March 22, 2005

  • Jail II.


    After being bludgeoned in the face by a cross dressing police officer or something, I woke up in a jail cell. Everything was all wet and it smelled like the toilet just exploded. Dark outside too and the cell was all like stone and stuff. It was like that scene in that movie Man in the Iron Mask where they showed that metal mask dude in his cell. That movie was awesome. There was also some other guy in the cell with me who was a bit shaky. All he did was shake and put his hands in his pants to touch his bare ass. Then he would put his hand up to his nose and smell it. His fingers were always covered in a fresh coating of ass blood. He sure is a card. We just talked for hours and hours:

    "So, your ass is bleeding, eh? Yep, that sucks. Did I ever tell you about the time I took a vacation to the Alps and took a dump on the tour bus? That was cool. It had heated seats and everything! The toilet paper sucked though. Luckily I carry my own pocket tissues. Didn't help though, so I just rinsed my ass off in this one sink. I shaved my cheeks for that particular vacation. The reason being..."
    "Won't you shut the hell up for two goddamn seconds? You've been talking non-stop for the last three and a half hours! I sure as hell don't give a damn about your stupid dime you found on the freeway, the cat ladies nude body or the plot line for the entire first season of Knight Rider! Alright?"
    "Probly. Prolly. Prolly want a cracker? HAHAHA! Get the water, 'cuz I'm on fire today!"
    "Goddammit. GUARD! Jesus Christ my fucking ass hurts. This blood smells like almonds, I know it. It's almonds. JESUS CHRIST A PIECE OF MY ASS CAME OFF! OH - MY- GOD! JESUS CHRIST, GUARD! GUARD! I NEED A FUCKING DOCTOR! OH JESUS CHRIST!"

    The dude started to cry uncontrollably. What a dumb wuss. I kicked his ass because he was such a wuss. I then went to give him a wedgie super old school style and all this bloody meat ran down his leg and splattered onto the floor. He screamed so loud the guard finally heard.

    "What in the hell do you want Jack? Goddammit, can't a man shit in peace? What the fuck are you doing Jack? HOLY SHIT KID! GET THE HELL AWAY FROM HIM! WHAT THE HELL DID YOU DO YOU TO JACK YOU FUCKING PSYCHOPATH?"
    "Nice going Jack. Why don't you just change your name to Snitchy McSnitch, stupid snitch."
    "He's....he's dead. Oh, son. You're gonna burn for this shit, you sonuvabitch. ON THE FLOOR NOW!"

    So some stuff happened that involved me being punched and anyway, turns out I was in a holding cell or something for killing all these people. That sucked. And I escaped and I'll tell you how I did some other time if I remember. I don't know, America's Most Wanted is on now.

     

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