February 23, 2006

• Xenon Lights.

  Folks, I want to talk to you today about an annoying phenomenon going on in this country. I want to talk to you about these people who go out and replace their normal head lights with these blue ass Xenon motherfuckers. Have you seen these things? Of course you haven't because you still have your eyesight. I got a friend to type this up for me because that's the last thing anyone sees before they go blind. I was just driving down the road and BOOM! I crashed my car. I couldn't put my rearview mirror into "night" mode fast enough. My eyeballs just burst into flames and just burst right out of my head. Covering my entire windshield with this bloody egg yolk stuff.

  
  INTENSE REALISM!

  Those things don't even work. There is no proof behind the anything they put on the boxes for these things. In fact, I was watching TV the other day and saw a report conducted by people who manufacture and test headlamps. In their report it stated that these Xenon lights actually give off LESS light than the factory installed yellow ones. You'll see LESS of the road! LESS. Totally for sure sans-vision when it comes to using these lights. They only look bright because the gas in these things goes blue in color when electricity slams into it. Like changing an old yellow light bulb in the shed to an eight dollar one that says "you'll see more colors with this bulb" when in fact you see less of the same damn thing but in a shade of white. Now imagine this bulb emits a fine laser beam of blue fucking death down the middle and you'll know what I mean.

  But seriously folks, here's what you do: next time you're approaching an intersection and you see one of these assholes behind you, slow down just enough so that when the light is turning yellow they don't make the light. It'll give you a couple of seconds to get your eyesight back and it will piss them off. But since I'm an asshole so I do this all the time to everyone. I also like to wave people in at the wrong time. They think everything is all clear and then BOOM! MAC TRUCK! Haha, it's funny because they can't yell at me afterwards on account of the whole "being dead" thing. Sometimes dead is better.

  Couple all this with the fact that they suck up almost twice as much power as the regular factory installed bulbs. Swift move! I don't want your car batteries working anyway. It's like you're paying more for less because, to you guys, less is in fact more!

  - Search Terms of the Month

  People find this very site by looking for Nickleback, Male Bondage, Circumcision, and Xanga Quizzes yet some have the nerve to call me a freak! Who's the REAL freak here? The guy driving the short bus or the passengers? Try not to answer that. I now present to you a disturbing collection that blows the previous ones away.

  • animals, nickleback
  • xanga quizzes (I'm pretty much the number one site on Google for this term)
  • "bass players are assholes"
  • "how to smoke a bowl"
  • "I yell at my cats"
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  • John Q horse
  • xanga skins
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  • (uncircumcised OR uncircumsized) site:xanga.com
  • the circle jerk at fags r us
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  • WRESTLING MOVES DIAGRAM
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  - Awful Xanga of the Week

  klingon_layout (thanks few Trekkers on Xanga) - This site speaks for itself. I'm pretty lazy this week to say anything on a count I totally walked a flight of stairs last Monday. Big mistake. Walking is overrated. I wish I could use a wheelchair but alas, I don't know how. I'm pretty sure you just wave your arms in circles on the wheels like you're playing an air guitar. I'm gonna go buy that wheelchair I saw at the dump. It's missing a wheel but I can easily replace it.

  I'll give you fifty cents to use the Klingon layout.

  • 4:32 AM
  • 17 Comments