I took a class in web design once because I wanted to make crazy web pages and write stupid things in them. Now that my dream has unfortunately come true and I've mastered the art of making stupid looking websites that rival the worst Geocities.com disasters, people think I'm smart. True story - a certified EMS chick came up to me and said:

"Wow, you took an Internet Programming class? You must be a genius."

As far as EMS personnel goes she wasn't too swift. Maybe the pure fanciness of the tuxedo shirt I was wearing at the time threw her off but I'll tell you right now that I'm no genius. Sure, my writing style is unique and I can throw together some awesome Cascading Style Sheets but that doesn't make me smart. Maybe it's just plain ignorance on their part towards the reality of what the Internet really is: a vast heap of crap with shiny sprinkles on top. At the very center of this heap is the crusty core filled with guys like me. All of us add to the shit heap constantly by churning our butt holes HARD until we bleed the Internet right out of our intestines.

They probably saw the movie "Swordfish" and thought that's what I do. It is what I do and I can hack into any mainframe on the planet. I'm going to hack Xanga.com and become rich by downloading their profits onto a floppy disk. Then I'll just simply upload the disk onto my hard drive and then email the contents to the bank. A few weeks later I'm sipping a nice cool refreshing glass of milk over an open fire. Well not actually OVER the fire because that would be downright stupid. Right next to the fire. Maybe three or four feet away as to not burn my flesh on the dancing flames. One time this guy named Nick ruined a New Years party by getting drunk and then immediately falling into the open fire pit. His burnt arm skin was flapping around and the dog tried to eat it but I stopped the dog and the dog and I became friends and then I married the dog for awhile but then some lady said that it was her dog and was against our marriage because she doesn't believe in same sex marriages. She's dead now.

- Awful Xanga of the Week

phinehaspriest83 (thanks Doddy Carver) - Funny this site shouts "priest" when in fact it's more like "The Dale Gribble of Racist Christians Blog".

I do indeed identify myself as a Christian and calling niggers, niggers doesn't change that one bit.

I wrote something about my future wife being an obedient help meet as it says in the Bible. Both of these twits corrected a direct quote from the Bible. They turned "help meet" into "help mate". I was so pissed off. I meant what I wrote and I don't appreciate being corrected by professed "Christians" who should know their Bible.

You know what pisses me off? People who insist on breeding more of these idiots!

This guy thinks that if some 2,000 year old book featuring grown men who see burning bushes that talk says it's right, it must be right! It's not used as a guide to do good deeds! It is to be taken literally! How stupid are you? Whoever is Christian and hasn't memorized the Bible is obviously a STUPID N00B! U ASSHOLES DONT KNOW WORCRAFT LIKE I DO U ASSHOLES UR A BUNCH OF HOLES IN THE ASS! Not only is the Bible right but so is the color WHITE! PURE WHITE LIKE JESUS OR THAT GUY HITLER WHO HAD A LOT OF "FACTS" ABOUT JEWS. YOU'RE JUST JEALOUS OF WHAT THE WHITE MAN HAS ACCOMPLISHED! DAMN BLACK AFRICAN NEGROS! WHY CAN'T YOU BE MORE LIKE THE WHITE AFRICAN NEGRO!?

When I say Jesus, I mean the Jesus that wasn't born in the Middle East and didn't have brown skin like beef jerky or smelled like camels. The one that was bred right in the deep south. So deep in the south that he was in actually located on the spot labeled "South Pole" on the globe. No wonder nobody visits Antarctica. It's because Santa was there raising Jesus from the dead and he scared everyone away.

You ever see the show Everybody Loves Raymond? You know how Marie is? She thinks she's doing right but is in fact pissing everyone off? That's how this guy is. Nobody cares about pseudo-race war shit like this unless it's funny. Funny makes everything right. Prove me wrong on that one and you'll just end up being funny. This guy blows your average Bible humper away. He is actually IN LOVE with the Bible. He sticks his tongue into it and turns the pages with his bloody vagina. There is proof right on the site and even some pictures of him doing so. I could go on and on about how much I don't like this site or overly religious people but i think it's due time for u to git-r-done am i rite guys? ur all so kooky LL!

"Jacob said, 'I have seen God face to face, and my life is preserved.'" (Genesis 32:30)
"No man hath seen God at any time." (John 1:18)

I don't really feel like writing anything ever so I'm getting out of it by posting stupid pictures and one liners.

- Awful Xanga of the Week

apreci8_1337hax0r (thanks me) - Like people who call themselves "random"? Neither do I! Not only does this "l337haxor" have the web design esthetics of Ray Charles, he writes almost exactly like that 40 year old lady that runs a column in your local newspaper. A lot of people take to that style and I figure he can have those people. That's only his regular posts. He has this "protected list" which I assume is the same crap only more personal. Whatever. After reading a bunch of the posts, I will also end one of my articles with a question:

Who gives a damn?

P.S. Oh you rapscallion tricksters!

PENNSYLVANIA WHUT! EAST COAST NEGRO!

WOW THE STEELERS WON I CAN'T BELIEVE IT LUCKILY EIGHTY WEBLOGS TOLD ME GEE WHIZ I'M OUT OF IT WHAT WAS THAT WHY YES I HAVE IN FACT READ EXACTLY EIGHTY WEBLOGS

- Awful Xanga of the Week

leonneon333 (thanks Featured) - REGIONALS REGIONALS REGIONALS REGIONALS REGIONALS REGIONALS REGIONALS REGIONALS REGIONALS REGIONALS REGIONALS REGIONALS REGIONALS REGIONALS REGIONALS (x 1,000)

Why hello there good person, how are you today? Did you come to take a gander at the glorious path that I have paved over the years? Because man, this thing is all crooked and everything with like patches of grass all over the place. Someone should probably get a professional writer in here.

Today's article will be solely about the "sport" of pro wrestling. As a child, I used to elbow drop off of couches onto the ground and make loud banging noises throughout the house trying to imitate "Macho Man" Randy Savage. Since I have an attraction to violent and loud noises this pleased me greatly. When my friends would crash at my house, they'd be on the floor sleeping until the darkness of afternoon so I'd wake them up with a gloriously wrong leg drop to their windpipes. Those idiots deserved it anyway.

I got out of pro wrestling around the time ECW died. Since that kind of crap isn't on TV anymore I watch UFC. UFC is less embarrassing to admit to watching and not to mention manlier. I still retain knowledge of some moves which brings me to today's article. Time to tell you about the greatest wrestling moves to ever bust out of the late 80's - early 90's.

- Awful Xanga of the Week

Sailor_Scout_Master (thanks me) - Now that you've lost all respect for me after just revealing my past (which in case I don't care), let us all relax in the soothing aura of these three words: SAILOR MOON PORN. I like looking at the moon as much as porn but not when there are sailors there! GET IT? GET MY JOKES? I GUESS IF YOU ARE WHAT YOU EAT SOMEONE HAS BEEN EATING A FEW SILLY GEESE LATELY LOLROFL

EXTENSIVE LIST OF THINGS I ENJOY READING ON XANGA.COM:

- Awful Xanga of the Week

zemoxmomz (thanks sknaht)
- Apparently her "expertise" and "interests" are non other than
herself. This is because those two columns are filled in with nothing
but her own stupid face. To top it off, this creepy video is slammed
onto her site:

- Search Terms of the Month

• "awful"
• Uncircumcised
• WORCRAFT
• thousands of xanga quizzes
• make ur own tags graffiti
• small animated gifs xanga
• king you
• male/malebondage
• dog shit
• geocities chub bill
• spray tags
• xanga, meta tags
• world of worcraft porn
• beatoff moms
• sad king
• animals nickleback preview
• i am teh dumb
• HO GRAPHICS FOR XANGA
• my tag team
• fuck friend
• FUCK YOU
• fuck you
• Gary Glitter you belong to me lyrics
• glitter graphics, oranges
• xanga quizzes
• xanga
• taco bell "taco sunday"
• cut myself
• Git-R-Done
• Git - R - Done
• kenny
• saw movie
• glitter bondage graphics
• animated glitter gifs xanga
• malebondage
• uncircucised porn
• Chalupa Pepperjack sauce
• ONLYarShWeeEE

After writing a thing about how I would visit the White house, I have earned the status of "crazy kooky strange denis leary jokes shutup faggot writer" in the eyes of the Internet. Oh Internet, you are like a mother to me. Pointing me in the right direction.

NOTE TO THE INTERNET (more like int-nerd-net lol roflmao lolowned roflmaowned=all nerds right now)

Dear Internet,

WHATS UP PAL. HEY REMEMBER WHEN YOU WERE BORN AND I WAS BORN ALSO. I REMEMBER MY BIRTH THROUGH THE CANALS AS YOU REMEMBER YOUR BIRTH THROUGH THE CANALS OF OUR PYSCHE. GET HOW I COMPARED THOSE TWO THINGS WITH EASE I AM LIKE SHAKESPEARE CUZ LYKE S-PEARE WAS A GOOD WRITER AND GOOD WRITERS ARE LIKE ME BUT I AM BETTER THAN THEM NO SERIOUSLY GUYS WHUTS UP YOU FRONTING ON MY STYLE WHOA I SOUND LIKE CARLTON FROM FRESH PRINCE OF BEL AIRE DUDE THIS SHIT IS LIKE BANANAS B-A-F-F-A-F-F-A SOME SONG ABOUT FRUIT WHO LISTENS TO THAT A BUNCH OF FRUITS (I MEAN FAGS)?????? HUH ANSWER ME OIC HOW IT IS BY THE WAY DOES A MOOSE GO "MOOSE" WHEN ITS MATING SEASON WELL GUYS DOES IT NO SRSLYGUY TELL ME BY WENSDAI I HAVE A RESARCH PAPER DUE CMON PPL

Your friend,
Kenneth Rules, Esq. Phd. Ddr. Nfl. Wwf.

- Awful Xanga of the Week

Non_Featured_Content (thanks Angry Xangans) - Imagine the shittyness of a "Web Award" given by some twelve year old's Geocities.com site and magnify that by a million. BOOM! Non-Featured Content Xanga Site! Here we have a bunch of angry assholes fed up with the Featured Section of Xanga and they want to take over for some reason. Welp, we all have goals in life. There's probably something there about free speech and a bunch of boring crap some dude on CNN probably covered like seven thousand times. Whoa, Non_Featured_Content! Yeah man! Whoa man, fight the good fight! Fight the system man! It's pretty much a site full of cookie grubbing hippies in an ever growing circle jerk of eprops. I hate this and everyone in the world for that matter. I wish a meteorite would slam into the Earth and peel the crust like an orange! Not one of those small oranges either. Like the big ones with black mold on them.

Today I will go to the United States of America's key government buildings and blow them up with Semtex. Then I'll whale as many women and children in the face as possible with the butt of my sniper rifle (which will be used later to assassinate the President George W. Bush II: Revenge of Bush). Then I will get in my blue ass piece of shit 1993 Pontiac Grand AM SE with three blue hubcaps and swerve around into as many crippled assholes as possible. After crashing my car into a pack of little kids on a field trip, I will take out my Winchester Model 1887/Model 1901 Shotgun and start blasting my way through the White House. That's after I release the most toxic chemicals known to man in the waterways and leak poisonous gas from my ass so deadly that the entire city turns brown and dies like five times in a row. Once the President George W. Bush II: Revenge is dead and his head looks like a pile of hamburger I'll disembowel his children and spread their parts across Pennsylvania avenue in honor of my fellow Pennsylvanians. After being arrested and taken to court I'll just plead insanity! It was just some cRaZy voices in my head all along by golly gee whiz! I'll then go home and like watch UFC or something. That's awesome.

HEY FEDERAL BUREAU OF INVESTIGATION I HOPE YOU ARE READING THIS COME BY MY HOUSE TODAY I WILL BE WAITING HERE IS MY PHONE NUMBER LOOK IT UP ON GOOGLE IF YOU WANT FOR REAL MAN DUDE BRO DUDE MAN BRO DAWG MAN ALSO UNDERNEATH THE NUMBER (WHICH IS MINE) I HAVE DRAWN A DIAGRAM OF WHAT I WILL DO SO YOU KNOW WHERE I AM

717-361-8677

RING RING.

- Awful Xanga of the Week

Miss_Hemme (thanks Schristian) - The only thing more pathetic than roleplaying the part of a celebrity with a weblog is roleplaying the part of a celebrity who is a woman's wrestler. My top hat goes off to you, Hero of Internet!

Hello. Welcome to the Internet you jerks. I've been busy trying to put together a script for a movie I'm making based on all the dumb shit my friends and I have written over the years. This is the reason why I'm not really writing any new adventures or rants about how I hate olives or Awful Xanga of the Week.

So you have something to read, I'm giving you an excerpt from the script so far. I've never really written a script so the movie will probably suck. The closest thing I've written that resembled a script was about gay medieval knights. If you have any suggestions, feel free to go fuck yourself.

SCENE 3: ROAD

There are some shots of them leaving the area really fast as the driver

is pissed. We can see them still arguing in the car as they pull away. Scene

moves into car after a shot of the vehicle going past the camera. They are

approaching a red light fast. The passenger starts flipping out.


   PASSENGER

 Whoa man! WHOA! Slow down the car man, it's a red light!


   DRIVER

 I ain't stoppin' for no Blood-ass red light nigga!

 Didn't ya'll knows dat I's a straight CRIP?


   PASSENGER

 WHAT?! STOP MAN! I'M SERIOUS! THIS SHIT ISN'T FUNNY MAN!

 (STARTS POUTING)


   DRIVER

 I know it's not funny, nigga! You new crib finna be the

 intersection in a moment cuz I bustin' on through son!

 FALMOUTH, PENNSYLVANIA CRIPS UP IN DIS SHIT! FO LYFE BRA!


 [ DRIVER SLOWS DOWN FOR LIGHT ]


   DRIVER

 (ENUNCIATING EVERY WORD) Just kidding, my good man. I bet you

 thought that I, the driver of the vehicle, was going to crash

 into the forthcoming vehicles drawing near this intersection

 in question at an unimaginable velocity. But since I'm such a

 stupefying card, an absolutely awe-inspiring trickster I was able

 to hornswoggle you into thinking your expiration was here and now.

 That your demise was taking place in this very conveyance for which

 we are using to commute to our next destination. I assure you that

 you can expect more jokes like these in the future.


   PASSENGER

 (BREATHING HARD) Oh man, that was crazy. You really had me going 
 there man. Like really crazy and kooky crazy shit man. Like, WHOA man.


 [ FADE OUT ON SHOT OF VEHICLE OUTSIDE ]

The tradition of Festivus begins with the airing of grievances. I got a lot of problems with you people!

