh? I gotta tell ya folks, I am one funny ass son of a bitch. I am literally so funny that I just dethroned the undisputed king of comedy Tim "Mother Fucking" Allen. Move on over Tim Allen - here comes Ken.
    • Don't you think that by taping oranges under my shirt I would have a great set of man-tits? Now John Goodman - there's a guy with a nice rack. Damn those are some fine hairy ass chest tents. I wonder if he'll let me stick it in between them.

    I'm pretty sure that what I just wrote fulfilled the dreams of my forefathers. I can't wait until my great, great grand children ask me what I did with myself in my spare time. Of course, that's under the assumption that I'll live to be that old. I'm sure that one day I'll be killed when a dump truck falls on top of me and I explode because, for some reason, it was parked on a rooftop and the brakes didn't work. Just my luck the truck will be full of amputated parts fresh from the hospital and they won't be able to distinguish my parts from theirs and a huge mix up will take place at the morgue. Or what if when the dump truck hit me all my internal organs and bones liquefy instantly but my skin doesn't break at all. I'll just look like a giant tan trash bag full of blood. They try to pick me up and BOOM - I pop all over their faces. That'd be pretty funny.

    That's enough funeral talk for this month.

    - Awful Xanga of the Week

    Wile_E8 (thanks tele) - I recently watched this one CSI episode where a furry died after he go shot and then hit by a car. This was after some dude put epicac on him in a "fur pile" and semen was all over the crotch of another animal suit. It gave me a boner to tell you the truth.

    I rely heavily on email for IMPORTANT information, especially my job this summer!!! And, they blocked all these other website like the financial ones...well guess what, I am taking an economic class, which research is involved. How am I suppose to do that when it's blocked? This is a joke. No one will stand for this. Something is going down tomarrow... You might want to check the newspapers tomarrow, this could get ugly.

    What. Tim Allen says "oh no" in a weird, grainy voice when something goes wrong for him.

    As we were just looking at eachother for that 10 minutes, I think we some how came to some sort of an understanding about eachother. It was like we connected. The lion was looking at me as something other then a threat or food and I was looking at him as something other then a lion locked up in a cage. It was like a mutual understanding. The best way that I can describe it would be "respect."

    I don't know about that but Tim Allen was a furry in the movie "Shaggy Dog".

    - Awful Myspace of the Forever

    You (yes YOU) can now visit the official Myspace account of Kenneth Rules Esq. of the Internet! The link is hidden in this very sentence! Where? Nobody knows! If you enjoy the delicacies of Myspace for some reason, travel o'er yonder and witness the sheer terror!

March 23, 2006

  • The More You Know

    I knew a guy named Brandon that up until fourth grade would take a whiz at the urinal with his pants FULLY down around his ankles. Who teaches this? I was always taught to whip it out the front door and do my business. But since I'm open to new and "exciting" experiences and Brandon (who was a genius) did it, I decided that it was due time to try this beast out. So a couple of days ago as I was getting ready to drain the snake, I dropped trough and stood half naked in front of the old off-white bucket. I emptied my payload and shook off the loose ends. This action caused droplets to spatter all over my legs. No big deal. All was soaked up by the fabric of my pants upon pulling them back up. This is a great story and I hope they tell it at my funeral.

    I already have plans for my funeral seeing as how lots of people want to kill me in unimaginable ways. My music, for example, will be the longest and most boring song you could possibly find. Like an entire set of some grocery store muzak. That way everybody there will be getting annoyed at what is taking so long and fall asleep looking at my rotting corpse. Then when it comes to the time where everybody is walking past my body in a line tearing up with emotions, one of my friends will run up and slap a "Shit Happens" sticker right on my coffin whilst screaming nonsense. They'll totally ruin the funeral. The food at my funeral: nothing but hot beans. I want people to fart up a storm at this shindig. Montezuma's Revenge/Ken's funeral they'll call it.

