January 31, 2006

• WRASSLIN'.

  Why hello there good person, how are you today? Did you come to take a gander at the glorious path that I have paved over the years? Because man, this thing is all crooked and everything with like patches of grass all over the place. Someone should probably get a professional writer in here.

  Today's article will be solely about the "sport" of pro wrestling. As a child, I used to elbow drop off of couches onto the ground and make loud banging noises throughout the house trying to imitate "Macho Man" Randy Savage. Since I have an attraction to violent and loud noises this pleased me greatly. When my friends would crash at my house, they'd be on the floor sleeping until the darkness of afternoon so I'd wake them up with a gloriously wrong leg drop to their windpipes. Those idiots deserved it anyway.

  I got out of pro wrestling around the time ECW died. Since that kind of crap isn't on TV anymore I watch UFC. UFC is less embarrassing to admit to watching and not to mention manlier. I still retain knowledge of some moves which brings me to today's article. Time to tell you about the greatest wrestling moves to ever bust out of the late 80's - early 90's.

  The Cobra Clutch The finisher used by a wrestler named Sergeant Slaughter who dominated the mat back in the 80's. He also dominated a cartoon named "G.I. Joe" back then as one of the main characters. His Cobra Clutch was applied with such force that it pretty much busted all of your blood vessels, snapped your neck, and KILLED YOU. Before your ultimate death you would have seizures and your loose arm (which comes to no use in this obviously inescapable move) would flail around as if it were spaghetti and you would yell out something about the move not being fake to the referee. After blood shoots out of your nose, Sergeant Slaughter would then be hauled away by police officers for MURDERING YOU FOR REAL.	"SGT. SLAUGHTER IS INSANE!!!"
  Torture Rack This move was popularized by Lex "The Narcissist" Luger and pretty much defines awesome. Once he somehow lifts you up slowly when you're not looking onto his back, he breaks you in two by folding you in half around his head until he pretty much crosses his arms. This move also KILLS YOU much like the Cobra Clutch. After he's finished he tosses your body to the ground like a bag of leaves. Actually, your body represents more of a Ziploc bag filled with red oatmeal at this point because your bones have been pulverized into dust. Lex Luger is then known to then poke a straw into you and suck the bone-meal out of your body for its rich nutrients.	"HE RACKED HIM!!! GOOD LORD!!!"
  Shoulder Breaker A shoulder breaker is done by lifting your opponent up and then bringing their shoulder down on your kneecap at a billion miles per hour. This move is so POWERFUL that it breaks the mat a little when applied and completely and totally rips their arms right out of the socket. It is banned in four thousand countries and is illegal in outer space. This is also known as a "crowd pleaser" because it pleases the crowd with bathroom break opportunities when the move is applied. This is because people hate the person doing this move because they think it's dumb. More like THEY ARE THE ONES WHO ARE DUMB. SCREW YOU AND THE HORSE YOU CAME IN ON YOU DON'T KNOW ANYTHING ABOUT PRO WRESTLING!! I'LL SHOULDER BREAK YOUR NUTS!!	"RING THE DAMN BELL REF!!!"
  Belly-to-Belly Suplex An oldie but goodie, this maneuver pretty much turns your chest and back into bloody hamburger. If your attacker does a difficult rotation while throwing you it will probably kill you instantly. Some consider this move to be stupid and boring and weak but they're wrong because there is no defense against it. In today's world you can get disqualified for doing it not only in the ring, but in life as well. Just the other day I did it to some snotty five year old kid at the grocery store and someone rang the bell. In fact, I always have a guy behind me carrying a bell. That way, when I do something wrong, like punch a clerk in the face, a bell will keep going off even though I'm still pummeling him. Security eventually shows up and everyone boos me so I gain negative popularity.	"HE'S DEAD!!!"
  The Sky High This move was invented by some idiotic moron named D-Lo Brown and is one of the most dangerous attacks in the history of mankind. It is so monumentally violent that Kung-Fu experts have begun to integrate it into their various styles of fighting. It is carried out with such force that the victim literally shits and vomits at the same time when landing. If the attacker runs with the opponent while engaging the move the victim will liquefy upon impact and create a huge mess. In Iraq, suicide mission supporters have begun to do the Sky High off of buildings. G-Forces created with the move from such heights lead to some of the largest explosions ever created by man. The real reason behind Hiroshima is because of this very wrestling move.	"OH MAN! THE CAREER ENDER!!!"
  Rib Breaker Like the name implies, it totally breaks your ribs. I'm not even kidding. You might as well write your WILL before someone does this to you in the ring because you'll die almost instantly. No joke. Not even slightly being funny with you now. The impact from this move will shatter your rib-cage and the result will equal 100% pure death. Pieces of broken bone will poke through your lungs and rip apart your heart. The last thing your kids will see is you coughing up blood and spit. There is no way to fake the pain caused by this move. Not joking. For real. I'm not even kidding.	"*BARF* THIS IS SICK!!!"
  Elbow Drop If you're like me, you like to sand down your elbows so they're pointy like knives. That way every time you attempt an elbow drop (from a desktop or office chair) there is a slight chance of severely injuring whatever living object you're aiming for. An elbow drop is like marking your territory. In order to become the dominant male in whatever area you're in, you must show that you're the undisputed KING OF THE UNIVERSE by elbow dropping everything every chance you get. I even elbow drop while standing. I pretty much just go up to people, pat my elbow twice and then elbow them in the face. DO YOU SMELL WHAT I AM COOKING? IT IS YOUR DEMISE.	"WCW VS. NWO: REVENGE FOR THE NINTENDO 64!!!"
  Back Body Drop Every wrestler who has used a back body drop has murdered somebody. The move sends the opponent so far up into the air that they lose consciousness and pass out from little to no oxygen in the atmosphere. Since they're knocked out while coming down (at over 200 MPH) they land on their neck and die some ten minutes later. Whoa, I remember in one movie starring Steven Segal a guy got totally back body dropped off of a building and died because his brain exploded. That was awesome.	"THE MAN IS SADISTIC!!!"
  The Made-Up-On-The-Spot Hold Sometimes you're so awesome at being a pro wrestler that you don't even have to use regular moves. If your charisma is good enough you can throw your training out the window and just make up a move on the spot. Like a leg lock/tongue grab. If you're wrestling a chick in a mixed-match it's the perfect opportunity to grope them up and stick your hand down their pants. If they ask you what you're doing, you can just say that it's a new submission move called "The Buried Fist" and you learned it in Japan. This works in real life as well. Just clothesline a woman and then squeeze their breasts until they scream for mercy. You'll all have a good laugh because wrestling is fake and you can blame it on Japan. Got that? It works every time. Trust me on this one.	"???!!!"
  Rings of Saturn A submission move invented by a crazy lunatic homicidal maniac named Perry Saturn. You see, he was put on death row a couple years ago for ripping some guys arms off. Perry Saturn continues to pull at the arms until he hears a snapping noise. Uh, that's all I have to say about this one.	"THIS WASN'T PLANNED FOLKS!!!"

  - Awful Xanga of the Week

  Sailor_Scout_Master (thanks me) - Now that you've lost all respect for me after just revealing my past (which in case I don't care), let us all relax in the soothing aura of these three words: SAILOR MOON PORN. I like looking at the moon as much as porn but not when there are sailors there! GET IT? GET MY JOKES? I GUESS IF YOU ARE WHAT YOU EAT SOMEONE HAS BEEN EATING A FEW SILLY GEESE LATELY LOLROFL

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