- Awful Xanga of the Week

santaclause (thanks Jesus) - Ho ho ho! I'm on the INTERNET! This is how I spend my Christmas vacation folks. Seriously.

- Search Terms of the Month

A lot of people come to this site via a search engine. The following terms were used to get here this month.

• bill later porn website
• brian peppers or danielle
• website for small penis,is it normal,doctor please answer
• random collections of animated gifs bitch
• cock
• uncircumcised site:xanga.com
• i'm uncircucised
• sub malebondage
• male bondage site
• awesome insults
• taco bell glitter graphics

- Awful Xanga of the Week

reality_asylum (thanks INVENTOR OF EVERYTHING ME ME ME) - Laura here "tagged" me and expected me to do something about it. Well, I did! I stopped the madness right here! If you don't know what this whole tagging business is it's when you smell like a lobster like real bad times ten and try to pass the stink onto someone else. Guess what Laura (more like Vis-ura)? I can't do it because I have a fear of tags! ALL TAGS. Name tags, the game tag, Tag body spray, tag-boards, meta-tags, tag browsers, tag team wrestling, tag clouds, laser tag, display tags, tag analyzers, freeze tag, der tag, the Blazer Tag Adventure Center, tag formats, template tags, graffiti tags, RFID tags, rev tags, dog tags, luggage tags, legal tags, smart tags, dumb tags, jerk tags

It is known throughout the entire universe that the Internet is a vast heap of garbage with like phone lines and cables shooting out of it like tentacles. One of the giant cables leads back to the source (called The World Wide Web Consortium) which is run by teenage girls with blogging sites. What's a blog you ask? Think of a regular journal but with poop stains all over it. The stains are crusting up the pages and some of it is discolored. In fact, there are different spatters of feces from several disgusting animals. Animals like horseshoe crabs, monkeys, and Carrot Top.

The point of all this is to point out the point of what my point is being. Albeit points will point out other points. Albeit is a word that nobody should use - EVER. It's so dumb and makes you sound like a jackass.

"Hey Gary, we will have those quarterly reports by Friday ready to go albeit it sucks."
"Albeit my cock with a giant hook and you can drink the blood dripping from it."

Anyway, the advanced graphic I created with my crazy mad skillz isn't there for nothing. I will go about to create an Internet quiz so I can be cool like all the kids. The reason so many kids write Internet quizzes and people devote their lives to compiling them all together into vast websites is because they need to fill a void. This void is where originality used to be and we all know that writing on the Internet is a constant struggle for originality. I mean, right now there are thousands of other idiots writing in similar situations on their geocities.com style websites ripping me off and I don't even know it! What's up with these jerks? What are they? Stupid jerks? I'm pretty sure the FBI is reading this right now because it's so awesome that they need to keep it under a watchful eye. Whatever.

This quiz could work anywhere outside of the Internet. You should probably print this out and leave it in the bathroom stall at your local police department or whatever health clinic you're currently staying at with Internet access.

• What is your name?
• What is your REAL name?
• Where do you live?
• If you had a choice between getting rid of your privates or going blind, which would you choose?
• Don't you just hate pompous assholes who buy $1.00 items with a 20 dollar bill?
• To top it all off, these jerks come in the next day and ask how much it is - like it matters anyway when you're paying for it with a 20 dollar bill! I mean, what's up with that?
• I _____ like to _____ in your _____ all _____ and _____ with _____.
• If you're so smart, how come you're reading this?
• Seriously, people are dumb for making these. It's kind of funny that I'm saying that while making one. Actually, it's not funny at all. When someone says "it's kind of funny" I expect something to be funny. Instead I'm always disappointed with boring information that I don't care about. Shutup already! I mean, what's your big deal?
• BILL COSBY?
• COMEDY STYLE SENTENCES?
• What's going on here?
• Whoa, did you hear that one story where some bi-polar guy ran out of an airplane screaming that he had a bomb and then got shot a million times as he was running out of the plane? That was awesome. He probably had like a million bullet wounds and his spine looks like swiss cheese I bet.
• Why is Nickleback still around?
• Who listens to Nickleback?
• What's the deal with Nickleback?
• Can somebody stop Nickleback already?
• Hey Kenny, stop _____ in my _____! It's dumb!
• Because if you take this quiz you're a communist.

I think that has gone on for long enough. I guess I should probably be a teacher or something because I give out such great quizzes. Let me go apply for a job at Harvard. Yep, I'm in. Just like when I went for the job at the dictionary awhile back. It's just that simple. I don't see why you couldn't get in. OH WAIT BECAUSE YOU'RE THE ELITE SCUM OF THE EARTH LIKE THE LEADER OF SCUM THE SCUM HITLER. Goodbye.

- Awful Xanga of the Week

ONLYarShWeeEE (thanks Featured Content) - Hey kids! She's studying to be a MODEL and a SINGER! Oh man, she'd better hit them books! What does she look like? Well, fine citizen, you can just look at one of many (thousands maybe) pictures she posted of herself across the site! It's like looking at her in 3D as some of them are the same only her head is tilted slightly to the left three degrees or she's making another "koOkY" face! WHAT WILL SHE THINK OF NEXT? A RIGHT CLICK SCRIPT OR PRODUCTIONZ COMPANY?! Tune in next week for the final episode.

Today was an excellent day. I know this because some guy at the Taco Bell said so. I just squashed a rabbit under my car at about 50 MPH. I love running over small animals. They make great thumping noises and I get a chubby whenever it happens. If I hit a deer I'll probably rip the zipper growing such a huge bone. Do you feel such urges as this? I'm sure it's normal for everyone to get horny during violence. When watching Last Action Hero I was playing with myself the whole time. I could've probably balanced a brick on my "flesh wound". A little Last Action Hero humor for you there. That movie was awesome. Especially when they like sat in the alleyway and there was fog. Fog gives me a chub. That's why I watch zombie movies. There's always fog and not to mention violence. I grow a chub so huge that it looks like a mons pubis in my pants. I can't get the good wood to grow straight out. It grows on the sides only.

I want to unnecessarily segue into a conversation about singer Gary Glitter. What's up with this guy? I mean, could he be any more of a hero to me? 100% awesome/cool in my book. I mean, all he did was have passionate sex with eight year old kids and then flee the country. He was a celebrity for goodness sakes! He was rollin' in the top hits! Hits such as:

• Doing Alright With The Boys
• Heartbreaking Blue Eyed Boy
• What Your Mama Don't See
• Haven't I Seen You Somewhere Before?
• I Dare You To Lay One On Me
• Love Comes
• A Little Boogie Woogie
• Papa Oom Mow Mow
• Hello, Hello I'm Back Again (Again!)
• You Belong To Me
• When I'm On, I'm On
• Remember Me This Way
• It Takes All Night Long
• Love Like You and Me
• Oh Yes! You're Beautiful
• Do You Wanna Touch Me? (Oh Yeah)
• Baby Please Don't Go
• Oh, What A Fool I Have Been

That was pretty clever what I just did there. I should work at like MAD magazine or write for a FOX show. I should be on FOX. Anyway, what was I talking about? Oh yes, how jurassic my penis gets on the sides when I run over alive things in my Deathell car. I've got blue balls right now from not busting a load to the movie Dead Alive. Like when all the zombies are getting chopped up by the lawnmower blades. That movie is awesome. I should make a follow up movie where the zombies turn back into humans and lead normal, boring lives. They get successful jobs and apologize to everyone they've harmed and become monks. As monks, they'll travel the country converting other people into monks and nobody will ever say anything ever. It'll be the worst movie ever made and I'll write my name in huge capitalized letters on top of it just so people know that I'm the director. That's the kind of movie I would direct. I want to be a director who hangs himself because of a huge failure. Then my gravestone will say "wiped myself off, I'm dead" in honor of my favorite line ever from the movie Rush Hour.

Man, that was some old school Kenny right there.

- Awful Xanga of the Week

http://www.xanga.com/groups/group.aspx?id=412880 (thanks me) - This week I'm featuring an entire blogring because I didn't know which one to choose frankly. Besides, it's Saturday and I've got a lot of important things to do like sit on my ass and sleep and not work and drink chocolate milk.

Earlier today I was at the gas station pumping up my death/hell car full of super-premium-mega-ultra octane (which is kept in the back just for me) when this little kid comes up next to my car and just starts smokin' a bowl. I'm like "hey kid, shutup!" and then he's all like "your mom should shutup" and then nothing happened because it was stupid. I go to pay for my gas and and this stupid kid is still there just sitting on the roof of my car. Already pissed off because I spent exactly $10.02 in gas and I have 98 cents in my pocket, I start hucking quarters at his face essentially impaling him forever. He will go to school and the other kids will call him Coin Face and his popularity will go down the drain.

I originally had planned to stretch out that first paragraph into several bigger ones and go elbow deep into the anus of that subject. But the rear of my mind squeezed up and ripped off my thought process at the pit of my elbow leaving me with a bloody stump. In different terms: the ass of my idea tore off my mind's arm when it clenched it's o-ring with such an immense pressure that not even light could escape. It's kind of like what happens when you spelunk an enormous female bodybuilder. Her muscles crush your Johnson and you're left writhing on the floor in a puddle of your own urine. That stupid rippling whore then pins you down with her weights and leaves with your wallet! You go up to the hotel manager to call the police but he just laughs in your face! Dammit!

I'm going to cop out this week by doing yet another list about just some random video games because I can't think of stories about me meeting stupid jerks in grocery stores everyday.

Donkey Kong Nobody on the face of the Earth has gotten past like the fifth level of the original Donkey Kong. I mean, with no passwords or anything it's pretty much impossible to sit there without throwing the controller against the wall after trying to jump over barrels. When someone does get amazingly far in it, the information is so astounding that it's printed in gaming magazines. At least it was up until nobody really cared (which was around 1982). How many levels are there anyway? Like a trillion? I think there are exactly a trillion levels to try and beat. I now hate barrels in real life and when someone even says the word "barrel" in front of me I flip out and punch the wall and stuff.
California Games The footbag event is cool. The BMX part was awesome. The skating is kind of lame as was the surfing part. The flying disk event you can forget about and don't even get me started on the impossibleness of the half-pipe event. I think the only person to have ever beaten this game all the way through was one of the guys who helped program it. Nobody has beaten it. Besides you when you're watching beastiality porn. Man, I used to beat off to the cover of the game because that chick had some hot legs. For serious. I'm not even kidding. Try playing another Epyx game like Mission: Impossible (which is coincidentally impossible to beat). This is yet another game I hate because I can't beat it. More like I beat off to pictures of YOUR MOM when you're not looking. Aw hell, you can look if you really want to.
Golgo 13: The Mafat Conspiracy Oh man, if you thought the side scrolling part was annoying, try entering a building. It's like being a rat in a maze. Once you enter you'll never find your way out and therefore never beat the game. So far on this list I'm telling you about games I can't beat. I am holding a grudge against these games and will most likely look up the friends and families of the people responsible for them and cut them up into little pieces. I will store their mutilated corpses in a freezer so later on, if I get hungry, I can eat the remains and then shit them out later all over the very games they helped create. It's right and just in my book.
Flashback What the heck, who designed this crap? I remember buying this game when I was little. It had some awesome graphics for its time but it was also awesomely impossible to control your dude. When you'd pick up an item it'd make a crazy sound. So when I was at school I'd make that crazy sound with my mouth when I picked up stuff and everyone looked at me funny. Probably because they were jealous that they didn't know of such a cool sound. Then my friend Luis started doing it and everyone was so pumped that their butts farted blood. Let us have a listen: FlashbackPickupStuffSound.mp3
Triple H WHOA GET IT? BECAUSE HE'S "THE GAME" AND YOU CAN'T BEAT HIM! Man, I've got more pro wrestling jokes where that came from. HULK HOGAN ONES. Q: What do you get when you cross two Hulk Hogans? A: A DECAPITATED HEAD BECAUSE THEY BOTH LEG DROPPED YOU ON BOTH SIDES OF YOUR NECK (IN MID AIR)! That was a good one. I have to write that down in the bathroom stall. Don't watch pro wrestling folks. Watch the UFC. Some dude the other time got elbowed in the face. That was awesome. Then they replayed it in slow motion a hundred times.

- Awful Xanga of the Week

MauiBuilt16 (Thanks Andy, You Idiot) - There are pictures of cool/awesome vehicles everywhere! Super keen! To top that off, there are gems like this:

Much trouble i donno wuts going on anymore wut im doin i dont think i just do.....Things are gettin outa controll im gettin outa controll and i dont think im gonna be here much longer start planin the funeral.......doctor said i prob hav brain damage but i donno i geuss thats better than being dead

You hear that folks? He has BrAiN DaMaGe! This is awesome because it is true. In fact, I think almost all of you have brain damage in one way or another. To top it off, he's going to DIE! Oh, if I was dying the first thing I'd do is TELL THE INTERNET! That way people could leave sad smiley faces and feel bad for me because I have no real life friends. Guess what kid, there's an old saying - the punchline of life is DEATH! You're nothing but one huge joke!

I'm killing myself and I'm shutting my site down. I'll post pictures of Linkin Park and then post my own lyrics. In fact, here is some right now to get the ball rolling:

The room is dark, dark like their souls of darkness
I lament and lament some more
Shapes
The sandwich of my life is filled with mayonaisse
Carborator
CRAWLING IN MY SKIN THESE WOUNDS THEY WILL NOT HEAL
WUT IZ THE MARTIX?

© Kenni Sepetea 20o5

Man, that was deep. About as deep as the highest mountain. He's pretty much on this path right now.

Alright, I'm outta here. : - (

According to recent articles on names from big time newspapers and magazines, everyone has a stupid name but me. My name, Kenny, is derived from a KING who ruled over Scotland with an iron fist. He probably had this name because of his ability to fly and shoot chocolate pudding from his eyes. It's kind of weird because chocolate pudding wasn't invented until hundreds of years later by Bill Cosby of the hit tv show of the same name minus the Bill. They didn't leave in his first name because Bill is latin for failure. No first name, no failure. His money rolled in like so many waves of Jello Pudding.

Ok, enough of this history lesson. Let me tell you about your names.

Rick
If you have this name you were probably born in like the 1930's because nobody has this name anymore. If this is your name your parents probably gave it to you as a joke so you'd better ask them if it was a joke.

Luis
Guys named Luis are usually obsessed with stupid things like Star Wars or Lowes Improving Home Improvement ™. They are usually Spanish and have greasy looking hair or a crustache. They also let dogs lick them on the lips and they hug dogs. What's up with the dogs? Just lose the dogs already!

