March 23, 2006

  • The More You Know

    I knew a guy named Brandon that up until fourth grade would take a whiz at the urinal with his pants FULLY down around his ankles. Who teaches this? I was always taught to whip it out the front door and do my business. But since I'm open to new and "exciting" experiences and Brandon (who was a genius) did it, I decided that it was due time to try this beast out. So a couple of days ago as I was getting ready to drain the snake, I dropped trough and stood half naked in front of the old off-white bucket. I emptied my payload and shook off the loose ends. This action caused droplets to spatter all over my legs. No big deal. All was soaked up by the fabric of my pants upon pulling them back up. This is a great story and I hope they tell it at my funeral.

    I already have plans for my funeral seeing as how lots of people want to kill me in unimaginable ways. My music, for example, will be the longest and most boring song you could possibly find. Like an entire set of some grocery store muzak. That way everybody there will be getting annoyed at what is taking so long and fall asleep looking at my rotting corpse. Then when it comes to the time where everybody is walking past my body in a line tearing up with emotions, one of my friends will run up and slap a "Shit Happens" sticker right on my coffin whilst screaming nonsense. They'll totally ruin the funeral. The food at my funeral: nothing but hot beans. I want people to fart up a storm at this shindig. Montezuma's Revenge/Ken's funeral they'll call it.

    It should be festive too like a party. I want my eyeballs removed and replaced with candles. How about this - just hollow out my skull and put a strobe light in there. Then deck me out in full blown Frankenstein gear and have my coffin upright so you can take a picture with me. Like a photo booth or something with a curtain installed so Grandma can have a short photo-op with me while crying over my non-existence. Put strings on my arms so I look like a real Frankenstein too dammit. I don't want to look like an ass up there. Pass out shirts that say "It's Kenny's funeral and he'll DIE if he wants to". Sounds cheesy, but it isn't. This all sounds realistic to me.

    Fuck Dave Matthews fans by the by.

    - Search Terms of the Month

    Maybe I should stop posting these because people are starting to think this site is male bondage and animated gif central when in fact it is the OFFICIAL SITE OF THE POPE CLOTHING SALE LEGISLATIVE BRANCH SOUNDBOARD ESTELLE GETTY NUDE. I'm only going to post the best ones because there are too damn many.

    • animated nazi gifs
    • nazi OR "third reich" flag animated gif
    • nudity required jobs
    • site:www.xanga.com circle jerk
    • nipple animated gif
    • personal profile fucking my space
    • having sex with robocop
    • bible humper sites
    • negros fucking white ladies
    • fighting chicken knives
    • circumcision bondage
    • real bloody assholes porn
    • wolrd of worcraft
    • sperm and egg animated gifs
    • dog shitting animated gif
    • can you show a dog fuckin a lady
    • animated gif jesus smoking
    • my space graphic man eating a hamburger
    • now what the fuck%2
    • the fuck you lik
    • "I yell at my cats."
    • do like were animals nickleback
    • Randy Savage "I'm an Asshole"
    • Randy the Macho Man soundboard
    • torture rack
    • perry saturn 2006
    • best move sergeant slaughter
    • cobra clutch wrestling diagram
    • deadly submission moves
    • most dangerous wrestling move
    • hiroshima sport team email
    • "alocer loki"
    • steven segal facts
    • uncircumsized
    • circumcision
    • horse layouts
    • how to hack xanga protected posts
    • have you ever hacked into the mainframe
    • Dale Gribble Soundboard
    • LEX AND TERRY WHEELCHAIR CHICK
    • Myspace + "git-r-done" + glitter images
    • "my foreskin" site:xanga.com
    • keep it together when nobody would blame you for falling apart xanga quote

    <IMG heart.gif
    HIDDEN XANGA.COM GRAPHICS

    - Awful Xanga of the Week

    Icequeeny_86 (thanks Icequeeny_86) -
    post me as ur next worst xanga i dare you.

    The One and Only. Forever Frozen,

    Ice Queen

    Welp, there you go. That pretty much speaks for itself. I didn't even have to fish around this week! They jump right in the boat now!

Comments (42)

  • I'm almost at a song a month.

    MY FORESKIN XANGA MYSPACE GLITTER NAZI.

    PS- The awful site of the week sucks. It's mediocre.

  • Well, you can blame Icequeeny_86 for that one.

  • Dude, that xanga just sucks so bad it's...I lack the words for it.

  • I thought that AXOW wasn't outstandingly awful enough to be featured, but my mind started to change when I hit the poetry. But the Patrick Swayze stuff sealed the deal.

  • I like how all these douches over tag their messages. I think I'll start doing that, too.

    Dear Sir Kenneth of Sepety, Esquire,

    It excites me greatly that you have ceased to live and your soul has passed on. You can be certain that I will not be visiting your untimely funeral as I will be out of town that week. I am sorry for any inconvience that this may cause.

    Your comerade,

    As douchely as ever,

    This is overkill,

    Kind of like fucking your corpse is overkill,

    Because you're dead, and then the person fucking you is over you,

    Ok, this is it now,

    John_Q_Normal

  • Oops. Forgot to close that tag.