    It should be festive too like a party. I want my eyeballs removed and replaced with candles. How about this - just hollow out my skull and put a strobe light in there. Then deck me out in full blown Frankenstein gear and have my coffin upright so you can take a picture with me. Like a photo booth or something with a curtain installed so Grandma can have a short photo-op with me while crying over my non-existence. Put strings on my arms so I look like a real Frankenstein too dammit. I don't want to look like an ass up there. Pass out shirts that say "It's Kenny's funeral and he'll DIE if he wants to". Sounds cheesy, but it isn't. This all sounds realistic to me.

    Fuck Dave Matthews fans by the by.

    - Search Terms of the Month

    Maybe I should stop posting these because people are starting to think this site is male bondage and animated gif central when in fact it is the OFFICIAL SITE OF THE POPE CLOTHING SALE LEGISLATIVE BRANCH SOUNDBOARD ESTELLE GETTY NUDE. I'm only going to post the best ones because there are too damn many.

    • animated nazi gifs
    • nazi OR "third reich" flag animated gif
    • nudity required jobs
    • site:www.xanga.com circle jerk
    • nipple animated gif
    • personal profile fucking my space
    • having sex with robocop
    • bible humper sites
    • negros fucking white ladies
    • fighting chicken knives
    • circumcision bondage
    • real bloody assholes porn
    • wolrd of worcraft
    • sperm and egg animated gifs
    • dog shitting animated gif
    • can you show a dog fuckin a lady
    • animated gif jesus smoking
    • my space graphic man eating a hamburger
    • now what the fuck%2
    • the fuck you lik
    • "I yell at my cats."
    • do like were animals nickleback
    • Randy Savage "I'm an Asshole"
    • Randy the Macho Man soundboard
    • torture rack
    • perry saturn 2006
    • best move sergeant slaughter
    • cobra clutch wrestling diagram
    • deadly submission moves
    • most dangerous wrestling move
    • hiroshima sport team email
    • "alocer loki"
    • steven segal facts
    • uncircumsized
    • circumcision
    • horse layouts
    • how to hack xanga protected posts
    • have you ever hacked into the mainframe
    • Dale Gribble Soundboard
    • LEX AND TERRY WHEELCHAIR CHICK
    • Myspace + "git-r-done" + glitter images
    • "my foreskin" site:xanga.com
    • keep it together when nobody would blame you for falling apart xanga quote

    <IMG heart.gif
    HIDDEN XANGA.COM GRAPHICS

    - Awful Xanga of the Week

    Icequeeny_86 (thanks Icequeeny_86) -
    post me as ur next worst xanga i dare you.

    The One and Only. Forever Frozen,

    Ice Queen

    Welp, there you go. That pretty much speaks for itself. I didn't even have to fish around this week! They jump right in the boat now!

March 17, 2006

  • Everyone You Hate Must Be a Stalker

    Dear Internet,

    Almost over night, the entire world was filled with stalkers. They are now here, there and everywhere. An old lady was following me the other day in her Sedan for about 12 minutes. My friend told me she was a stalker. Some fat Mexican Jew with a doo rag was standing behind me in line at the Super Market for awhile so he must be a stalker as well. I can't even watch TV anymore because of the potential stalkers lurking on the screen. Seriously though, just turn on divorce court and I'll guarantee you that there will be this girl calling her ex-boyfriend a stalker. Even if he lived more than 100 miles away she'll call him a stalker anyway because it's a new form of "attack" against him that makes him look bad in the process. At least for a few seconds until she pays up for beating his dog to death and stealing his car. What a bunch of dumb broads.

    Stalking has become a popular past time on the Internet according to any imbecile girl who runs an Internet weblog. WHY THERE IS A STALKER ON THIS VERY SITE RIGHT NOW. Who is it? Let me check my special STALKER counter hidden in the special geek squad coding on my site! Why, it's Xanga weblog user John_Q_Normal! This bubbling sack of muddy water and slime has visited my site more than once! This idiot douche bag must be masturbating to my half-naked photos which I have posted that you STALKING ASSHOLES shouldn't be looking at! Don't make me write an email to the proper authorities with the subject line "PLZ I HAVE A STALKER" because they'll take me very seriously! Police involvement will take place once they see my overwhelming "evidence"!

    REAL ME
    DON'T LOOK AT THIS RECENT PICTURE
    OF ME STALKERS! I'M WARNING YOU!