Chad
Parents usually name their kids Chad if they are weak like a stupid weak little girl, a handful of egg salad, or paper. Coincidentally, Chad is also a term for the small pieces of paper produced in punching paper tape or data cards. A Chad will distinguish himself by usually wearing glasses or having blonde hair. They do this on purpose to piss you off because of how stupid it looks. Man, it's so stupid. Why doesn't somebody tell them just how stupid they are?

Bill
You're destined to be fat, bald, and living in one of those living room/kitchen economy apartment deals. You also wear hideous pants. Seriously. A Bill will usually have some dumb catchphrase they use all the time that pisses everyone off. Like "Easy there buddy" or "stop staring at my game leg, Kenny".

Steve
Guys named Steve are just really annoying. Unless you're a black Steve. Black Steve's are awesome/cool in my book.

Chris
Chris is a guy who is so white and uncultured that the KKK is jealous. He likes sportfishin', huntin', and watching the Blue Collar Comedy tour. Occasionally Chris may get a little wild so he tells a funny joke he heard at Church that Tuesday. Like "why is six afraid of seven - because of nine eleven and the A-rabs taking our jobs!" or however that joke goes. If you don't fit this description of a true Chris, you're probably a wigger.

Michelle
Shelly's are lanky white chicks who date ten foot tall big dudes with one syllable names and no equilibrium whatsoever. Michelle's also have bad taste in television and usually believe in ghosts and even go out to graveyards to look for ghosts. That is so gay. You should tell them that it is gay. Actually, tell them that there is a ghost in your pants. They'll believe you and take a look because of how stupid and gullible they are.

Danielle
Danielle is extreme in her ways. Like she's either good looking or really, really ugly. She never talks or she never shuts up. She's really skinny or hideously fat. She farts all the time or holds it in and damages her organs therefore causing gas to build up and eventually she either explodes or burps it up later. I remember one time where I burped and it smelled really bad like vomit or something. Danielle's do this all the time. Next time you see a Danielle, ask her to burp in your face.

Heather
If you have this name it means you don't get awesome jokes and you think everyone but you is insane. Like you're so frigg'n mature and together. Oh yeah? Well, if I'm so insane, then how come you are the one who is INSANE? Answer me that, Mrs. INSANE. Whoa, I just implied that you're married to Mr. INSANE who happens to have the last name INSANE. So technically you are INSANE even if you don't want to be! There is no escaping or denying your iNSaNitY!

Mitch
Every Mitch on the planet plays bass.

David
Every David on the planet seems like they're sweating all the time. They're dripping all over the place and causing pedestrians to slip on the pools of sweat on the floor. Here's an idea Dave, put some pipes on your pits to make a water fountain because like that's how much water is coming out of those things.

Thom
Thom? Don't you mean TOM? Get your act together you bag of spit. If I was named Thom I would probably tear off my face so I could permanently wear a flesh-colored mask. I would change my name to Dr. Ooshbag and live in a cave of some sort.

I don't feel like doing anymore right now so here is a list of cool names:

Kenny
This name is so awesome that stuff explodes and gets wrecked when we walk near it. Usually when we touch stuff it becomes much, much better at functioning and ever cures cancer (all types). We also get to hear great jokes like "whoa, who killed you Kenny?" and "where's Barbie at?". IT'S JUST SO GREAT! YOU DON'T EVEN WANT TO KNOW!

Lenny
Lenny's are not at all like Kenny's but they're just as cool.

Jenny
Oh Jenny, I would have a one night stand with you and then dump you the next morning because I couldn't handle just how awesome you really are.

Shenny
Oh Shenny, let me hug you for a little too long and then take you to my humble abode, where I shall sing the songs that touch and touch and touch the heartstrings. Did I mention that they touch stuff real good?

Welp, that about wraps this crap up. Get outta here.

- Awful Xanga of the Week

wannafukme (thanks Bad Luck) - NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!! Dammit Xanga! What is with you people? If you're a dude you shouldn't look at this. Trust me on this one.

I don't have an awesome adventure for you this week because of Halloween and its importance to guys like me. Instead, here are some great comments I found around Xanga when I nominated the entire website as the Awful Xanga of the Week.

"Wow. It seems that John Q Asshole nominated moi for awful xanga of the week. 'cept the idiot didn't link to me right. It just pops up to his site again. Oh well. I wouldn't let him to get to you. he's obviously a moron"
- MorningAngel

"Dude. I don't know if it was me you were nominating for awful xanga of the week, but if it was, do you think you could use your brains and link to the right site? thanks."
- MorningAngel

"BTW guys.. that JohnQNormal' awful xanga of the week' thing? It's a script. I got to thinking and signed in under my private xanga and sure enough.. that one came up as "awful xanga of the week" too. He must reaaaaally be bored doing nothing but write xanga scripts all day trying to tick people off. Bah. What a loser."
- MaryEliz

"I was so duped by the awful xanga of the week thing - people like that make me sad - I think it's partly because they honestly think that they are funny, and we all care about their opinions."
- a_ho

"He must have a script or something, because it pops in whatever name I log in with. Poor kid! He clearly hasn't had the kind of nurturing, loving, caring mother that YOU are."
- Child_of_Tree

"Haha, insult me, yet don't tell me why I'm a douche. What a genius you are, can't even work the links."
- Hall_of_the_Slain

"wtf did the xanga team have to do with shit. I is confused."
- WYRMFaery

"You're just mad, 'cause I'm prettier than you. By the way, your opinion really matters to me."
- sweety421

"Nigga if I was you, I'd run my mouf off to my face, cuz nigga, otherwise, you is finna get 'touched'. dis XB's shit aint a game you bitch."
- chris_pate

"What the fuck? What did I do to you? Come on, paranoidwriter already milked the NWP parody lake dry. And what did the Xanga Team have to do with this?"
- newwavephantom

"aww.. i love you too!! and your vocabulary.... woah... sets me on fire!"
- Shadows_of_Sadness

"Fuck you, you piece of shit.. what are you mad bc no one will acknowledge you.. you are a fucking low life mother fucker who deserves to rot in hell... do you really think anyone gives a fuck about what you think.. no bc we really dont... we post what the fuck we want.. and we really dont give a fuck what you choose to write or post about.. Give the fuck up already.. We are the ones who choose to put that site up.. its for us.. no one else US.. get the fuck over it.. keep to yourself you stupid son of a bitch.. We dont give a fuck what you think.. give it up already later"
- D_E_A_D2003

"I'm pissed. i came across a website and did I get a disturbing wakeup call. on this kids site he posted on the 14th that my site was the "awful xanga of the week" I was about to scream. I read all 52 comments and some of those people where defending me. I'm glad they liked my site but how the heck did they get my site. i don't no if it was someone in lacaster but I'm gonna find out."
- dancingdew2

In other news, you're all a bunch of subhuman gullible retards! You greenhorn buttholes. What a bunch of buttholes. I'd also like to thank one of my real life friends Andy Weitzel for being a scum sucking bag of filth.

Your friend,
Kenny

I went to the local Turkey Hill Minute Market today to purchase some of their famous Iced Tea. All of a sudden a Mexican individual comes up and tries to start a feud over a simple misunderstanding! I say, my good man! What a larf! This is the 1800's!

"Eh mayne! You checkin' out my woman?"
"Why yes, yes I was."
"You'd better watch it holmes. I catch you lookin' at her again and you can kiss your ass goodbye."
"Not only was I looking at her but last night I brought her flowers while you were away and even used her face as a toilet."
"AWW YOU WANT TO DIE ESSE?! IS THAT IT?! IS THAT WHAT YOU WOULD LIKE AS YOUR FINAL WISH?! TO DIE NEXT TO THIS MAGAZINE RACK IN A POOL OF YOUR OWN BLOOD?!!
"C'mon Rico! Dis fat pig ain't tellin' the truth!"
"Yeah Rico. Who you gonna believe, me or her?"
"Don't be playin' mind games with me robe a tu novio! I KICK YOUR ASS SO HARD YOUR GRANDMOTHER WILL WEEP IN PAIN!"
"Whoa, I can also speak Spanish. Check it out: Tener los cojones morados!"
"Let's get out of here Rico. Dis guy smells like Tacos. Take a shower you little bitch."
"Oh yeah? Well, it's glandular! AND I LIKE CHEESE! WHY ARE YOU WALKING AWAY FROM ME? I HAVE LOTS OF IMPORTANT STUFF TO SAY! Hey cashier, did you know that the lifespan of a tastebud is only ten days? I mean, you literally have tons of dead tastebuds in your mouth all the time! Isn't that great?"

The cashier then kicked me out for being a "public disturbance". What-EVER! More like he's a PUBIC DISTURBANCE!!! GET IT?!! LIKE CRABS OR OILY DISCHARGE!!! HI-O!!! I'll be here all night folks.

- Awful Xanga of the Week

John_Q_Normal (thanks TheXangaTeam) - This is like the douchiest douche that ever douched. What a douche.

Hey kids, it still works.

Today I'm going to talk about nothing and get away with it. You could argue that this happens all the time but I'm going to have to call you out on that. You see, you're a big jerkbag and everyone hates you so your argument holds no weight. Unlike your mother who holds the word record for weight. I will raise my fist in victory and even do an arm pump because of that joke. Don't think that I'm not allowed to make a YOUR MOM joke because I totally am. The reason being is because of the "so old, it's new" rule which is in effect as of now. This sentence which I am reading now marks the end of the paragraph. I will now move onto the next paragraph. I am speaking to myself in my mind and reading an article.

Right now I am talking about nothing and will continue to do so. This technique is difficult to master and only a trained professional can do so. To do so is to do so so I will continue to do so. I guess I'll talk about pigs now. Pigs are really dumb animals. They're always crapping and constantly "pigging out". HAHAHA! If I were any funnier you'd probably bust a vein in your head from laughing. I am literally on fire right now! Ok, that isn't in a literal sense, so don't call the fire police or anything. Fire police? More like fire PIGS! GET IT? Oh me, I'm the funniest guy I know. The pig is not to be confused with the hog. Really. Don't confuse them or IT'LL BE HELL TO PAY.

Speaking of Hell, let's talk about the Internet. If the Internet were a conversation between two old dudes, I bet it would go something like this:

"What time is it?"
"Because."
"Oh well."
"Hello friend."
"Asians."

What bothers me about the Internet is that anyone can use it and trash it up with their idiotic banter. These sub-human buckets of pond scum take up MY INTERNET droning on and on about stupid and boring subjects like what they ate for breakfast and pigs. What a bunch of milksucking hippie assbags. I tell you what, if I ever catch that asshole that somehow hacked into my computer box and bookmarked the site that got me fired, www.malebondage.com, I'll wrap my fingers around his stupid throat and squeeze until he squeals like young boy wearing leather (preferably black leather with a crotch hole).

That last paragraph about wraps up this issue of this thing. Always remember to eat your vegetables and do right for your fellow man.

- Awful Xanga of the Week

Crawling_Chaos_V2 (thanks newwavephantom) - You know, there are a lot of freaks on the Internet that run websites dedicated to grossing people out. The difference between guys like that (Stile from Stile Project for example) and this idiot is that they are good at it. This moron just posts some story from some sexually pathetic dickhole and thinks it's the next best thing since sliced bread. What's bothersome is that our friend Mr. Choas here actually searches the Internet for this material and decided that this particular story was his favorite. I guess this douche thinks he's being revolutionary by defending his right to post crap like this. He's pissing everyone off and getting off on it. It's pissing me off on a whole different level too. Like when the killer John Doe in the movie SE7EN wanted Detective Mills to shoot him. On one hand you wanted the killer to die but on the other hand death is what the killer wanted. So like I was yelling "DON'T SHOOT HIM YOU FRICKIN' MORON!!!" but he didn't hear me and shot him anyway. That still pisses me off to this day. What?

"But without further ado, here is another fantastic story by Alocer Loki, enjoy."

If you wanna read stupid shit like this, go ahead. I mean dude, you make grandma proud.

There comes a time in every young man's life when he picks up a
video game controller and never looks back. This time is called
"gamerty" which is a clever word I just made up combining the words
"puberty" and "games". Don't try to make up words like that on your own
because your brain might explode (or even implode) from trying to
process and combine two different words. Luckily, my brain has the
processing power of two super computers so, for me, it's a walk in the
park. Not the park on Foxbury Drive though because one time I saw a bum
take a dump in the fountain. Just remember, in order to keep your head
from exploding just jot down this math problem: ME x TWO WORDS
COMBINATION SCENARIO / SCIENCE² = 100% DEATH. The head becomes dead or "corpsed". It's all simple Algebra and Olde English. I'm sure of it.

The other day my best friend was stung by a yellow jacket. The wasp
hovered around his crotch and no matter how fast my friend jogged
backwards dodging walls (unlike certain mustached Nascar drivers) the
wasp continued to hover several inches away from his wreckage.
Eventually my friend got sick of the wasp and gets punched in the face
by me. What does this have to do with video games you ask? Well, the
wasp is not unlike your inner-child who doesn't have enough money to
buy the latest and greatest gaming system. You hover around the
electronics department long enough looking really, really sad to try
and coax someone into buying the system for you out of pity. Crying,
having cancer, or being pregnant may help increase your chance of
success. Also, leaning on one foot and having a crutch helps too as it
makes it look like you have a "game" leg. If you're "playing with
power" you'll be in "control" of the situation and will eventually
"power up" and "gain a level" in confidence. Confidence is key because
eventually the object you're hovering around explodes and urine covers
your wasp wings. Your health will go down five points and will continue
to do so until you've found a cure for the poison that has inflicted
you.

Now that you've soaked in all this relevant information I've just
shared with you, I'll get to the core of this proverbial computer game
undoubtedly labeled "education". Here it is: how to be awesome at video
games.

LESSON ONE: PREPARATION

According to this guy I once stood behind, being prepared is the
first step towards preparation. If you're prepared for something before
preparing for it, you'll be all set towards being prepared. Before
playing video games YOU MUST BE prepared. I can't stress this enough.
If you've read my article about awesome insults you're already one step
ahead. Your opponent, Grandma, has years and years of experience under
her dress and you can't let that syke you out. Stay cool, calm,
collected and try to remember the extensive training you should've had
before reading this. Speaking of collected, don't collect beads of
sweat under your ass when you get nervous. This causes what some call
"swamp ass" and will hinder gameplay. The opponent, Uncle Steve, will
be stunned by your noxious butt gas but so will you. It's a lose/lose
situation so avoid it at all costs.

Clothes to Wear:
Loose and billowy. As loose as Grandma.
Play naked if your friends are comfortable with it. It may even lead to
something else. Like lots of santorum all over your sheets, if you know
what I mean.

