November 29, 2011

  • Rush N' Attack for NES

    rushnattack

    This is an old school Nintendo Entertainment System game you losers have never played. It was exclusively released to the United States under this name. The rest of the world came to know it as "Green Beret". Of course, saying it enough times, you could pronounce it as "Russian Attack". Some say this is because of America and Russia doing non-NES related things back during its release in 1987.

    rush-n-attack

    Anywho, in the game you start out as an hardened soldier wearing bright blue (or bright red if you're player two) who moronically parachutes into enemy grounds with just ahunting knife. I guess his balls are so huge that he doesn't even need a gun unlike those douchebags in Contra. All he needs to do is go around and stab faces off. Luckily, barely any of the enemies in the game use guns either which doesn't make any sense considering some appear to be toting rifles on their backs.

    rushnguy    rushnattackyaargh

    The occasional weapon does pop up but if you're like me, you don't even need it because you're so awesome at video games. Even with the amount of enemies that come at you non-stop. And when I say non-stop, I mean they come at you even when the game is paused. In fact, if you leave it paused, the enemies just build up without moving in some sort of pixelated pile. 100% FACTUAL INFORMATION.

    The lives are skimpin'. You only get 4 lives without continues. You Contra buffs couldn't handle this game. You'd be, like, crying and throwing the controller because you'd think it's "not fair" or some stupid crap. If you're not good enough to handle all the baddies, you can team up with someone in its co-op mode. Then you and a friend can console each other when you are both losing horribly at it.

    If you really do need a weapon, these POW's dressed in Yellow will give you some guns n' ammo for your rush n' attack. They'll hook you up with everything from Bazooka's to Grenades to the power of what I call "laser skin", a term I dubbed when you get a star-man in Super Mario Brothers rendering you invincible. If you see one of them, gut them with your knife and weaponry will spill out of their bodies.

    There are many obstacles to avoid too. Like landmines, dogs, and bullets that move so slow you'd think a baby could catch one. I knew a guy named Sanchez that ran into a bullet moving that slow. It eventually was fully inside of his body in four hours. That's awesome. After cutting through the enemies, you complete your mission to destroy a nuke with your knife. What I say is true. If you've never played this game, you really should. The predecessor to the Contra genre is for people who like to stab pixelated "Rush'n" guys and blow up shit.

    Play it! Or die in a fire. I don't care.

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