    If I drank a gallon of milk and urinated for every time I've seen the word "Stalker" on the Internet I'd have empty milk jugs and pee all over the place and I would really smell (because it would be a lot).

    Before I begin on this weeks happenings, I just want to remind you of the significance of the Awful Xanga of the Week which I have invented and NOT plagerized off of any website (on the Internet)! It sends such a barreling shockwave of awesomeness through the pipeline of Xanga.com that I have successfully either halted the production of further posts on said sites or the owners shut them down altogether. I'm talking about seven whole sites out of 24 featured so far! 30% hit rate! BOOM HEAD SHOT D00DZ! Who can boast such great numbers? I don't know! I'd rather not know actually.

    - Awful Xanga of the Week

    Pain_suffering_and_death (thanks me) - My life is a swirling tornado of hurt and sorrow, gee whiz! Let's wear black (like the Nuns do) and talk about how everyone should go to hell and leave us alone (like Stone Cold Steve Austin).

    When I went to the mall I went in the BC shop and the stupid Fuckn SK8r Boys were there and they were telling everyone how they beat us up and made us look like fools and how we were "SCARED" and ran away those no good Dumb ass mother fuckers ARE going to DIE!!!!!!! My dad told me I should of went right up to them and PUNCHED the shit out of them

    ME AND MY FRIENDS YOU KNOW HOW WE WEAR BLACK ALL THE TIME PEOPLE DO CARE I SWEAR THIS FUCKIN WORLD IS MESSED UP!!!!!!!!!

    I also hate S8tr Bois! They are so AS IF! One time some skater came up to me because I was wearing a black shirt with the phrase "LYFE IZ PAYNE" and he was all like "Hey, why are you wearing black? Did YOUR MOM die after I had sex with her last night? Eh, Gothy McGoth? What's it to ya Gothy McGoth?" and I proceeded to steal his skateboard and do a sweet 360 reverse-heelflip right onto his face. It was the third best day of my entire life.

    Your friend,
    Kenneth Esq. of the Internet

    I'll stop that trick when it becomes old hat (which is never).

March 11, 2006

  • Part II of I: Part II

    PEOPLE OF EARTH. I NOW HAVE CONTROL OF YOUR COMPUTER BOX.

    The time is ripe for the second installment of this thing I just made up last week! What is this about anyway? I don't know!

    Check it out, it's "LOL":

    • Nobody I've ever seen actually laughs when they type this. Their faces are downtrodden expressionless husks that are just there to remind us of what lives these people used to have.
    • I like to make a really low voice and scream "LAWL" when I find something funny instead of actually laughing. I remember all those times I laughed for real instead of doing this. Man, I was a real idiot.
    • I know of this guy who's name is Jeff Lowl. I LOL'd for like 20 minutes when I heard that shit.
    • One time Robocop came up to me and said "Halt citizen, your opinion as of this point is LOL and void". At least that's what I assume I heard him say the things he assumed I thought I heard him hear.

    "Whoa! Slow down there Kevin! I think you're just copying the first part of your idea just with a slight variation in topic."
    "Isn't that what sequels are all about?"
    "Yes Kaleb! But if you want to stand out you have to give them something different! Much like the path of Kid Rock's career according to VH1's Behind the Music."
    "The bah with the bah guy?"
    "Yes, the very same!"
    "Well, if I'm to break the chain of unending bad sequels, what do you recommend?"
    "I highly recommend you quit while you are ahead. We don't want another Matrix size disaster on our hands."
    "Thank you! Who are you anyway kind stranger?"
    "Hi, I'm Troy McClure. You may remember me from such films as Assault of the Party Nerds and Nudity Required."

    I've got no other lists so that's everything. For real brah. I'm not Joshin' you or anything. No Joshin' anywhere. This is a total "No-Josh" zone right now because I am not Joshing you or anyone around you. If someone says that I was Joshing you they are total LIARS. Tell them to come see me so I can punch them in the neck or chest. Preferably the chest because my punches are so hard your heart explodes on contact with my knuckles.