Sound:
Having great sound set up in the room is an
important part of preparation. I mean, don't you just hate going over
to your friend Sanchez's house to play Madden Football 64
and he has a crappy one speaker television? What a cheap prick! I bet
that jerk even tries to watch my favorite show Golden Girls starring
Estelle Getty on the thing. What an idiot!

Food:
Anything that doesn't involve fruit. Salty foods are
good. Just put a block of salt-lick and a six pack on the table and
you're all set. Try to pick food that can be picked up with one hand.
Don't be a jackass and bring steak and eggs to the table because nobody
wants to use forks and knives and be constantly pausing the game and
taking bathroom breaks and spitting and chewing for hours and

LESSON TWO: PLAYING THE GAME

Like preparing, playing the game is an important part of being
awesome at video games. I mean, if you sat in front of a video game
console after all that sweaty preparing and didn't play it then what's
the point? Unless you got too tired from doing it because you're a
lumbering, overweight behemoth with cankles. I suggest going back into
hibernation so I don't have to look at your stupid face. When playing
the game, it's important to slouch. Slouching is key. Slouching has so
many advantages that it's not even funny. I won't even chuckle or
chortle at slouching. Why slouch? More like why not? You can tell I'm a
sloucher because I'm far too lazy to explain the reasons behind
slouching.

Controller:
When playing the game, make sure to hold the
controller as hard as you can. Almost crushing it. I call this the
ULTIMATE GRIP TECHNIQUE. If you begin to cut your fingers on the edges
of the controller, you know you've got an ULTIMATE GRIP. Masturbating
also helps you achieve ULTIMATE GRIP because, well, you know why. The
reason behind this technique is to ensure you don't lose the controller
during gameplay. If you've got friends like mine you know they try to
cheat by knocking the controller out of your hand. Of course my friends
are imaginary so I really knock it out of my own hand. I've got a lot
of problems.

Concentrate:
When playing the game, you ARE NOT TO LOSE
FOCUS. If you want to be a winner at video games you must give it your
all. 100% of all your vital senses must go towards the game. You hear
me?! You shouldn't be able too while playing the game. Drooling is a
good sign you're giving 100%. If you urinate right where you sit
because you're so into the game, that's a sign that you're maybe
putting too much in and need to go outside for a bit.

LESSON THREE: TALKING THE TALK

In order to be the ultimate video game player you must know how to
talk your opponent down to size while playing. Not only must you take
control of the game, but you must also take control of his mind. You
must enrage your opponent so much that they throw the controller
against the wall. If you lose a friend out of it, so what! With loss
comes gain and you've gained victory.

Phrases to Use:
"You think your so good? Well, YOU'RE NOT!"
"OH, DID YOU SEE THAT? I'M THE KING! WHERE'S MY CROWN?"
"I'm amused by the simplicity of this game. Bring me your meats and cheeses!"
"What comes after 'V' and before 'X'? A big fat 'W'!"
"I bet you wish you were me right now! BECAUSE I'M A WINNER AND YOU'RE A LOSER! GET IT?"
"If
this were the Internet you'd probably shut down your Internet weblog
because you're so sad right now and...like...FUCK YOU!"

LESSON FOUR: CELEBRATION

After you made your friend feel like the scum of the planet that he
is, continue to rub it in his face by throwing a celebration. I'm
talking about doing a little dance, jumping up and down on the couch
like an idiot or even gargling soda and making really obscene noises in
his face. Your friend will probably leave the area and never talk to
you again. Oh well, you can just sit in your room and play video games
all day. Who needs human interaction anyway?

In conclusion, this article was tl;dr.

- Awful Xanga of the Week

bL0nD3_bArBi3_19 (thanks Zeus)
- Icons? Check. Summercamp pictures? Check. Idiotic font changes?
Check. Right click script? Check. Just another one of those
dime-a-dozen bubbly preteen sites that is a nightmare to look
at. BARF.

"listen to the new My Chemical Romance & Fall Out Boy CD's, they'r rockin' it
 i love em' im reading this book, called "Gossip Girls" its hilarious, its these upper city girls who live absolutly faboulous lives, its awesome"

Great!

- Awful Xanga of the Week

shoottheturkey (thanks me) - This is a Xanga site created for a fake company called Shoot The Turkey which uses, get this, Halo 2 to create comedy sketch videos. The videos these dorks created are so mystifyingly lame that it would take scholars years of research and mathematical equations just to figure out what their head was going through when they were coming up with storylines. These videos actually cripple all kinds of record-breaking nerd barriers in such an incomprehensible way that I can't bring myself to describe it. After watching all three of these unfunny non-joke videos I feel embarrassed to be a human and wish that I was really an alien from outer space so I can be as far away from this as possible.

They blocked my ability to comment on their site because my comments were so awesome it overloaded their computers.

1. Tres Hermanos: Search for a Last Name
http://media.putfile.com/TresHermanos1

2. Train of Doom
http://media.putfile.com/trainofdoom

3. Halo School of Driving
http://media.putfile.com/Driversed139

Viva La LOUD WHISPERING.

The other day I was Blockbuster Video perusing the aisles when some dumb little stickboy comes up to me and starts going on and on and on about some action movie I should watch. I tell you what, this kid was a huge nerd. The grease just dripped off of his face in epic proportions and had a hint of lemon. His breath smelled like dog shit and rubber while his hair had a virtual smog cloud of Cheetos™. It made me want to puke! I know this because I am the five-time Oregon Smell Contest CHAMPION and I can distinguish over 50,000 different scents. My nasal cavity is equal to that of a super computer. Now, I'm talking about a super computer built for smells only. Not one of those computers used to do long division or keep a human brain alive without the body. NO! These computers were especially built to establish a connection between humans and computers THROUGH SMELL. The scientists running these computers are trained in an offshore base in Antarctica. GODDAMMIT, READ A HISTORY BOOK PEOPLE!!!!

- Awful Xanga of the Week

ShabyebyesFatos (thanks CrimsonCatalystX) - With the array of icon sites strewn around the Internet, how could one more hurt am i rite? I personally don't get the whole obsession you idiots have with these dumb blinking animated gifs saying shit like "hurt me now" and "I can speak muffin". Since I pretty much hate these things I thought that I should make some. In order to know the enemy you must think like them. I'm deep (about as deep as the highest mountain). Enjoy!

I am the best mini-golfer on (current planet dominated by humans). No lie. Sure, saying you're the number one times ten ace/champion at a game played by five-year olds isn't much. It still doesn't negate the fact that I am the greatest and best mini-golfer to have ever barely played the game. During a game, I have been known to say: "The simplicity of this game is laughable at best my good man! Sally forth your meats and cheeses!" BECAUSE I'VE NEVER BEEN DEFEATED. YOU HEAR ME?!?!?!?! I'm so good it probably transcends time and space! I don't care if you're reading this ten years from now! I could go into the future and play myself and I would STILL WIN! YOU MOTHER FUCKERS BETTER BELIEVE I AM THAT GOOD AT MINI-GOLF.

As a matter of fact, I can pretty much say that I am the undisputed, world-wide WINNER OF ALL WINS. I mean, there are lots of books and charts to prove - but that's not important. Anyone who disagrees is welcome to but you should go home and grow up as soon as possible! Like right now. I'm just going to use that as an argument from now on. You hate me? Grow up Peter Pan! You are looking so young right now, sonny! Oh, don't like mustard do ya? GROW UP LOSER - AND GET A LIFE AS WELL! YOU BASTARDS, GROW DOWN! I MEAN UP! GROWING DOWN WOULD PROBABLY BE something else I don't know.

As my not-good anti-friend once said: "YOU ARE THE INTERNET". This is true. Just check out this graphic I made further proving the point:

- Awful Xanga of the Week

xXPaper_TigersXx - Here is a summation of the site:

"Blah."

Get it? It's one big BLAH! Associates with the "HTML EXPERTS" blogring.

Today I was walking and I got tired almost instantly. I am fatigued easily because I am a slightly overweight Micronesian. Being a Micronesian means that I have dark skin and listen to island music. I also like to build straw huts using materials I find in the jungle. When I'm not hunting wild monkeys in palm trees, I'm usually found drinking coconut milk in a grass skirt with exotic flowers in my hair. Come dinner time, my family sits in a circle on the floor to eat rice, fish, lobster, bananas, and Micronesian chicken. This meal is prepared on a fire pit of stones that is covered with giant leaves. After dinner is finished, everyone gathers by the water to fish in our homemade canoes. We fish only with nets. When I buy a new piece of land I use my Yap stone money. I'm rich so the disc is like the size of a Roman coliseum.

I can buy hella dowries with that shit. You don't even know. I can carry it without it even damaging my back or arms. I am seriously this powerful. My muscles are so big that I'm pretty sure my hair has developed muscle tissue. Scientists are still looking into it and I have an appointment next week at NASA. I also have like five spines and 800 miniature toes. You see, instead of ten regular toes I have a massive collection of miniature ones (all with miniature toenails). It sort of looks like a disgusting sea-urchin down there. I also possess an array of microscopic eyeballs that cover my body in patches. I can blink and even move them left and right but I cannot see out of them because the correct nerves aren't there.

One patch that annoys me is on the edge of my mouth. I forget that it's there and accidentally pop the retinas when I wipe my mouth. Bloody egg-like mucus comes out and it won't stop for several hours. Sometimes I forget to blink the patch and it becomes hard like old cookies. That's when I wipe and trouble starts.

That's it. I pretty much just set the human race back fifty years with this. My ancestors would be proud. Welp, time to update my resume by including this story. It'll look good, trust me.

- Awful Xanga of the Week

Jack_The_Sack (thanks me) - COMING AT YOU WITH ALL THE THE FURY OF A THOUSAND WHITE HOT SUNS! Ok, it's not actually an awful site in my opinion, just underrated. Nobody knows about the Sack and his ultimate Sacktitude. Everyone should have a taste of the Sack. I can't really explain the Sack so just go there and help raise the Sack to new heights.

People much smarter than me like the things I write. Huh? I don't usually like using questions marks because they're annoying but I think this deserves one? Hey, check it out, that one was useless. If you were to read this out loud nobody would know what was going on because it's one of those "have to see it" deals and their heads would probably explode from mass quantities of confusion. Mass quantities? Who says that anymore? The last time I heard "mass quantities" was in that really old movie "CONEHEADS" with that guy Dan Akroyd where he said "MUST CONSUME MASS QUANTITIES" and they drank rotten milk to get drunk and the kids took swigs of booze at the dinner table.

No really. I don't like using question marks. Sometimes I'll reword things into statements and such just so I don't have to use them. Just ask YOUR MOM! WHOA YOU RAN RIGHT INTO THAT ONE! Even though you really didn't and I don't know what I'm talking about. Wait, I'm even NOT talking! These are words on a page! So I'm really a voice in your head! I'm totally up in your brain right now. How do you like them frigg'n apples you douche? You don't, do you? You're puking up those apples right now because they're so bad. I ruined that bushel on PURPOSE. What do I sound like to you in your head? Probably an idiot with a dumb voice. I was once told I sound like Kermit the Frog if he was a pedophile. Somebody else told me that I sound like a guy who should do movie previews because of the cadence in my speech. My friends tell me I sound like a stupid jerk.

Welp, I've got nothing else. Later I'll continue to pave this kind of path that I am paving over the rainforests is what they should do not touch electrical currents over 120,000,000 is the amount of money I have in my bank account is what you should be taking in large quantities I make beans beans the wonderful fruit of my loins is what I like to call this boy wonder woman is a pale bitch is also the name of a female dog night comma three is a terrible band together and make world peace out in the wilderness is where I will live and let die is some song by Guns and Roses are not that great smelling salts will wake you right up up down down left right left right b a select start.

 - Awful Xanga of the Week

TheUnstained (thanks DMV) - If you were blind like Ray Charles, this would be the guy to totally show you the light! I went there and learned everything I needed to know about everything! Just check out this quote from TheUnstained:

"666BEAST! Do the Catholics need glasses?"

Mr. and or Mrs. Unstained runs this site to show people "the Truth". The truth about what? How about some truth on why some people have armpit fetishes. I've been around here for awhile and have unfortunately seen my share of copy-and-paste-information sites. Sites like this remind me of those crazy people who put bumper stickers that quote the Bible all over their shitty vans and think that the people who read them are going to have a change of heart. Like we're going to change our minds about religion seeing their van parked at K-Mart. Just think of Johnny McUnstained as the "van" and "K-Mart" as the Internet. Same thing, really.

If I was the Internet, I would kill myself.

Oh, and by the way:

I invented Drakonskyr.

I was reading THE INT-AR-NET when I came across some young-gun's online journal with just a picture of a flashy car. Since I'm "with-it" I decided that I should put a picture of a car in my writing somehow to keep up with these dag-gum kids. Just look at it. It's totally going up that hill with UNRELENTING POWER. I'm virtually slobbering and violently shaking my head in disbelief over this creation of steel and this new stuff called "plastic". Not only can you drive this bad boy to the grocery store to pick up some mustard, but you can also climb the highest mountains. I bet that mountain is not even close to a store! By the rocks in the background I can tell that it's a volcano. Yeah, just by the rocks. I'm good at telling rocks. I'm like the complete authority on rock-telling. The bestest good. This CAR is so AWESOME I can't even come up with a word for it. It's a car of DEATHELL. DEATHELL because that word embodies exactly what it is - a car of 100% pure DEATH and HELL. You can't contain this beast.

Whoa, I'm really good at combining words, don't you think? I should probably write for the dictionary. Let me call them. Ok, I'm back. Yep, they said I should start tomorrow.

When you go to look at an article entitled "Piping Hot Loaves" it's time to step back and re-evaluate what you do with your time. What's even sadder is the person actually typing the article and posting it in areas that children have access to. What you don't know is that this person frequently touches himself while stomping on the bloated carcasses of dogs, getting off on the death-farts that emanate from their stiff, rotting corpses. This person also likes to sit nude out of five story windows and shit piping hot brown loaves from his ass onto the pedestrians below, hoping to hit children right in there stupid mouths.

Yeah. Where was I? Ah yes, time travel. I wish I had a time machine. I'd totally go back and use up all the ideas. That's pretty much why anyone would want to time travel. Travel to like the time of Jimi Hendrix and play some sweet riffs in his face that he'll actually invent ten years down the road or whatever. That'd be awesome because you'd totally show him up. I'd play the shit that he invents, people would look at me in awe, and then I'd totally spit in his face. Why? I don't know. Fuck him, that's why. He thinks he's so good but I just totally brought the roof down with his song and he doesn't even know it! I'll probably change the future because he'll quit music and die in a trash can. I rule.