  • Possibly the funniest entry I've read. All funerals should be that entertaining.

  • too many gifs make baby jesus cry

  • I believe I schooled her to death. Its that good. Its like I stabbed a ninja with his own sword except shes a dyke ninja who eats furry tacos.

  • What are you saying?

  • Sorry I mean why are you using my site name?

  • haven't i ever told you that i can see dead people? i have a gift

  • Urination, muzac, and something awful.

    Why, you're a man after my own heart...

  • I like how the judges have bad keyboard manors. LMFAO. *jumps in the boat*

  • I totally owned her to hell and back.

  • boooo... dave matthews.

    actually they're alright. uh nevermind.

  • Catching chickens helps you grab loose balls.

  • I did not write this comment

  • What? Whos this

  • Yes motherfucker, yes.

  • check it out my new layout!

  • WHUT WHO IS DIS?????/

  • ur weird as SHIT!

  • http://www.xanga.com/baksoccer08

    Dear god.

    Oh and I owned that Ice bitch all over again. Can't believe how easy it is.

  • hey do you have a worst of the worst? a sort-of culmination of the best of the worst featured in "reviews" ?

    mucho thanko

  • Shallow skin, I can paint with pain
    I mark the trails on my arms with your disdain

  • Hello, my name is Bwyan. I live in a 2000-square-foot porcelain hippopotamus in Tahiti. I possess numerous super powers, including levitation, laser vision, and the ability to interject myself seamlessly into private conversations. I own a Yiddish-speaking zamboni named The Rabbi. I know an old lady who swallowed a fly. I eat planets as part of a balanced breakfast. If I had a daughter, you can rest assured her name wouldn't be Peyton Manning. I like to swear conspicuously in public locales. Uh-oh, Spaghettio. Sometimes, if I listen really carefully, I can hear my chest hairs conspiring against me. I can't take Xanga seriously when it asks me to describe myself. Someday I would like to invent a multi-colored snack product called "paint chips". If Fruity Pebbles cereal were a woman, we'd grope each other in the broom closet. I like to use silverware innapropriately. Once I resolv'd to build a stairway to Sherwood Forest; however, on learning that it actually existed, I became so discouraged that I scolded my pancreas profusely until I bled turnips. Velcro was invented in honor of this day. 87% of viewers think this is a ripoff of that website that dispenses facts about action stars. I am not once, twice, or even three times a lady. I won't stop at skipping to my own loo. I brake for fuzzy little woodland creatures. I think ethnic stereotypes are funny... until someone gets hurt. I like boobies. My piercing charisma is a weapon with which I slay mythical beasts and score discounts on pudding. I could maintain a seven to eight week long conversation on scratching oneself tastefully. I could also spout this crap all day. Blurbs to perturb.

  • Why did you steal my name?

  • Thank you for loving my layout! I just think it's a great idea to change my layout if you know what I mean, eh?

  • I believe I did not say anything about your layout KTHX INTERNET

  • I was told you were talking bad about me, but I can't figure out why. I don't know you and I have never been to your site so what the crap are you talking about. Are you the type of person that like to make things up to make yourself look good or what. Going by the photo with the multi eye colors you don't look good. So who are you to call me a stalker if I have never seen you before. You must be dreaming or something.
    Posted 3/26/2006 at 3:10 PM by Lostlove94

    Visit Lostlove94's Xanga Site!
    Why do you have my name? Very Weird!!!!
    Posted 3/26/2006 at 3:17 PM by Lostlove94

  • That was pretty good.

  • OH WOW! ESSAYS GALORE ON XANGA!

    Just felt I fuckin had to ya know? Death to the ignorant and whatnot.

  • RYC: Yeah, it blew up right in her fuckin face. Brilliant!

  • hi nice xanga

    i saw you went on my site.

    comment back!

  • walk with care; DMV knows powerful people!

    j

  • i hope i'm not blocked.  i like this site.

  • haha...I liked the Frankenstein picture on the Comments page.
    Shit does indeed happen...and if you're lucky, it lands in the toilet. If you're not, it ends up splattered all over your face.
    *sigh*
    I guess that's why I'm glad the shower is so close to the toilet.

  • when i was growing up this german kid Ingolf used to pull his pants, underwear, etc down around his ankles at public restroom urinals too.  It left an impression that I will share with people on my deathbed.  Also,when we were playing outside, he used to always bolt for the woods, take a dump, and wipe with leaves (I think he preferred dried brown oak tree leaves).  You ask a great question:  who the hell teaches their kids to do that?  Was he imitating his dad or something?  That's even more frightening.  Incidentally, Ingolf turned out to be a super genious.  I've decided that I will teach my kids to piss/shit like a weirdo so he also turns out like a genious. 

    cheers. 

  • you have an interesting persception  of the world.  witty and highly amusing.  I think having sex with robocop would be kinky. LOL. 

    Jade

  • It's so nice when people request you to name them as the Awful Xanga of the Week.  Saves ya a lotta trouble!

    In addition to getting it put on t-shirts, you should have "It's Kenny's funeral and he'll DIE if he wants to" recorded as your eulogy and have it played during the service.

  • yo man hope u feel better

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