September 28, 2007

  • LOOK AT ME! I AM A STUPID JERK!

     LOOK AT ME, I WATER MY GRASS! I am better than you! I hydrate my fucking lawn! I don't paint my grass green because I can't afford the luxury of plumbing! I'm too good to hook up my neighbors sprinkler system up to a trash can full of brown paint so that we match! Oh no no - I'm just a rich asshole!

    LOOK AT ME, I EXERCISE! I am better than you! I exercise on a daily basis! Did I happen to tell you that I just exercised? What? I didn't?! Well, it must have been five minutes then! What? You don't care that I just completed a full blown mile of speed walking in less than an hour? You sir, are insane for not caring! Maybe if you exercised with me your life would be straightened out!


    Gun show: sold the hell out.

    LOOK AT ME, I REFUSE TO DRINK ALCHOLIC BEVERAGES! Cannot you hear my speech on what's wrong with the sauce?! If you consume a beer, you could possibly explode into a thousand pieces! I am almost fairly certain that as soon as the booze hits your lips, you instantly get into a car accident! It, in fact, crashes right onto the top of your head from the clear blue sky! I am making healthy lifestyle choices here people! The only adult drink I've ever had is an Appletini! The last time I drank I barfed up my coke and rum with extra, extra ice!

    LOOK AT ME, I SMOKE WEED! Guess what I did last night? You'll never, ever guess! The same thing I told you that I did last night and the night before! Did you guess yet? Just take a guess! Give up? Well, guess what? I smoked up! You're a boring asshole if you don't toke, c'mon man! I'm not trying to justify my actions by acting like I'm the shit with a condescending douchebag tone or anything, you're just a boring old bitty! I'm on the edge of living in my car, but you are extremely boring! Did you ever here the story about when I drank some cough medicine? I can't believe how awesome that is! All the ramen and cereal bars I've eaten in the past week have tasted like Robotussin!

    LOOK AT ME, I ENJOY THE COMPANY OF ANIMALS! Did I tell you the one story where my cat walked on my keyboard? How about the one where he peeked his little head up onto the kitchen table and batted at my cereal bowl this morning? I didn't? Well, you're in for quite a treat this lunch break! It was so funny! Can't you tell by the way I'm laughing until my eyes water?! Tomorrow, I'll tell you about the one time when my dog slept on his back like human, then about when and where I will give all five of my dogs a bath. I take care of five dogs so Jesus forgives me for the one I accidently killed by leaving him in my hot car last summer!

    - Behold: possible inventions of tomorrow!

    • Sprinklers that spray sugary syrup during the winter months yielding a yard full of sno-cone.
    • Giant plastic soda-can rings that can choke even the largest of whales.
    • African music that doesn't suck!
    • Potato flavored ketchup. Or better yet: potatoes grown with ketchup and/or cheese in the middle. 
    • A shirt made out of jeans and vice versa! Oh wait, we have jean jackets. BUT THEY'RE NOT IN SHORT SLEEVE! Are they? I don't care.

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