Spitting in people's faces is underrated anyway. I figure that if I go back into the 1960's and become famous from all my awesome inventions I can bring new life into this ancient form of insulting. Some lady will probably want me to take a picture with her baby and right before the flash-bulb goes off I totally spit in its face. That picture would probably be so cool that they'll replace it with the American flag.

Another thing I'd want to do is have a nice talk with Albert Einstein himself.

"Are you the gentleman that wanted to see me?"
"Yeah. You Einstein?"
"Yes."
"Should've known. You're as ugly as him. Wait, you are him!"
"Ha ha! Now, what did you want to ask me?"
"Hey Einstein, if you're so smart, how come you suck?"
"Excuse me I -"
"Shutup! Theory of relativity? What-EVER. I totally figured that shit out in like Elementary school you stupid asshole dork. It was so easy it's not even funny."
"I'm sure that -"
"Dude, would you PLEASE stop talking. All you do is fuckin' talk like NON-STOP. GAH! I've been around you for one minute and never seen anyone talk so much in my entire life! Seriously shut the fuck up right now or I'm going to dig your eyes out with my bare hands."
"You are truly -"
"Truly what? Awesome? I know. You're truly DUMB. MAN, SMART MY ASS. Another question: if you're so smart, how come you look like a jerk? How come you're bald?"
"You just don't -"
"Fag!"

In your face. As you can see, I'm the absolute perfect candidate for time travel. You'd probably waste it on something stupid like warning people of "AIDS" or "War". Hahahaha, you're such a stupid douche hippy. Get outta here.

For those of you who don't know because you don't spend as much time on the Internet as most of us, there is this website called MySpace.com that lets you sign up and connect with hundreds and thousands of people. If you're like me, you try to avoid as many of these Internet people as possible and browse wholesome websites and look up to people who run quality, family websites like this one.

Anyway, I was just browsin' some website that has a "crazy link of the day". Under it was captioned this man is a genius. Now, the site I was on was obviously run by some 17 year-old a who doesn't know anything about genius. I mean, the site had a lot of other "crazy" stuff like ALL YOUR BASE ARE BELONG TO US and various geocities.com Japanimation links/affiliates. So his view of genius was exactly what I expected it to be. This guy!

Gals and gents, I present to you, the "crazy link of the day" I clicked on:
http://www.myspace.com/jeffreestar

Meet Jeffree "Cunt" Star. Yes, it is a dude. I first thought that it was some 60 year old lady trying to act young by slamming on the face makeup and wearing ugly clothes. But I was totally wrong. It's a full grown man in full blown chick gear.

After skimming through some junk he wrote, I've come to the conclusion that I would punch his face in for being such a dumb wuss. He's an outwardly offensive individual who constantly babbles about how he doesn't care what anybody thinks of him and he's prettier than the finest of bitches. Whatever. He's such a big-headed ass and it's not even in a funny way. He says contradictory stuff in the field of "If you hate me, I love you" which is some dumb head-games bullshit which makes me yawn just looking at it. Did I mention he dresses like a total dick for no reason?

Hey kids, I look like Marilyn Manson's wife! I'm the guy you'd LOVE TO FUCK, NOT HATE. C'mon people, I totally have a serious MESSAGE that I'm trying to get across by NOT ACTUALLY SAYING IT but by just BEING MYSELF! I'M ON THE INTERNET TOO!

After a google search on his name (I was wondering why all these MySpace users were obsessed with him) I find out that he was actually that annoying gas-bag dickhole Kelly Osbourne's personal assistant and modeled her clothing line. What a douche. Welp, looks like he wasted his life over some dumb Hot Topic clothes designed by a young girl that nobody bought.

This is Jeff with no makeup. He kind of looks like a cross between Stone Temple Pilots front man Scott Weiland and the heel of my foot.

Even if this site is one big sarcastic joke, it's still not funny. It's stupid and he's wasting his time. Don't you just hate washed up assholes? This is coming from me, the biggest has-been of all time (I invented everything). I hope I never become famous.

"You don't have to worry about that, honey."
"Cram it, Jeff."
"Lay off the McDonald's thunder thighs."
"Whoa, slow down there Tina Fey. You don't want to burst a funny vein!"

In conclusion, I hate washed up celebrities and artsy wastes of space on the Internet. Especially Kelly Osbourne. Everyone should watch Bruce Lee instead. That was awesome in that one movie where he totally breaks the neck of Kareem Abdul Jabbar after an awesome battle with him. Kareem was like the boss or something with this mysterious fighting style and he was guarding a treasure. I think it was called like "Death Fist" or "Fist of Death" or "Death House". I don't know.

(Update 8-7-2005):

Listen to Jeff in "Turn Off The Lights" here:
http://www.myspace.com/hollywoodundead

Wikipedia article:
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Jeffree_Star

Thanks to the anonymous douchebags that emailed me this useless information.

So yesterday I went up to my friend Andy and recited lyrics from some song I heard on 98.5 DACLONE:

"Yo Andy, I totally teared my heart open and sold myself short. My weakness is, get this, I CARE TOO MUCH."
"That's the gayest shit I ever heard."

WHAT NOW?

INTERNET = 0
KENNY = 1

Everything is annoying. I mean really. This sentence is annoying because their are words in it. That typo was pretty annoying but I won't change it. You'll just have to be super annoyed/pumped because that makes me feel less annoyed by YOU. This article is pretty annoying because it's so image heavy. Whatever.

"Erm."
Nobody says "erm" in real life so stop using the word you douche. This is seriously one of the most annoying things EVER CREATED on the Internet. I blame the anime fanbase. Try reading the word aloud and using it in normal conversation. Someone will punch you in your mouth HARD. You'll probably skip lunch because you'll feel full after swallowing all of your own teeth.

Ellipses
Ellipses are used by douches who think that they're typing like they're thinking. Like they're style is totally "free-flowing" or some other artistic bull-s. Yeah right! More like, typing like...annoying...the...hell...outta...me! Knock it off RIGHT NOW.

"Heh."
Who the hell says "heh"? Internet forum dorks. It's usually said after they announce they do something weird. "I only wash the dog on Tuesdays because that's the only day Yugioh isn't on heh heh ;)". Dude, shutup already. That's so dumb and half-assed. What are you, George Bush Jr.? He laughs like that and it's pretty frigg'n annoying if you ask me.

>_<, o_O, and ^_^
Pretty much any text-based printable characters conveying facial expression and emotion is stupid and a waste of time. I know people that do this and I hereby proclaim them OUT OF THE LOOP! That's a pretty bad outing since the loop is stupid to begin with. Loops are stupid. What is a loop anyway? Whatever it is, they're not in it anymore so SCREW YOU GUYS.

"Tee-hee."
This is the wuss version of "Ha ha". It's usually said when a rated-G joke is told or you're witnessing a situation where one would blush. Like "Oooh! Dewayne and LaRhonda just kissed, tee hee /__/!". If they really want to kick it up a notch, they'll put one finger one their bottom lip or cover up their mouth while saying it. This is so stupid and un-manly it makes me want to kick a baby in the face. "Tee hee"? More like Tee-SUCKMYBALLS! Speaking of which, one time I said "tee-hee" to some biker dude and he kicked my balls. It didn't hurt 'cuz they're made of stainless steel. I could run them under water for years and they wouldn't stain at all!

Your Video Game Ideas
wutz gud ppl? u tink it wuld be funny if dey based a game on the snl skit wit based on dose two guys dat do the "baby don't hurt me" song and bobbed there heds?!! hahha loffle loaf dat wuld be so funny haha i sed "based" funny cuz my moms a base-head wow i'm so funny it's like i had roffles for breakfast and went 4 a jog in my lollerskates looller u cna't jog in those cuz you will fall on ur butt XD!

Check out my wordstyle hidden message! Jealous?

I try to write one stupid pile of junk words (most invented) each and every week like a half-assed lunatic so I take all the ideas before everyone else. That's pretty much why I write. I feel like a bag of ass this week. I'm too stupid to write anything. For now, here is an awesome picture to look at for a really long time because it's so awesome. I know I did. It's a lumberjack punching another lumberjack. It's pretty much a nominee for best picture of all time:

Currently Listening:
Stinkoman - Level 2
Videlectrix
see related

Out of the many foods on this planet, sauerkraut is indeed one of the best. According to recent ACCURATE studies, what I just said is, well, indeed true! Check out this ACCURATE pie chart I found on the Internet:

If you've seen any other documents stating otherwise, it's probably because they didn't use ACCURATE information. It pretty much took me hours and hours of research to find that graph, so jam that in your pipe and shut up NOW.

Sauerkraut is literally German for sour cabbage and is so awesome I poo my pants a little and fart when I eat it. My friend Chadwick, who is a big, bloody bag of douche water, hates sauerkraut so much that he puked. He's a stupid asshole I guess. Everyone who hates sauerkraut is an asshole. Just think to yourself - am I an asshole? If the answer is yes, you must hate sauerkraut, asshole. You must wipe your mouth after eating with toilet paper because your mouth is the hole of an ass.

"I'm eatin' right now."
"Oh."
"Yep. Eatin' some pork and sauerkraut. It's awesome."
"What? GAAH! Can't even put into words how much I hate that stuff."
"What are you talking about?"
"One time I ate it and I got sick and like puked."
"Probably because it was so awesome that your body couldn't handle it."
"Whatever!"

Time to get school'd:
Raw sauerkraut is an extremely healthful food—an excellent source of lactobacilli (more so than yogurt), Vitamin C and other nutrients. However the overabundance of lactobacilli can easily upset the stomach of people who are not used to eating raw sauerkraut. That's probably why he puked. What a wuss.

You can find the convenient canned sauerkraut at any grocery store. Usually it's shoved in some secret area of the canned-goods isle. Like on the bottom shelf behind some lesser food such as black olives. I hate olives. But hating olives doesn't make me an asshole, so don't try to use that trick on me. Olives are gross and there is pretty much no point to them. Anyway, because canned sauerkraut is in such high demand the major grocery chains want it to look like they don't sell it anymore. So to score yourself a can of frigg'n pure awesome, you must ask one of the employees about the "secret sauerkraut stash" and mention my name. They'll be like "this way" and probably pull a secret brick on the wall or something revealing the location of a lifetime supply of sauerkraut.

In other news, I'm undefeated at miniature golf. Seriously, nobody can beat me. I've played roughly 20 games in my life and have never lost a single one. I am literally the Tiger Woods of miniature golf. Challenge me and you'll probably regret it. Nay, you WILL regret it. I'm just so amused by the simplicity of this game. BRING ME YOUR MEATS AND CHEESES! Challenging me requires you bring your A++ x10 game and a towel because that's only half of what you'll need to defeat me. After I do defeat you (which will happen), you can use the towel to:

Boy howdy, we've got an absolute BARN BURNER for you to read today! I mean, the barn is like totally BURNING DOWN so awesome like you can't even do anything about it without peeing a little.

Today I'm going to play teacher once again and show you kiddies how different superstitions came to be. Yeah, that's right. SUPERSTITIONS. I'm not a superstitiotiousuitiousussshuss man myself so this should be a breeze. I walk under ladders and like kick black cats into mirrors and stuff. It's all pretty stupid if you think about it. I'm going to tell you what this crap REALLY is. This'll be minus the fluff that the "man" tries to feed you.

Ok, where to begin? Frankly, I'm getting tired of saying that word. Too many "s" sounds. I bet your frigg'n pants will smell like a whole load of "s" after reading this.

"An apple a day, keeps the doctor away."
I heard that some crazy guy in my neighborhood climbed up this one tree in his yard and threw apples at his neighbor's dogs. His neighbor was a like a foot doctor.

"See a penny, pick it up; all day long you’ll have good luck."
Yeah right! One time I saw some dude stop in the middle of a street to pick up a penny and now he's dead.

"Don't break a mirror, or you'll have seven years bad luck."
This only happens when YOU look into the mirror in question! You bust all mirrors into dust with your stinking ugly face!

"When eating a fish, you should begin at the tail and work towards the head."
More like fish is stupid. Besides YOUR MOM's fish. That's what I do when I'm eating YOUR MOM.

"An acorn at the window will keep lightning out."
What? How can putting a stupid acorn on the window prevent thousands of volts of death from blowing you away? People are so dumb. Just put a giant slab of sheet metal over the window to absorb the lightning, idiot.

"Touch blue and your wish will come true."
If this was true, then that blue, bloated corpse would finally come back to life and stop stinking up my basement! His pants fit me funny.

"Clink two glasses of alcohol to scare the demon out of the alcohol."
It'll scare demons, but it won't scare my Uncle Steve out of my house every night! Because of him I have many "demons" that I don't want to talk about. Let's just say that I haven't been able to bend over for 12 years.

"If 3 people are photographed together, the one in the middle will die first."

Get the political joke? HA HAH MAN I'M FUNNY.

"If your ear is burning, then someone is talking about you."
Yeah right! One time I saw some dude stop in the middle of a street to itch his ear and now he's dead.

The end! Man, I really didn't teach you anything. Who wants to learn anyway? Learning is overrated.

methodick@hotmail.com has sent you this message!

Kenny~
I have a request for content. Would you please write about how some superstitions came to be? It wouldn't be a big deal if you didn't. But I'd stop praying for your soul before I go to bed
Aloha,
J

In the previous installment of AWESOME INSULTS I showed/taught everyone in the world how to murder your opponent with a brutal onslaught of terrible insults. That was awesome. And by awesome I mean really, really awesome.

Insulting is as easy as it looks. Not that you could really look at the insults because they're like sound waves and stuff. I mean easy as it sounds. No wait, you could insult somebody in text I guess and look at it. Shutup. You're gross. Anyway, in this chapter of AWESOME INSULTS we'll look at how to insult someone simply by saying "THIS" and pointing at your crotch. Check it out, I was talking to my pal Stacie today about candy:

"Hey Kenny, how come this watermelon candy doesn't taste like actual watermelon? That's kind of crazy."
"Watermelon? Watermelon THIS."

It was so awesome and funny she didn't even laugh. Probably because she was speechless from how awesome it was. You've got to remember to point at your crotch while saying "THIS". If you don't, it won't be an "awesome" insult, it'll be just plain "insult". That's stupid and boring. You can even take it to the next level by adding a thrust or two while pointing. Oh, point with both hands if you're really wanna plow them down.

A variant of the "THIS" insult is none other than the "RIGHT HERE" technique. Let's take a look at the same conversation I had but with the variant in question:

"Hey Kenny, how come this watermelon candy doesn't taste like actual watermelon? That's kind of crazy."
"Watermelon? I've got your watermelon RIGHT HERE."

OH SNAP! That right there, my friends, is some fierce insulting. You could almost say that's straight up uncouth! Uncouth and graceless, inhuman, lowbrow, primitive, rough, rude, tasteless, uncivilized, vulgar, AND wild. If you get real REAL FOR REALS good you can use both at once and not even think about it.