    - Awful Xanga of the Week

    SadisticSatisfaction (thanks NotYour) - RESIST! Against what? Let's find out!

    holy shit. Maybe only my Nazi comrades will get this but my step-mom is so fucking stupid. she comes back from my room and says "why you got a swastika on your computer" because i have a backround of the Nazi flag. I said "why im not allowed to?" she says "what are you communist now?" i was speechless. she could not comprehend how wrong she was. it would take so long to drive into her thick skull how completely different and wrong communism is compared to National Socialism and Fascism. That made my day. im laughing so hard my face hurts.

    Expertise: Tactics, leadership.

    Man, picking on these white power sites is like shooting any-kid-born-in-the-1990's in a barrel. Leadership? Well, you are leading me to believe that you are in fact a total boob! We all can't be listening to Korn, waving Nazi flags, and having advanced tactical skills in Halo 2 while laughng until our face hurts (LUOFH) at our step mothers over communism, can we? Here's to you future of America! Your opinions are LOL and void!

March 1, 2006

  • Part II of I: Part I

    Tapioca pudding is stupid. Don't eat it. Reasons why:

    • It looks like slime mold mixed with frog eggs.
    • It looks like rotten skim milk with pieces of glass in it.
    • It looks like a greasy load with rock candy sprinkled on top.
    • It looks like old oatmeal with fish eggs.
    • It tastes like anti-good-tasting stuff.

    Olives are stupid. Don't eat them. Reasons why:

    • You think it tastes good but it doesn't.
    • They're round in shape. Round food is overrated and totally rolls away when you drop it.
    • Reevaluate the taste next time and tell me that isn't disgusting.
    • No seriously, what is that? It taste like the inside of an asshole after it just blew some green apple chunks. I know this from experience.

    Dark Chocolate stupid. Man it's stupid. Reasons why:

    • It tastes like, oh I don't know, STUPID. TAKE THAT DARK CHOCOLATE!
    • Darker doesn't equal better. I mean, HANUS BLACK JOKE!!! AM I RIGHT?!
    • DUDE BRO I AM TOTALLY TYPING IN CAPITAL LETTERS LIKE I'M YELLING AT MY COMPUTER SCREEN

    Paving is awesome. We should pave over everything. Reasons why:

    • Parking lots are great because animals can't live there. I hate animals.
    • Bulldozers are awesome. I'm planning on installing a plow on both ends of my car so I can ram down as much living things as possible (maybe a plow on each of the doors as well).
    • Because.
    • Nuke the forests and cornfields and then pave over them.
    • We should just cut down the trees and then immediately pour tar and cement over the stumps and twigs. That way it'll never have a chance to grow back and it'll look cool like all hilly with jutting points and stuff.

    Mayonnaise is stupid. Don't eat it. Reasons why:

    • It only tastes relatively good with tuna.
    • It's impossible to spell right on the first try.
    • Mustard is better. Especially hot mustard.
    • Only white people eat it (TWO RACE JOKES SLAMMED INTO THIS ARTICLE! MAN I'M "LIVING ON THE EDGE" LIKE AEROSMITH)!

    I guess naming something Part One means you've got to have a Part Two. Will there be one? WHO KNOWS! Well, I guess one means another one to follow this one. I mean that there will be another one following Part One. You see? You dig? You follow? You saw, you dug, you followed while I came, I saw, I came again but this time it wasn't as strong because I was tired so I punched the bitch in the tooth. I like them old.

    - Awful Xanga of the Week

    Maddox_Fantasies (thanks Tucker Max Drunk) - If you're like me, you dream about having sex with famous Internet celebrity "Maddox". If only there was someone else with the same feelings for him OH SHIT SPEAK OF THE DEVIL.

    Meanwhile Carolyn untied Maddox. Terri's moans were dying down now. Maddox looked at Carolyn and touched her breast. Her nipples hardened instantly, and he smiled. Terri knew that it was now Carolyn's turn with Maddox and climbed off him, lying on the bed. Maddox sucked Carolyn's nipple for a second, enjoying what he had earlier been denied. Then he took control.

    Now only if I could find an airbrushed wolf shirt to wear OH WAIT SPEAK OF THE DEVIL YOU ARE WEARING ONE.

February 23, 2006

  • Xenon Lights.