"Hey Kenny, how come this watermelon junk doesn't taste like the real?"
"Because like I've got your watermelon RIGHT HERE so JUNK THIS. Junk it RIGHT HERE, LADY! BADA-POW! DO you LIKE the WAY I'm THRUSTING in YOUR FACE? WATERMELON THIS BUDDY! I've GOT your WATERMELON RIGHT HERE! POINT POINTITY POINT POINT POINT AT MY FRIGG'N CROTCH! UGH! AHH! UGH! THRUST and POINT and THRUST and POINT!"

This, referred to as an "ULTRA DOUBLE AWESOME INSULT", shouldn't be taken lightly by anyone. The person will probably cry after hearing it or maybe even punch you in the arm HARD. So, just prepare yourself for the worst.

In conclusion, I won't say some concluding words. Conclude THIS.

Dear Hempfield, Pennsylvania,
I hate you and everything about you. I hope everything bad in life happens to you and you alone. Shut up NOW!
Your friend,
Kenny

I work at Taco Bell and I deal with morons all day who can't do things like add or read. Probably people like YOU. Ok, I lied. You can add. Add extra syllables to words you're trying to read! Seriously folks, don't even try to read the menus anymore. We know a Taco Bell menu is too much for you and you can't handle it, so just point at the pictures. It saves time and is a lot easier on all of us.

If you do decide to try and read the words associated with the foods you're ordering, make sure you're at least 90% sure that what you're about to say is correct. Don't try and say "Quesadilla" and then do this cute little laugh after you know you messed it up. That laugh is stupid and makes you look like a jerk-off. Also if you're ordering and you laugh with your friends about how much they ordered or how long they're taking (i.e. "HAHA! He always takes this long."), we're probably just fake-laughing with you to move things along. Most fast-food employees are melancholy and unwelcoming, so any type of joy just pisses us off and makes us want to poke your eyes out. Like if you're in the drive-thru and laughing it up on a cell phone, we're always talking about you behind your back about how "CellPhone McGee won't shut the hell up and order already". Seriously, about 80% of you people I come in contact with during the day are ruthlessly irritating.

Anyway, the reason I'm writing this article is in hopes of alleviating some of the mind-numbing pain you idiots put my co-workers through each and every day with your twaddle. I'll teach you the basic Taco Bell stuff so you don't look half-bad when ordering. For real, it shouldn't be this hard. If your brain starts to hurt just look away and take deep breaths and you should be fine.

Pronunciation

• Chalupa is pronounced "Cha-loo-pah".
• Quesadilla is pronounced "Case-uh-dee-uh".
• Gordita is pronounced "Gore-dee-ta".
• Empanada is pronounced "Emp-uh-na-duh".

Items

• Normal Taco = MEAT, LETTUCE, CHEESE.
• Supreme Taco = w/ SOUR CREAM and TOMATO.
• Baja Style (for Chalupas or Gorditas) = w/ PEPPERJACK SAUCE and FIESTA TOMATO.
• Supreme Style (for Chalupas or Gorditas) = w/ SOUR CREAM and TOMATO.
• Nacho Cheese Style (for Chalupas or Gorditas) = w/ NACHO CHEESE and TOMATO.

I also work with a bunch of lunatics. Like this one guy named Steve who like totally fingers his butthole and sniffs it all day in front of everyone. Ok, so that's not a true story but he's probably going to read this so it's funny to me. Actually his mom already read it because she's totally making out with me and my penis right now.

I'm sure you all love Taco Bell and the famous TACO SUNDAY! Where crunchy and soft tacos are now HALF PRICE and what not! Well, listen to this. Some old guy who thought he was so frigg'n smart had this conversation with me today.

"Do you have any Taco Sundays?"
"Taco Sundays? What?"
"Taco Sundays, you know, that BIG SIGN out front that says TACO SUNDAYS. Do you have any?"
"You mean S-U-N-D-A-E. That's S-U-N-D-A-Y, as in today is Taco Sunday and they are reduced in price."
"Yeah, I know. It's just that blah blah blah I am now saying some shit to cover up my stupidity."

What a stupid asshole. This isn't the first time I had one of these idiots mis-read that damn sign. People should learn how to spell. He went on and on for about five minutes speaking about how Taco Bell "used to have a Taco Sundae that was deep fried". Whatever. Just shutup and lower your head in shame because you're so dumb. He just kept making himself look dumber and dumber until he just gave up and left, trailing off about tacos as he walked out the door.

SCHOOL'D. Oh man. I also like to visit other "bizarro" Taco Bells and throw out annoying quips like "does this soft taco weigh exactly 3.6 ounces?" and they'll be like "do you work at a Taco Bell" and I'll be like "I worked on YOUR MOM's cunt!". Whoa snap! That's a bit rough but you get the picture.

The following bit is a little something out of a book I'm writing.

EXPLOSION!

The scene opens up with Megadeth playing in the background. What makes it even cooler is that there was just this huge explosion just happed a happened and it's like raining bones and stuff. That's awesome.

Every book should start out with an explosion. In fact, a fact is only "in" until it is deemed an "out fact". An "out fact" is, in fact, not "in" but "out" ("out" is the opposite of "in").

Alright look, shutup! Don't you just hate it when people are like "get a cause!"? More like, "Get the hell outta my face jerkwad hippie!". That would totally ruin his day. He would probably throw away his stupid hacky-sack and suffocate drown himself in the river. The river Styx? Styx blows.

Yeah, it's pretty frigg'n awesome if you ask me. If you saw the book, you would see that I drew like pictures of people barfing and transparent cubes having sex with transparent triangles. Then they have a baby and it's like a half transparent cube, half triangle freak that hates himself. And bones. I'm pretty much the best drawer in the world. Just the other day Van Gogh's family burned all of their paintings because they were like "yo dawg, Vincent V to the G gots nothin' on you!" and I was like "yeah, word".

Stop crapping your stupid diapers over Xanga.com's comment system malfunction.

I know some dude* who is selling his balls for $150,000 so he can like go to college or something. That's awesome. Awesome because there is money. If I sold my garbage for money, I'm sure the ol' frank-n-beans would merit more money than that. Or should I say sausage-n-globes. I mean, my junk is so huge it is pretty much created entire universe as we know it. NO LIE. How could I boast such a claim? Little known fact: I actually created everything living in five seconds. I was just jacking off to some porn or something and BLAM! OUT COMES ALL THINGS LIVING. Just ask any good science teacher and they'll tell you that you all came from my balls. Some like to refer this monumentous event as "The Big Bang". I think the title is appropriate because it was a pretty intense moment for me. After that huge "explosion of life" I needed a blood transfusion.

The slab of meat in my pants that I call my penis is also the largest ever seen by man (and woman). Nobody is as huge as me. I mean, I'm uncircumcised so the foreskin makes it look even longer by extending a full three inches beyond the tip. I don't even need a condom because I have such powerful control over my foreskin. I can make it go up and down like I'm blinking or something. Sometimes if I'm bored (don't tell anybody), I draw eyes on it and make the tip talk.

I dont' know. I went to visit my good Uncle Steve again the other day. Uncle Steve is a qualified clinician. He gives me hernia and rectal exams. "They're uncomfortable, but important" says my Uncle Steve. Uncle Steve is a team player. Everyone loves Uncle Steve. I think that this is true. He always helps people out and gives to the community. Just the other day he gave out a homemade sword, a hatchet, a knife, brass knuckles and a chain saw to my good friend Gregory Despres for free! What a guy! Does your Uncle Douchebag do that? No. Probably because he is a douchebag and drinks douche water every hour on the hour.

* Justin Ebert! Haha! In your stupid face JUSTIN EBERT.

Some people go around saying they have something called "writer's block". Those people are also known as DUMB. Writing is easy. I mean, I do it all the time without any problems (save for the death threats). Right now I'm totally breezing through this stuff while sipping on a cool, refreshing slushie. Ok I lied. I don't actually write stuff anymore. I just type stuff onto my computer because it's a lot easier and faster.

Now that I think about it, writing is a stupid green pile of BS. I haven't written down more than like one paragraph since school. Take it from me kids, writing is a waste of time once you graduate from whatever stupid jerk school you go to. Unless your career says "writer", "secretary", "policeman", or "lawyer" you can pretty much put writing on the "back-burner". Remember sentence fragments? Welp, that's all you'll have time for in the real world. Teachers don't want you to know this because they are in fact assholes, and assholes spew shit from their mouths and wipe their shit covered faces with only the roughest of toilet paper because they are human asshole heads that smell real bad.

Here are a couple things that you'll use writing for in the future:

• Cards
• Writing Down Schedule
• Checkbook
• Grocery List
• Things To Do list
• Reminders

Ok, so some of you might use writing for more than this. Like writing "letters" to your friends. But you don't have to worry about that. Because if you're reading this, you most likely don't have any friends! In fact, you'll probably only use your letter-writing skills to address the Wal-Mart complaint department! MATCH AND GAME!

"What website is that?"
"Why it's my favorite website, oldpeoplebendingovertopickupsuff.com!"
"Whatever. More like your favorite website is IAMSTUPID.com, because you think you suck so you visit it every single day!"
"You're favorite website is OW! MY FRIGG'N CROTCH!"
"What?"
"I just piled my garbage into the corner of the wall, giving my family jewels what-for!"
"You're pretty accident prone."
"Oh yeah, well you're pretty having-sex-with-your-dad prone! Qwat now, bitch?"

This isn't very good. See you next time.
(See you next time? What are you, gay?)

Some people like to fart because it's funny. I like to do it FOR THE PAIN. What I mean is that I like to fart so hard that I know I'm bleeding. Let's say you're sitting at a Taco Bell with me and I just ordered a Grande Combo with 10 bean burritos plus nacho cheese and minus red sauce. I hate red sauce. I eat them all myself and let it set. Then after it kicks in, I suffocate you by blowing out my ass so hard I can feel my chest caving in. I go to the bathroom telling you "I gotta piss", but what I'm really doing is evaluating the sweet, sweet damage I caused downstairs. I'm bent over in front of the mirror trying to see if I'm bleeding. I am, and it's such a turn-on to me that I wipe my bleeding ass all over the sink. Worried (because lots of people saw me go in there), I take off my underwear and wipe up the sink hurriedly, leaving thick, bloody streaks all over the place. I bolt outta there with bloody underwear in my mouth and you're just sitting there confused and people are staring at you and asking you questions and like some guy goes in there and then really nails you with the stink-eye but you're just sitting there still and you're sweating and shaking and eating tacos and you ordered a number six beef supreme with a crunchy taco and you enjoyed it up until you barfed and spit-up and vomited and puked and upchucked because of my noxious gas.

I think every book should have bathroom humor and explosions. I hate books. Serious books are a big problem for me because as soon as I look at the first page I instantly fall asleep like I'm narcoleptic. It kinda looks like a hitman just came up from behind me and snapped my neck because I was looking at stupid documents. That would be an awesome way to die.

"Hey Kenny, what does the 'R' in your name stand for? I bet it stands for 'Reach-around' because you're a cock hugging faggot! HAHA! It means you wrap your o-ring FULLY around some dudes cock and like totally get your ass SPELUNKED!"
"Oh yeah, well what does the 'R' in YOUR middle name stand for? 'Really stupid JERK with NO FRIENDS'?"
"Good one Kenny! Did you learn that at the family reunion? Family-reunion-jokes McGee!"
"No, but I learned to french your mom HARD in her mouth!"
"That was hella lame."
"Your face is lame! LAME TIMES A MILLION!"

Then yesterday I went over to the Wal-Mart and bought a briefcase that

A son and father are talking to each other. "Son, I've got to talk to you about responsibility" and the son was like "OK". So the son and father bought some pop tarts. It was stupid. Then the father and son team saw a retarded person. "Son, now look at that man over there. He's what we call handicapped. He can't walk!" "Wow" said the son "he's an asshole!". The son then gave the retard a pop tart. More like, POP TARD! HO HO I'M IMPRESSIVE WITH THE JOKES! Anywho, the father was all like "retards are a lower form of man, just push him down the steps" and so they did. Then they both high fived and like went to the mall or something. I don't know. What do I look like, a biographer?

Speaking of malls, I was at the mall today and I saw an eight year old girl and thought: not bad. Then I went into the Baby GAP to sniff the clothes. That started to bore me, so I played grab-ass with the little boys in the play area. Their parents saw me do this and called security. I ran outside and smashed into a car. I was so erect from before that I totally annihilated it with my ENGORGED PENIS. Here's a photo of the car afterwards:

True story. Just ask Chadwick.

Yes, I did write this in five minutes.

One time I was going to the store and I saw this kid I knew from McDonalds or something named Markworth buying some salsa. He was being a jerk and like running over old ladies with a grocery cart. Then, all of a sudden, a goat comes through the window and explodes HARD, killing everyone. And by killing, I mean not killing because it was plastic or something. Then some stuff happened involving really cool explosions that were by far the coolest things I've ever seen. I would explain them but like it was so cool that I can't, so don't ask.

I'm walking down the same isle looking for some Worcestershire sauce and all the sudden he's all like:

"Hey Kenny, what're you doing here? Nevermind/anyways, which type of salsa would you get? MEGA SUPER ULTRA HOT, or MEGA ULTRA SUPER HOT. I don't want it to taste like pain, but it can't be bland, ya know. Did you see a goat?"

So I was like "no" and the camera zoomed in on my eyeballs really awesome. Then I did a backflip off of the wall and some jerk with a CounterStrike shirt on totally farted. It smelled and melted the paint so I left.

THE END.

(This story co-written with Tim Markworth a.k.a. "The Joke Baron", who provided his own quote and like some other sentence. Ha, "Joke Baron"? More like "The CHOKE Baron", because he totally "chokes" when he tries to tell a joke! Get it?)

Also:

"Hi Kenny!"
"Well, Hi Chadwick!"
"Whatever are you doing, fine friend of mine!"
"Well, you see Chadwick, I'm EATING! When one gets hungry one would go to the nearest foo -"
"Ah yes, FOOD SOURCE! I've heard of such a thing. But uh, continue."
"Food source. And it so happens that I am eating FOOD right now!"
"WOW! I've never seen anyone eat that before! What is it?"
"YOUR MOM! HAHAAHAHA!"
"BAH HA HA HA HA OH THAT'S CLASSIC! But seriously, what is it? It smells so bad."
"What are you, stupid AND a jerk? It's bacon bits!"
"OOOHHH, BA-CON BITS! So that explains your gamey breath!"
"What are you saying? You're checking out my breath? What's next, my ass FAGGOT?"
"Calm down Kenny, I'm just sayin' -"
"I know what you're saying. You wanna slap your balls against my ass and call me Susan."
"Dude seriously, you're a disgusting freak. Just get back to the bacon bits thing."
"YES! Bacon bits Chadwick! Would you like to try some?"
"Would I?"
"Here ya go! Just put that spoon in the bowl, and let'r rip!"
"RALPH RALPH RALPH CHOMP CHOMP. GULP! HOLY COW KENNY! This really is tasty!"
"I told you so!"
"But my question is, how come it's not really bacon?"
"Whaddaya mean 'not bacon'? I mean it tastes like bacon."
"So, that doesn't mean anything. They make jelly beans that taste like popcorn but it's not really popcorn."
"What? You lost me."
"I'm say-ING it's NOT BACON."
"What
the heck dude? Of course it's bacon. Why would they call it BACON BITS
if it didn't contain bacon? Just read the label off the box."

[ gets box. reads it. ]

"See! NO BACON WHATSOEVER! Not even any parts from a pig!"
"Good gravy Chadwick, you're RIGHT! What have I been eating then?"
"I don't know. Maybe they should call it FAKEon, because it's not really bacon! HA HA HA HA!"
"Shutup. Maybe I should call YOUR MOM for dinner."
"Shutup!"
"YOU SHUTUP!"

screw you frigg'n dork, this was awesome.

Here is my 100% REAL ID card from overseas.

click to enlarge

Yeah I know, you probably think this is a fake. Well, I should totally drop the f-bomb AND a phat beat at the same time to show you just how WRONG you are! We won't agree on that, I know. But we can all agree on one thing: Hitler killed a bunch of Jews!

If you're like me (which there is no way you could be, even if you tried your best) you try to avoid needless confrontations. You know, like getting in fights, getting robbed or talking to people about getting robbed in fights. Just today some asshole comes up to me and tries to take my awesome goods:.

"Whassup? Yo fatass, I think you have my money so you better give dat shit up! Give it to me! C'mon bitch, put that shit in my hand or this blade is gonna totally shank your face hard!"
"Give it to you? Alright."
"AH SHIT! PUT YOUR CLOTHES BACK ON!"
"Gimme some sugar, baby."
"Get away from me!"
"I'll get away from YOUR MOM! BURN!"

Yeah well, he left and it totally gave me a lot to think about. Like how I learned that trick from my Uncle Steve.

I've told many about my Uncle Steve mainly because he has taught me a lot over the years. Pretty much everything that I need to know. Like how to start fires, how to steal a car blindfolded, and how to change the homeless into quick cash. But the most important lesson he taught me was how to annihilate my opponents with a series of insults so awesome, it'll take your breath away - FOREVER. Your opponent will be so barbequed by these insults they'll kill their families and then kill themselves like times ten. Just take a look:

• What's the difference between you and a fag? Nothing, because you are, in fact, a fag you faggot!
• Is that your nose or a frigg'n bananer?
• Did your grandpa just die? Well, you’re an asshole!
• Your grandma's tits look like two bags of shit/deflated balloons!
• Lose your job? Welp, looks like you'll be killing yourself!
• Your mouth looks like a sphincter, Mr. Assmouth!
• Is that an elbow or a W-BOW? Bitch!
• Stop talking. Your voice is as ugly as your crotch! Just ask YOUR MOM!
• Knock knock...who's there? Me! And I'm gonna' punch your damn face in because you're gay!
• Your mom looks like a giant fuckin' sack of muddy water.
• Aww. Just get dumped? Welp, you're a fag. I have to guard my dick all the time because you're a big fag.
• I'm dumb? Well, you're stupid and shutup RIGHT NOW!
• Is your mom a big dog? Because you're a little bitch! To top it all off, YOU'RE GAY!
• I'm an asshole? At least my parents aren't dead like yours, ORPHAN FAGGOT!
• Yeah, being cheated on is rough. As rough as how your girlfriend likes it! JUKES PAST THE LOSER, LEANS BACK AND SWISH! MILLION POINTS FOR THE HOME TEAM! HE COULD...GO...ALL...THE..WAY! WITH HIS GIRLFRIEND! DOUBLE BURN!

See what I mean? Your opponent will be so goddamn BARBEQUED from the sweet burns that you'll smell the Worcester sauce. AWESOME. I burn so awesome everything around me frigg'n EXPLODES HARD AND BURSTS INTO FLAMES.

Stairs are overrated and stupid. Nothin' like INFINITELY USELESS EXERCISE in the day-and-age of frigg'n electrons and alloys and like cool electronic stuff. Next time I see a staircase I'll totally not walk up them, but instead take the elevator because that's the SMART thing to do. I mean, just take a look at your average staircase. It's pretty much a wall of HEART FAILURE if you think about it:

Yesterday the elevator was busted and I had no choice but to wait for three days in the lobby until the repairman came. The lady at the desk suggested I take the steps. I suggested that she go try and walk them because EXERCISE IS FOR DOUCHEBAGS. She left, and then came back super sweaty from the steps. She apologized and begged for forgiveness. I then told her to shutup and get checked for foot and mouth disease because her foot was so in her mouth that time.

Anyway, if you like lifting your legs more than humanly possible and want your heart to explode out of your chest and lungs to collapse, GO AHEAD AND CLIMB A STAIRCASE! Or better yet, WALK! Who has time to walk anymore? It's all about stealing a wheelchair and using it. Whoever invented this device must be a GENIUS. OH WAIT I INVENTED IT.

Like I have cancer or something and I'll die soon. Like, tomorrow and stuff. I don't know, I wasn't really paying attention to the doctor because I was busy stealing as many cotton balls as I could. You can NEVER have enough of those! We had an awesome conversation that was awesome. Check it out:

"Hey."
"Hey."
"How's it going."
"Good."
"You have cancer."
"That's gay."
"Here's ten bucks."
"Alright see ya."

People are dumb. Especially YOU. But I want to talk about slouching. Slouching rules. All that stuff that parents tell you about slouching is a bunch of Frigg'n S. I can slouch whenever I want and nobody can tell me different. Wanna know why? Because I'm the SULTAN OF SLOUCH. Nobody can out-slouch me even if they tried their best. Not even old ladies carrying forty-thousand pounds of sawdust on their backs.

Like today I was sitting down drinking a nice cup of 0% milk and was power slouching in a chair. Then some old lady comes over and also slouches, but in an old lady way. I wasn't about to be out-slouched, so I slouched farther and downer than anyone has ever slouched before. I was slouching so far down the chair that the back of my head was on the edge of the seat and my legs were through the floor. The old lady's heart then exploded HARD because she couldn't handle just how bad I ruined her shit.

Check out this comic that depicts a conversation I had:

I was standing at this bus station waiting for a bus. I really had to go to the bathroom like MAN WHOA. It felt like my bladder was going to tear in half. I told the guy who drives the bus to wait but he was all like "no way kid" and then I was like "taste this then" so I pissed in his hair and face. I have such good arc and power that scientists are confused and hold meetings about it and stuff. The next day I saw him and he was scared and now I can ride the bus whenever I want without even paying.

That reminds me of the time I was in the urinal with some other dude. I mean, we didn't feel like waiting so we "buddied up" on one urinal. It was fun. He was like "wanna race?" and I was like "hell yes" so I pushed out my pee as hard as I could until a bloody cream came out. He said I should get it checked. Whatever. He's just jealous that I beat him in the race AND at sword fighting. Sword fighting with pee.

After that I went to some crazy bar where like you can go on the Internet and drink coffee and hit on librarian chicks at the same time. So I went on this hilarious website that I forget the name, but MAN IT WAS SO FUNNY! There were all these crazy videos and EVERYTHING! I'm going to call the inventor of the Internet and ask him to change the name of it to "ROFLNET" because like that would seem appropriate for our war-ridden times when we need laughter and coffee and stuff.

This piece was totally inspired from a conversation with:

You're welcome Ryan, 'cuz I know you wanted to be mentioned and everything. He also has some dumb Internet journal-log-weblog that you shouldn't read! Stay in school kids! Drink your milk! Eat your vitamins! Jog! Do good for fellow man! Eat Healthy! Don't build pipe bombs (without proper parental supervision)! Don't come over to the bus station at exactly 4:30 PM when that one bus driver's shift starts, sneak up behind him and inject dangerous amounts of bleach into his blood stream! Then when he falls over cut his head off and scream "Kenny Rules" and then run from the cops, shooting as many children as you can on the way out! ROFLNET! LOLLERWEB!

http://www.xanga.com/home.aspx?user=DrugsRbadmmmKAY

religion.txt
4/04/2005

########################

The views expressed in this document default around Christianity but are not limited to that religion alone.

########################

Gather 'round ladies and gentleman! It's time to talk about religion!

"When you die, then you'll know there is a God."

No I won't, because I don't believe in souls, afterlife,
etc. Aren't you paying attention? I believe that when you die,
you're dead. Just like that rock outside. Your brain stops
sending signals, you're bodily functions cease - YOU DIE.

"There are different levels of religiousness so your views
are incorrect."

Oh right, like different levels of chocolate in my milk!
You've still got chocolate milk no matter what. I just
never put the chocolate into mine. All I have is the
knowledge of the chocolate and friends who've already
converted to chocolate milk. And man, do I know a lot
about chocolate milk because of these people.

Anyway, pardon my shitty comparisons and terminology, but I'm
a huge nerd so that's how it works out.

Also, read an article written by Tim Markworth inspired by this:
http://www.hydrahydra.org/~solientgreen2/religion.html

What is popularity? That is the question. I know what's in and out because I invented everyone's personality and I'm pretty much the prototype for everything cool. I mean, my friend Sanchez said so like yesterday and anything Sanchez says is GOLD BABY! Like Bruce Lee was to martial arts. Bruce Lee was awesome. All these boring assholes (Sony Chiba, Jimmy Wang Yu) tried to be as good as him but failed. Especially Sony Chiba. Wait, that part was in parenthesis so I'm not supposed to be talking about it out loud. Whatever, screw American English. It's more like HOMerican GAYlish. BONG!

If you read MAD Magazine as much as I do, like while you take a dump (dumps are "cool" according to recent studies), you'll know that there is this feature in the Fundalini Pages called The Godfrey Report which I'm about to copy. More like make better because of my super powers skills powers of making ideas not better. I mean BETTER. NO! YES!

If you don't read MAD Mag, The Godfrey Report is basically a small 3 x 3 grid showing three classes of objects and whether they are In, Five minutes ago, or Out. I'm going to increase the size of the grid to like 3 by like 400,000 so I don't have to make so many 3 x 3 grids.

I'll try to do one of these every month. Or maybe not because I'm Micronesian and the coconut milk in my blood will prevent me. What? Because. This month was quite the boring month and nothing really happened or so I think. I was pretty much locked inside an outhouse for the first few weeks.

After being bludgeoned in the face by a cross dressing police officer or something, I woke up in a jail cell. Everything was all wet and it smelled like the toilet just exploded. Dark outside too and the cell was all like stone and stuff. It was like that scene in that movie Man in the Iron Mask where they showed that metal mask dude in his cell. That movie was awesome. There was also some other guy in the cell with me who was a bit shaky. All he did was shake and put his hands in his pants to touch his bare ass. Then he would put his hand up to his nose and smell it. His fingers were always covered in a fresh coating of ass blood. He sure is a card. We just talked for hours and hours:

"So, your ass is bleeding, eh? Yep, that sucks. Did I ever tell you about the time I took a vacation to the Alps and took a dump on the tour bus? That was cool. It had heated seats and everything! The toilet paper sucked though. Luckily I carry my own pocket tissues. Didn't help though, so I just rinsed my ass off in this one sink. I shaved my cheeks for that particular vacation. The reason being..."
"Won't you shut the hell up for two goddamn seconds? You've been talking non-stop for the last three and a half hours! I sure as hell don't give a damn about your stupid dime you found on the freeway, the cat ladies nude body or the plot line for the entire first season of Knight Rider! Alright?"
"Probly. Prolly. Prolly want a cracker? HAHAHA! Get the water, 'cuz I'm on fire today!"
"Goddammit. GUARD! Jesus Christ my fucking ass hurts. This blood smells like almonds, I know it. It's almonds. JESUS CHRIST A PIECE OF MY ASS CAME OFF! OH - MY- GOD! JESUS CHRIST, GUARD! GUARD! I NEED A FUCKING DOCTOR! OH JESUS CHRIST!"

The dude started to cry uncontrollably. What a dumb wuss. I kicked his ass because he was such a wuss. I then went to give him a wedgie super old school style and all this bloody meat ran down his leg and splattered onto the floor. He screamed so loud the guard finally heard.

"What in the hell do you want Jack? Goddammit, can't a man shit in peace? What the fuck are you doing Jack? HOLY SHIT KID! GET THE HELL AWAY FROM HIM! WHAT THE HELL DID YOU DO YOU TO JACK YOU FUCKING PSYCHOPATH?"
"Nice going Jack. Why don't you just change your name to Snitchy McSnitch, stupid snitch."
"He's....he's dead. Oh, son. You're gonna burn for this shit, you sonuvabitch. ON THE FLOOR NOW!"

So some stuff happened that involved me being punched and anyway, turns out I was in a holding cell or something for killing all these people. That sucked. And I escaped and I'll tell you how I did some other time if I remember. I don't know, America's Most Wanted is on now.

I was on the freeway and I found a dime from 1949. I heard this dude like had this dime from like 1842 and he sold it for a million and a half dollars. I was on the freeway just 'cuz I think that's where he found it. Then some stuff happened like a car crash, but I wasn't paying attention because of how awesome my dime was. I was flipping it around and like doing cool tricks and I farted. Then some guy passing by goes:

"Hey asshole! Get offa da fuckin' freeway!"
"Yeah, well get off on this buddy!"

When I said that I was like totally waving my exposed penis around in circles and grabbing my nuts. He got so angry that he jerked the wheel and crashed into some other cars. The explosion was so damn HUGE and it was better than the biggest fireworks ever. It caught fire underneath and the hood blew off hardcore mad awesome radical BADASS AWESOME x10,000. He crawled out of the car with some boiling lump in a flaming car seat. He touched it and it came off on his hand. I think it was his baby. Oh well, babies are stupid and annoying anyway. He's better off, I'm sure of it. If his wife complains he can just rape her and make her have another. And if she tries to abort it he can like forge her signature on some paper that says she can't. I just have it all figured out because I should become a lawyer.