    Folks, I want to talk to you today about an annoying phenomenon going on in this country. I want to talk to you about these people who go out and replace their normal head lights with these blue ass Xenon motherfuckers. Have you seen these things? Of course you haven't because you still have your eyesight. I got a friend to type this up for me because that's the last thing anyone sees before they go blind. I was just driving down the road and BOOM! I crashed my car. I couldn't put my rearview mirror into "night" mode fast enough. My eyeballs just burst into flames and just burst right out of my head. Covering my entire windshield with this bloody egg yolk stuff.

    XENON LIGHT BLOWOUT!
    INTENSE REALISM!

    Those things don't even work. There is no proof behind the anything they put on the boxes for these things. In fact, I was watching TV the other day and saw a report conducted by people who manufacture and test headlamps. In their report it stated that these Xenon lights actually give off LESS light than the factory installed yellow ones. You'll see LESS of the road! LESS. Totally for sure sans-vision when it comes to using these lights. They only look bright because the gas in these things goes blue in color when electricity slams into it. Like changing an old yellow light bulb in the shed to an eight dollar one that says "you'll see more colors with this bulb" when in fact you see less of the same damn thing but in a shade of white. Now imagine this bulb emits a fine laser beam of blue fucking death down the middle and you'll know what I mean.

    But seriously folks, here's what you do: next time you're approaching an intersection and you see one of these assholes behind you, slow down just enough so that when the light is turning yellow they don't make the light. It'll give you a couple of seconds to get your eyesight back and it will piss them off. But since I'm an asshole so I do this all the time to everyone. I also like to wave people in at the wrong time. They think everything is all clear and then BOOM! MAC TRUCK! Haha, it's funny because they can't yell at me afterwards on account of the whole "being dead" thing. Sometimes dead is better.

    Couple all this with the fact that they suck up almost twice as much power as the regular factory installed bulbs. Swift move! I don't want your car batteries working anyway. It's like you're paying more for less because, to you guys, less is in fact more!

    - Search Terms of the Month

    People find this very site by looking for Nickleback, Male Bondage, Circumcision, and Xanga Quizzes yet some have the nerve to call me a freak! Who's the REAL freak here? The guy driving the short bus or the passengers? Try not to answer that. I now present to you a disturbing collection that blows the previous ones away.

    • animals, nickleback
    • xanga quizzes (I'm pretty much the number one site on Google for this term)
    • "bass players are assholes"
    • "how to smoke a bowl"
    • "I yell at my cats"
    • "keep it up, buddy."
    • "awesome insult"
    • crips in pennsylvania
    • John Q horse
    • xanga skins
    • animated_wonsoongee john_q_normal
    • sperm in my eye hurts
    • deadly submission moves
    • (uncircumcised OR uncircumsized) site:xanga.com
    • the circle jerk at fags r us
    • bunch of shit
    • SOCKET KNIVES FOR CHICKEN FIGHTING
    • WRESTLING MOVES DIAGRAM
    • eureka's castle soundboards
    • randy macho man soundboard
    • lex luger, animated gif
    • ecw wrestling animated gifs
    • taco bell "taco sunday"
    • so sad
    • brian peppers gives me crazy pants
    • malebondage
    • bondage glitter graphics
    • nigga moment animated gif
    • animated seinfeld gifs
    • taco bell glitter
    • sailor moon glitter graphics for my space
    • glitter gifs
    • kenny death gifs
    • george bush animated gifs
    • wwe moves gifs
    • ufc animated gifs
    • bondage glitter graphics
    • King You
    • king you del
    • fuck you
    • fuck friend
    • sad king
    • Alocer Loki 2002
    • can women pee standing using lady jane's?
    • where can i find information about bloody egg superstitions

    - Awful Xanga of the Week

    klingon_layout (thanks few Trekkers on Xanga) - This site speaks for itself. I'm pretty lazy this week to say anything on a count I totally walked a flight of stairs last Monday. Big mistake. Walking is overrated. I wish I could use a wheelchair but alas, I don't know how. I'm pretty sure you just wave your arms in circles on the wheels like you're playing an air guitar. I'm gonna go buy that wheelchair I saw at the dump. It's missing a wheel but I can easily replace it.

    I'll give you fifty cents to use the Klingon layout.