Then about ten minutes later some fag in a cop uniform who thought it was still Halloween or some shit pulled up next to me in his car. He was all like:

"Listen to me you little shit, we received reports that you may have just killed some innocent people because you decided to stand in the middle of freeway like a goddamn moron. Understand? Now hands behind your back, you're under arrest. You have the right to remain..."
"More like you have the right to SHUT UP. Get outta my face you friggin' village person. Whoa, like where's the Indian and stuff? Like in your ass and stuff? Stop roughing up my stuff and stuff, dammit. Are you gonna rape me? Well, let's get this over with."

So I pulled down my pants and screamed "GOATSE" and spread eagle but he just clubbed my face really hard. I went down faster than some joke about some rich whore who makes some sex video and then it is released.

To be continued...

Yesterday was quite a good day. Some little kids came in and I gave them a nice "hello". They didn't hear me. I yelled some curse word as loud as I could and they still didn't hear me! Turns out they were quite deaf. So I punched them in the ears to give their hearing a little boost, you know, but they just STARTED CRYING. WHAT THE HELL IS UP WITH THAT? Damn kids don't appreciate shit. Then their Mom comes in and starts bitching at me, but I didn't take it. I was like:

"Whoa, slow down there lady. I was trying to help that little accident and he started crying!"
"YOU PUNCHED HIM IN THE EAR! I'M CALLING THE POLICE YOU MOTHER FUCKING LOWLIFE! YOU'RE MESSING WITH THE WRONG PERSON YOU SON OF A BITCH! I'M RICH AND DRIVE A LEXUS!"
"Oh well. At least he's got his health, right? Besides the whole hearing thing. Deaf kids are dumb. They're always trying to talk but it never works out. Did you ever see that movie RAY about that totally deaf pianist. Hahahaa, pianist. It's funny 'cuz like it sounds like penis."
"YARRRRGGH!"

She then attacked me for no reason! GAH WHAT A DUMB PERSON. Too bad I found out later that she "accidentally" died in a totally "deafening" explosion. LAFFO.

I went to the grocery store to buy some clothes, ice cream, and look for friends because I'm so insecure with my feelings that I watch Dr. Phil to make myself feel better. So I just talked to the guy bagging my groceries:

"So, how about that President?"
"That dudes a fuckin' fag. Maybe if he wasn't such a fag and I became president things would really change."
"Yep! That's right! Is that your car?"
"Souped up that bad boy. Spent over $500 of my inheritence on the rims alone. Just fucked a bitch in it the other day while smoking weed. We got caught and now I have several fines to deal with. I'm awesome so I wrote about it on my internet weblog."
"Yep! That's right! Let's play DDR with my friends until our feet bleed, new buddy-pal-friend!"
"Fuckin' faggot, why don't you have anal sex with your faggot mom, faggot. Fuckin' fags. You and your faggot friends can go fuck yourselves in your gay faggot asses, fag".

I was so shocked that I went home and wrote dark poetry until I cried myself to sleep. People are such gosh darn meanie buns bad faces. I decided to cut myself:

This is a serious piece of written work for the Internet that will express my important opinions and, in turn, enrage people who happen to read this. I mean, I am the King of Internets. All everything Internet. Some chick who didn't know anything about the Internet came up to me yesterday was like "how fast is your computer?" and I said "It's like fucking ten-thousand Internet speed units!" and she was all "Really?!" and then I was like "You know it!" and we high fived but not really because she only had two good fingers.

At least that's what I assumed because she had boxing gloves on. You know what they say about assuming? It makes an ass out of you and me! GET IT? HAHAHAHAHAHA I'M THE CZAR OF COMEDY! ASS-U-ME! HAHAHAHA IT NEVER GETS OLD (100% JOKE BY ME COPYRIGHT ME). Unlike my grandmother, who one time I had an affair with. All I did was sit around and eat her scabs. I'll eat anyone's scabs really, if you think about it.

This is the end of the work and I have successfully written it without the help of my special tutor. "SUCCESSFULLY". That word is annoying because like there are too many double letters. It should be "SUCKSESFULY". Yeah, that would be better so deal with that.

Went to visit my Uncle Steve today, who I haven't seen since last Halloween or whatever! He was a little shaken up and was wearing an eye patch. I asked him what was up. The reasons were confusing:

"Kenny, I was getting my shaft cranked by this mechanic on Tuesday when I shot my own man-oil into my eye! It hurts a lot because the sperm tries to dig through your eyeball like an egg."
"What do you mean?"
"You really turn me on, boy. Come here so I can kiss my own nephew."
"What does that mean?"
"Incest turns me on. My dick is so hard right now that it hurts and my legs are sticky with precum. I want to fuck you and block my dick up with your shit and ass hair."
"I don't get it."
"I'm horny you idiot! And I want to push my bad organs into you until your ass pops like a balloon!"
"You lost me."
"Ugh. I'll jerk one off into the neighbors pitbull."

What could this all mean? I asked my friend and he started yelling and told me to stay away from him. I'm not going to stay away from my own Uncle! My friends are morons. Several teachers have gave me the same advice and even tried to get me into counseling. Everyone is stupid but me I SWEAR! Fuck the world. Thee thou thy thy thee thy lament. Oh man I have writers block.

I should write childrens books.

I walked into a soup kitchen the other day because I was hungry. I just got done eating at the Ritz but I figured I could use a little snack.

"Can I have a turkey and cheese sub with hot peppers?"
"What? All we got is soup and sandwich. Back of the line buddy."

So I waited and waited and waited AND WAITED but still no soup. I decided that waiting sucked so I took matters into my own hands. I walked up to this old lady and just before she could get her first gulp of soup in I kicked her off her chair. She was crying and it was annoying so I put heavy books on her face until she stopped moving. I went back to eat her food. 

I was so full from before that I could only eat half. Some bum asked me if I would give him the rest:

"Hey. Help me out. I can't come in tomorrow so you mind if I have the rest of that soup?"
"No fuckin' way. ULTRA DENIED! YOU MUST BE RAY CHARLES, CUZ YOU CAN'T SEE ME!"

At the point I said ULTRA DENIED I was like moving my hand back and forth real fast at his face in a get-out-of-my-face motion. Then I dumped the rest of the old ladies soup on his shoes and did a double arm-pump in supreme victory because I'm so awesome. He was all shocked like he didn't deserve it or something. What an asshole. I can do whatever I want! Fucking bums. I hate them. If you're poor you should be like burned alive or something to make money for rich people. You know, like your skin and stuff. I then headed for the door, knocking over as many bowls of soup as I could. Outside, bums started throwing oranges or whatever at my 800 karat gold Perennial but it didn't really do anything because of their weak muscles from not eating. I guess they couldn't read my license plate that said: BUM=DUM. WHOA BEST EVER PLATE!

Check out this comic:

click to enlarge

Went to the mall today (so call CNN for this groundbreaking news)! I don't usually go to the mall because one time my mother fell down the second story and broke her head wide-open on the Cellular One stand. The ambulance came and rushed her outside while pumping her full of medicines. I tried to go along but the jeans-wearing paramedic pushed me down as I tried to climb in the back.

"Get back kid, we'll take good care of your mom's carcass - I mean we'll take good care of her kid. Now get outta here before you get in trouble."

The fat ambulance driver then began to do something to my mom in an up and down motion. I couldn't tell what he was doing because the windows got all foggy and even cracked a bit from the violent motions.

Anyway, I sure love the mall! It's filled with many, many interesting people just bursting at the rafters with amazing stories! They also look different from you and me and live in the mall sometimes:

Then after about ten minutes I was hella hungry like whoa, so I went into the food court. The food court smelled good and some old man offered me free samples. I first agreed, until later I found out he meant samples of his man juice. OH THE SEX JOKES ARE ENDLESS. Then I went to McDonalds. I took a picture of the guy in front of me:

This man was very interesting. He yelled at the cashier for hating blacks when he didn't get his extra-extra large vanilla milkshake. They kept yelling at eachother and everyone was leaving.

"You mother fucker give me my goddamn vanilla milkshake. Where's your manager at?"
"What seems to be the problem, sir?"
"This inept motha fucker is messin' up my order."
"Calm down sir, I'll get you that milkshake free of charge."
"Don't tell me to calm down, I'll calm down when this mother fucker is fired!"
"Sir, you're scaring the customers away. Please calm down."
"Shut the fuck up and get my milkshake, honkey!"
"Ouch! Stop throwing watermelon and food stamps at my face!"

The fat black guy then walks away yelling rap lyrics as loud as he can while throwing welfare checks in the air. Luckily, some speedy Asian men jump up like ninjas and catch them. They land and add them together with their calculators. All the while, some Jewish guy with a big roll of one dollar bills was there in the food court throwing a Bar Mitzvah. The Yiddish music was so loud it hurt my ears. I took cover underneath a tent some Indians built in the food court. The Indians were dancing around like idiots and making it rain inside. Little kids who I've seen on those Christian Children's Fund commercials and who were begging for food jumped up and down in the occasion and drank the water that accumulated in the trash cans.

True story to the 100%.

I've never met a bassist that didn't piss me off. Bassist's pretty much have to be assholes by law because they have to make up for the fact that nobody can hear their instrument over the better instruments in the band. Everyone knows that the bass player is the worst position in the band. No one looks at the bass player unless he's the singer anyway. You know, they usually shine the dimmest light on them so the singer or the guitarist has all the spotlight. They make up for this little problem with personality by being complete and total "outrageous" idiots that piss normal people off. My friend Mitch plays bass, and he makes up for it by being a careless douche bag. Which is so funny that I forget he plays bass. But when I think about his bass playing it pisses me off. Screw that.

Have you ever seen a bass player play a face-melting solo on his stupid bass? No. It would sound like "bum budda budda bumm bing budda bow". That's stupid. I get totally annoyed when the drums and guitars are rocking out and then they stop all of a sudden. You're like: "ah geez, here comes the bass solo". You can't rock out to that shit. Go back to being in Red Hot Chili Peppers or something, wuss.

Come to think of it, bass players have been getting on my nerves since childhood anyway. Like when I was on the school bus and some band dork drags that big ass classical bass onto the bus taking fifteen minutes to get situated. Then to top it off they take another ten minutes to drag it back out, blocking shit up and making me late for class. I usually had to piss every time I got off of the bus, so I'd be even later. They probably damaged my bladder.

UPDATE:
YES, I know friggin' Les Claypool has the ability to melt off your damn face with his stupid bass GAH. But that still doesn't change the fact that I hated every bassist I've ever met, spawning this article. Les is an excellent bassist and pretty much runs the band with his bass. Bass is like the main instrument in Primus, replacing the guitarist. So, in bizarro world terms, the bassist would be like the guitar player and vice versa.

I hate you people.

so lyke totally i went to the mall wait no i didnt roflmao ok so my sister lyke totally gawt this hawt shawt scarf n its blue.........BONER....so anyway i kicked a dog and then it licked my nuts. i went outside without pants on and rolled down the road and eventually hit the curb. My ass bleed the reddest blood of all time. Oh glorious day! Cheerio it was good, ol' chap! It left a rather large mark on my backside. I compared it to the shape of my head. I put a band-aid on it and off I went to the local faire for shrubberries and perrywinkles!

Everyday I whack off to my awesome stories. Like my eyes are rolling into the back of my head and I'm violently shaking in pleasure. My toes are curling up and I get a huge head rush. Sometimes it's so intense that my back actually breaks in two and I go into a coma. I'll wake up in the hospital thinking about what I've done but it won't phase me. Never has. I'll be back to my antics in no time. BELEE DAT.

Speaking of belee dat, I guess I'll just talk about genitals and masturbating some more. Ok, so like yesterday I was rubbin' one out to the Special Olympics I've taped when my neighbor knocked on the door. He said something about "Raisin' up on outta dis place befo' I rearrange yo jaw, nigga" and I thought he said something about Santa Clause. So I hit the emergency button that blocks off the chimney. He got pissed and started free styling super OLD SCHOOL RAP BATTLE TO THE 100% and my charisma got busted in half like whoa. Then this hot chick I was with left. Her tongue was huge. About that...

I guess I'm just attracted to retards or "the mentally handicapped" if you wanna be an asshole. You know, because their tongues are bigger than average. I guess I just like tongues that can go deep into places they shouldn't go. And the slobber is such a turn on. Like this one time I was totally frenching this retarded chick, and my friend Chadwick comes over and tries to steal her away. I was trying to get busy like licking her small teeth and big gums when he says something like "dude, what are you doing?". What an interruption prick. I busted his face open with an ashtray. Then later I busted one all over the retards face. 7 roper that probably blinded her. Oh well. There are more where that came from.

After that little fiasco I traveled to the grocery store. Some guy with a broken leg was there blocking the door "trying to get in but my crutches won't allow it" as he said. He was taking a whole 40 seconds trying to get over the curb. REALLY. GAH PEOPLE ARE SO DUMB. I lifted his broken ass up and threw him into a grocery cart and then pushed the cart somewhere. Oh, a nearby meat locker. The lock broke after I closed the door.

Then I met up with my friend Sanchez who has a colostomy bag. Well, he is supposed to use one but he doesn't. He just leaves his guts hanging out and his clothes are always stained. Sometimes he wears the bag but only drinks out of it or sometimes throws it on my head. Hahahaha, he sure is a great guy. Too bad I later that evening I did something to him his family won't let me live down. You see, we were at his house getting trashed when he just passes out. I then got this brilliant idea to connect his colostomy bag to his mouth! I mean, he's always talking shit, so it would be appropriate! I cut some tubing off of his above ground pool. Then I duct taped the tube from his guts to his mouth. Next morning he woke up....oh wait. He didn't! HAHAHHA JOKES ON YOU SANCHEZ! YOU DROWNED! His family is angry at me because I cut up the pool tubes. And because I killed Sanchez.

I'm a role model.

~:. thats me on the left lollor ::.3 =====D

I go to read my comments only to find out I have the most half-assed comments in the world! Thanks for giving me a migraine and an ass rash. Well, the bloody rash is from a totally unrelated incident. Still, it's fun to mention at parties! At least the ones where nobody calls me a "weird darkie in the corner". Just kidding, I don't go to parties because no one likes it when I train to beat everyone in a backwards footrace. I'm still the best in town and I'm ready to wipe the floor with you if you're up for the challenge.

Things that are awesome and why:

• Labels - If there were no labels for people, then everyone would be happy. Happiness is boring and doesn't lead to violence.
• Violence - Violence is awesome because there are explosions.
• Explosions - Explosions improve everything ever and make you feel better about yourself.
• Chain Guns - Awesome because like a trillion bullets come out at once. That rules.
• Bullies - They push the creation of labels. You know, like "Goth" and "Gayfag from Outer space".
• Immaturity - High levels of maturity won't invent anything cool.
• Robots - They destroy everything and shoot lasers.
• "Pwned" - Because.
• I'm done - with the list

Check out my awesome smiley face: